in which i disappear~

What can I say?  I'm busy.  But as I hopped over here today I realized how woefully out of date things are.  So....I have (loosely held) hopes to clean things up a bit and post a little in the near future.  Geez, I still haven't even finished the Preparing for Baby posts but I think all I really have left is cleaning part.

Anyway...see you soon?  (ish)

the three month funk(dealing with postpartum depression and thoughts on living a surrendered life)~

It hits me every time. Like a train. Even though I know it's coming. I hesitate to even write about it this time as this past year one of my closest friends walked through the worst postpartum depression I've ever witnessed. I've only read about cases that were that severe. And in no way am I passing judgment, I mention it because I never realized how utterly horrific it can be for some women.

But I do want to mention it for several reasons. So I can look back next time and maybe remember and get some perspective when I'm in the middle of it again, so I can remember and encourage my girls if they go through it one day, so other women can know they are not alone and hopefully be encouraged.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to approach it from a laid-back, "that's just life, no big deal now that I am (hopefully) coming out of it" perspective or from a little more serious perspective, but as I'm writing, I'm feeling the need to be a little more sober about it. Because it's really hard if you are someone that goes through it. And again, I cringe to even really make comparisons after my friend struggled horribly for months. Compared to what she went through, my experience is a walk in the park, but after asking numerous friends over the years, I've found that while it's nothing compared to severe ppd, it is quite a bit worse than any of my friends seem to experience, so I want to provide another place women can maybe find some help and encouragement.

I would like to say it's gotten some better with each baby, knowing now to watch for it. Having the perspective that it will pass does help some, but when you're in the middle of feeling depressed, even that knowledge is truthfully, not that comforting. So even though since the second baby I've known to watch for it, and been able to know it's coming and been able to identify it and even forewarn Glen, once it hits, it's really hard for me until it passes.

Women are always warned to watch for signs of ppd (postpartum depression) after a birth. Being overly emotional and weepy at first is normal. I've never actually had much of that. Maybe a little, but generally the first two months after giving birth are a really sweet, and usually easy time for me. But when my babies hit between three and four months my hormones shift, and with it often comes our babies' difficult stage. I don't know why it is, but generally the three month age is the hardest I have with my babies. I don't know if they sense something going on with me, if my milk changes due to such drastic hormone changes, or really what it is, but most of our babies have napping and tummy troubles during that month which only compounds my sense of being overwhelmed and stressed. (And just to have a record of it somewhere, this time around I have learned that my being overly stressed, preoccupied, and busy due to external circumstances (van shopping and several out of town trips) makes my babies highly agitated and unable to be easily comforted and settled. Meaning screaming most evenings and any time she was tired, virtually unable to be comforted. As soon as this was past and we were able to be home and just living "normal" life she immediately calmed down. And I also discovered, after much trial and error, that orange juice was giving her horrible, horrible tummy pains. Once I cut out the orange juice she has had virtually no tummy problems at all.)

So I did some research this time. Even though no one close to me has ever said they have a similar experience, I have heard from a few different places online that this happens to other women around the same time. What I learned has been so valuable this time around. I learned that when a woman is pregnant her progesterone production goes into maximum overdrive, producing up to 400mg of progesterone a day toward the end of pregnancy. Then, she gives birth, and since her ovaries are still dormant there is minimal to zero progesterone being produced. For awhile there are enough stores in her body to swing along for awhile, three to four months usually, and then, especially if she is nursing and her ovaries are still dormant, there is suddenly a huge progesterone deficiency and for some women this triggers depression. It's also what triggers postpartum hair loss. From my reading it sounds like quite a bit of even regular depression in women can be at least somewhat attributed to estrogen dominance and too little progesterone.

So what does that mean? I identified a very possible sounding cause and wanted to try and help myself this time. So I did some more research and found that a proper estrogen/progesterone balance can help women with a whole host of reproductive/women related issues; it can help women that have trouble sustaining a pregnancy due to an insufficient amount of progesterone, it can help with pms, it can help with postpartum depression, it can help with regular depression, and it can help peri- and post-menopausal women. Obviously I am not a doctor, but I would encourage any women that feels they may benefit from this knowledge to first research it for herself and then talk with your doctor.

So I went to Whole Foods and got some natural progesterone cream. (Make sure you get some that is not soy based as that can just compound any estrogen dominance. Do some research as well on what is good to get.) I got a pre-measured pump kind just so that I'd make sure to use the correct amount. It has been the difference in night and day. I had felt myself getting bad, and let it get really bad for a couple of weeks, so I know it's not just that my experience was different this time. It made a literal difference overnight. I at first hesitated to attribute it to the cream as I started it on a Thursday and Fridays just tend to be better since I know the weekend is coming. But almost three weeks have now passed and I can say it has been and continues to be a life saver. Although it does help within a day, it does seem that building up my levels was gradual. Every day was better, but this week I finally feel really normal. Possibly even extra better :o) I use it twice a day. Normally you would use it three weeks on, one week off, but since I am nursing and not needing to ovulate, I need to find out if I should also take a break for a week or not.

I anticipated it being rough this time. Ever since Caleb was born I've had someone, either my mother in law or my sister, that has kept my kids for me one day a week. For the past two years it's often been both. My mother in law would keep the little kids one day giving me a day with the big kids for cleaning, school, etc. and my sister has kept some or all and taken them out to do something fun. (Now you all know my secret :o) I freely admit it makes a huge difference knowing I have that break coming every week. For almost a year now, it's been sporadic with my mother in law as she's had her parents and then her mother in law living with them and having to provide pretty much round-the-clock care, but my sister was very consistent. Until she went to Romania to do a DTS. For six months. Right when Grace turned three months old. So right when I anticipated the depression hitting, I went from having a weekly break for eight years to having one of my closest friends leave for six months and having no regular all-day break from the kids whatsoever. (Well, other than Glen, who is a huge help. But you know what I mean.) Even their one day a week home school group was out for the summer. I had briefly entertained the idea of (gasp!) a mother's day out program in the fall, but I know for me, for our family, that is not what God wants me to do, so I'm not. I know it's all part of the process of Him continuing to work in me more of Himself and work out of me more of my self-centeredness. You know, that whole refining part of following Jesus that we like to conveniently try and get out of. So for me this is not an option.

But you know, God has been gracious, and even making this transition in the middle of dealing with ppd has been relatively easy. The depression has not been easy, but just being home daily with all the kids without a weekly "break" has been good. In all honesty, it's something I've known I need to do for a very long time. I know I've talked some on here about my process of learning to like to be at home. For me, especially in my early years of having children, always being on the go, always being busy, always having somewhere I could send my kids instead of having to deal with them, allowed me to not have to face a good bit of selfishness, laziness, and just plain junk in me that needed to be dealt with. And even though facing my stuff and my self-centeredness is not fun, nor is it easy, it is what we are called as Christ-followers to do. And I want to live a surrendered life, I want to become more like Him, so I'm pressing in. And I'm finding even in the difficulty, it is such a sweet place to be.

email me link~

I know a lot of people read these posts in a feed reader, so I just wanted to let you know I added an ~email me~ link to the blog.

So fire away :o)

for your saturday reading pleasure~

Here are some more links that I think are definitely worth reading...

Holy Habits

A weighty post that once again reminds us that what we do is important. Immensely. And there's a lot more to it than math facts, cooking, and tying shoes; yet life and relationship are tied up in those every day things.
An excerpt... "They say a mother wears an apron and a myriad of hats. I say she wears a collar too. A collar which can never be removed. A collar which cannot be observed by the material world: a clerical collar. For she is a priest in her home, before a congregation of children. ...While a mother continually changes her hats throughout the hours of the day, her collar remains: she is a priest proclaiming Christ’s glories. She cares for souls."


Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling: Exposing the 7 Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers

Unfortunately, I have been guilty of some of these far too often. An excellent read, I'm printing this one out. Vital for parents who want to keep their children's hearts.


Shelter Is Not A Place. It's a Relationship.

On sheltering our kids in the real world.
Another excerpt... "Shelter is not a place. It's a relationship. Although we need to be wise about keeping our kids safe (let's not be simplistic here), sheltering our kids from every potential evil is impossible. The world is corrupt. Hey, the youth group is corrupt!

I would love to withdraw my family from society and keep them from having to face the messiness of navigating relationships in a fallen world. But that’s just not feasible. Maybe not even desirable. Besides, we have enough sin nature between all seven of us, they’d still get to see plenty of corruption!

Instead, we want to make sure our home is the safe place, the most comforting sanctuary on earth, where our kids are guaranteed acceptance, affection and genuine love. Our relationship with our kids should be a reflection of God's relationship with us - overflowing with grace and forgiveness.

And while we’re doing that, we're introducing them to Jesus, and we’re walking along side them, showing them how to “do life” with Christ at the helm.

We don’t have to know all the answers, and heaven forbid we should try to appear perfect. I fail daily, and have to ask my kids’ forgiveness all the time. But we feel strongly that the more spiritually arrogant we are, and the more we try to hide our flaws, the more likely our kids will become disillusioned with God later on.

I thought all of these were excellent reads and will be keeping them close by. Let me know what you think.

Happy Saturday!

(and Stacey, let me know when you have your baby!!)

pica, anyone?~

Sonic ice. My new obsession. After every baby I have some sort of food related craving. Craving is really too nice of a word. It's more like a give it to me now and no one gets hurt sort of problem. We won't talk about how with Caleb it was orange sherbet by the gallon, with Noah is was Texas Toast Cheeseburgers with an M&M Blast, or with Grace this time it was margherita pizza and sonic ice. An entire pizza every single morning.

I prefer to remember the other babies, with whom I preferred things like sandwiches and salads.

Not so this time. Now, mind you, a margherita pizza is largely tomatos and basil, an entire one contains only 700 calories which is an okay allotment for a newly nursing mama for one meal. But still. It kinda hints at gluttony. So I had to stop. And I did. But the Sonic ice is another story. I go through a bag of it every two days. Sometimes an entire bag a day. Usually with water.

When I am nursing, especially the first few months, I am ravenous, feeling the need to eat literally constantly. Eating ice is my way of tricking my mind into thinking I'm eating. And it's calorie free! But I do crave it, and that can be a sign of pica. And while I've never actually eaten powdered laundry detergent, sand, cornstarch, or baking soda, I think about chewing it. Always have. And until a couple of years ago I was a horrible nail biter. All signs of pica. I was anemic my entire pregnancy with Grace, and no amount of supplements or eating of iron rich foods changed it.

So. Should I be concerned?

coming soon~

I know, I know. I keep promising to post Grace's birth story. I have started it twice, both times spending over half an hour on it, only to have blogger lock up on me and cause the entire thing to be lost. I'm thinking that means I'm supposed to wait for some reason.

So just know that I'm trying, and I do hope to get it written very soon.

And hi to my Dad, who I just found out read my blog! So Dad, now you need to leave me a comment. You can either get a google account (pretty easy) to comment anonymously and just sign it "Dad." So now we can actually talk. And send me your email if you have one :o)

interview with the kids~

This is another one of those facebook notes going around. After reading a few of my friends' very funny interviews, I decided to participate :o) I asked Anna 10, Caleb 8, Ethan 7, Moriah 5, and Noah who is 3.

1. What is something mom always says to you?

A~You know that I love you? C~ Goodnight.

E~ Let Anna check your jobs. M~ Have a fun day. N~ Time to clean up.

2. What makes mom happy?

A~When you clean your room the right way. C~Having a new baby.

E~ When we don't lie. M~ When we do what you say for us to do. N~ When we clean up.

3. What makes mom sad?

A~ When we disobey. C~ Lying.

E~ When you ask us to clean our room and we don't clean our room.

M~ When you ask us to clean our room and we lie. N~ When we don't clean up.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

A~ When you mimic me. C~ When you tell jokes.

E~ When you tell me things I did when I was little. M~ Tickle us.

N~ When you scare us like a lion.

5. What was your mom like as a child?

A~ You were cute. C~ You were funny. E~ You acted like a chef.

M~ You pretended you were in a car. N~You were a baby.

6. How old is your mom? (28, 29 next week)

A~ 28 C~ 28 E~24 M~ 30, I mean 40 N~ 5

7. How tall is your mom? (5'2")

A~ 5'2" C~ 5'2.6cm E~ 4'3" M~5'6" N~ Four feet.

8. What is mommy's favorite thing to do?

A~Listening to the ipod while you're cleaning. C~ Going out with the kids.

E~ Spending time with the kids. M~ Typing on the computer. N~ Sit.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
A~ Sit around on the computer. C~ Wait for me to come back.

E~ Fix dinner for me. M~ Fix dinner and do the laundry. N~ Pretend to be a lion.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
A~ For your chicken pot pie. C~ Singing

E~ For reading all the time and being a good actor.

M~ Because you're cool and a good Mom and a good fixer of pumpkin pie.

N~ Because you would be a lion.

11. What is your mom really good at?
A~ Cooking and cleaning. C~ Playing games. E~ Winning board games.

M~ Fixing pumpkin pie. N~ Cook good.

12. What is your mom not very good at?
A~Holding your temper. C~ Dancing. E~ Saying yes instead of no.

M~ You're not good at saying I hate you. (me: well, that's nice to know!)

N~ You're not good at cooking on the stove.

13. What does your mom do for a job?
A~ Take care of us. C~ Do the laundry. E~ Cleaning up.

M~ Clean the whole house by yourself. N~ Clean up.

14.What is your mom's favorite food? (Hibachi!)
A~ Steak and zucchini. C~ Chinese Food

E~Broccoli soup. M~ Broccoli soup. N~ Mashed potatos.

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
A~ You take me to gymnastics and you pay for it. C~ Cooking

E~ Buying me things. M~ Buying this house. N~Cook stuff.

(me: inspirational guys, thanks.)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
A~ Odie on Garfield because you're laid back.

C~ Minnie Mouse.

E~ Tweety Bird because that's the only girl cartoon character I can think of right now.

M~ Caillou's Mom because she types on the computer a lot. (me: i don't know how she knows that, they're not even supposed to watch caillou!)

N~ A baby.

17. What do you and your mom do together?
A~ Go get our nails done and talk. C~ Go out together.

E~ Eat together at dinner. M~ Talk. N~ Go get ice cream.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
A~ You and me both go to church.

C~ We both have brownish blondish hair. E~ We have brown hair.

M~ We have blue eyes. N~ We have brown hair.

19. How are you and your mom different?
A~ I go to gymnastics and you don't. C~ We talk different.

E~ You're a girl and I'm a boy. M~ We don't dress like each other. N~ A baby.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
A~ You give me hugs. C~ You say that you do. E~ You let me buy stuff.

M~ You kiss me and hug me.

N~ "You love me, we're best friends a family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, you say you love me too."

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

A~ He goes to church, he loves God, and he's funny. C~ He's funny and he loves God.

E~ That he does stuff for you and protects you. M~ Because he's funny.

N~ Because you laugh at Daddy.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
A~ The spa. C~ To get your nails done. E~ Target, no, actually, I meant Publix.

M~ I don't know...Target. N~ When you're where you're happy.

*****Well, alrighty then. Apparently, I like things clean, I like to type, I must cook well enough to impress kids, and my three year old is currently obsessed with lions.

Happy Friday!

a tired quick hello and a couple of links~

I don't know about everyone else, but I am definitely in a mid-winter funk. All I can say is blah. blah. blah. I am suspicious that a good majority relates to pregnancy aches as we've actually had a couple of weeks here recently with some really nice weather. Regardless, all I want to do is curl up and hibernate until the end of April. Seeing as how we don't have a maid, a cook, a housekeeper, or a nanny, I guess that's out of the question.

I have a post swirling around in my brain pretty much continually to be titled something along the lines of In Which I am Grumpy... that I may or may not get around to actually writing. Seeing as how it's basically one big complaint I'm sure everyone would be thrilled to read it, but it's how I feel and maybe it will do me some good to vent. Or not. I don't know. Like I said....blah.

I had been keeping open a ridiculous amount of tabs open in my browser (not sure why I didn't just save them, I think it helps me to actually see them in front of me) of interesting stuff that I wanted to link to. But little hands must have been exploring, because I lost most of them. Here are two from the last day that I found interesting, seeing as how I have nothing worthwhile to say ;o)

Priests For Life interview a Mother of 20 (short, easy to read, q&a format, and very sweet as her youngest is now 22)

A Few Thoughts...(some things worth remembering from a wife whose husband was on the plane that landed in the Hudson River...very short, but definitely jolted my brain with what's important.)

~And if anyone has some really good vegetable gardening resources for a beginner (read: never grew a thing in my life other than a bean in a cup and knows not even your basic gardening info) please send it my way. Glen and I are wanting to try our hand at several vegetables this year and haven't the faintest idea of where to start. I have a good seed catalog and a square foot gardening book that looks helpful, but other than that I'm in the dark. We're wanting to grow tomatos, carrots, green beans, potatos, onions, squash, zucchini, garlic, and some type of lettuce. Too much, you think? My grandmother (who has always farmed for a living) did advise me that potatos are more work than they are worth, but we're kind of economic depression/persecution/fill in the blank minded in our desire to learn, so it seems like learning about growing potatos could be helpful. I mean, didn't the Ingalls like live on potatos one winter? All resources and advice are welcome! :o)

long time no blog~

Gee whiz. I just looked at the list of posts and realized it's been awhile. I guess I've been busy.

It seems like I'm always evaluating our routines, school, etc. but January is usually more of an intensely focused time for that. And it took awhile to find a home for the 2,365, 897 new toys. Ugh. Not to mention that for Christmas I got a Kitchenaid mixer and a breadmaker so I've been playing with experimenting with creating one flop after another doing a lot of trial and error baking in an attempt to create a gluten free sandwich bread that is peanut butter and honey worthy for Ethan. My sweet family is so bread-desperate though that they have promptly (as in within minutes) gobbled up everything I have made. Hard crusts, gooey centers and all. Anything tastes good with a little honey or garlic butter on it :o)

On a side note, a good part of my mental and emotional energy has been spent obsessing over and praying over a really difficult situation I'm going through with a very, very close friend. It is definitely one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with emotionally, so prayers would be much appreciated!

Can you believe I'm 26 weeks along? If I can ever figure out how to take one of those mirror shots and have it turn out decently I'll post a photo. If you picture your regular pregnant Mom right around 8 months or so, that's what I look like at 6.5 months. Well, it's how I feel anyway. I've definitely hit the stage where I ask someone else to get anything for me that involves bending and turning over in bed at night is an event. You all know exactly what I'm talking about don't you :o) Regardless of the constant fatigue, awkwardness, and body parts wedged in uncomfortable positions, I am still daily grateful the Lord has blessed us with another little sweetie and that she is healthy. We won't talk about the varicose veins I have in my right leg that I have never had before. I must be getting old ;o)

I am getting very excited about having another little girl. Moriah has been past the dresses and barrettes and cute little baby girl clothes stage for awhile now and I am missing it! I have all the girl clothes washed and sorted into drawers (by size up through 12 months of course!) and am beginning to get anxious.

I have also begun to enter the nesting stage. I think I'm a little overly preparatory compared to most people, but it's how I am and it works for me. Last night it occurred to me that since my birth history now encompasses an entire month of really thinking it could be any minute, I need to be ready at the beginning of April. This plan didn't work out so smoothly with Haven, but both my girls were over two weeks early, and since my dates this time have been a little sketchy tending toward the earlier due date side, I'd rather be safe than caught off guard. So that means that February needs to be my cooking and stocking up month and March needs to be my deep cleaning month. So I ordered a bunch of coupons from the coupon clippers so I can stock up on nine months worth of non perishables. I'm talking about everything from canned goods to diapers to paper towels to clothes for the kids. I do not enjoy shopping with an infant, so I try and get as much stocked up as possible to make grocery day as easy as possible. We don't exactly live down the road from the store and it's usually around 6 months that I can begin leaving the baby at home while I do errands. That's why I aim for 9 months of supplies.

So now I need to begin making a plan for what meals I want to make. We're just about out of what I made back in August. And since my birthday is in March, I'm uh...hinting...that having someone else come and deep clean the house would be an excellent birthday gift :o)

Wow, I can't believe it's already time to be thinking about this stuff!

i'm coming, i'm coming~

Several people have asked me a few questions in the past few days. I am doing some thinking and praying about them, and I plan to get to them this coming week. I am honored and humbled that any of you would value my opinions and thoughts. As most Christian mothers are, I am continually before the Father asking Him for wisdom, guidance, insight, and understanding. I pray that everything I say here would honor Him, and cause all of us (myself included,) to reflect His heart toward our husbands and children. As a couple of them are a little more thought provoking, I am taking some time to think and pray through them, as well as just figuring out what I do believe and why.

I just wanted to say that I'm not ignoring anyone :o)

praying for noah estes~

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you a little about the new link in my sidebar titled Join Us in Praying for Noah.

Noah Estes is the son of a lady on our MOMYS digest. He has been diagnosed with mitochondrial disease. Although I don't understand a lot about it, from what I understand, it is eventually terminal (save a healing from Our Healer.) I really wish I could explain it better.

As he is right at a year younger than my Noah, he and his family are especially close to my heart. I have been following their story for a very long time. His family is so sweet, and their faith and trust in the Father is nothing short of inspiring. I've been especially encouraged not only by their faith throughout Noah's disease process, but also in reading about Kate's (the mom) relationship with her oldest daughter. Just reading about their daily life, in the good times and bad, is such an encouragement to me.

For about the past week, Noah has steadily been getting sicker and sicker. He has been in and out of the hospital so many times, but he was admitted to the hospital again in an attempt to figure out what is causing this illness as he is very, very sick. Pretty much any illness is a huge deal for him and this time they are having a hard time figuring out what this is. He's going to be having surgery today and he is also possibly facing some procedures in the following days that are very risky for him.

Would you please join me in praying for him? If you click on the photo it will take you over to their blog where you can get the details. There is also a link over there that you can click on entitled Read This First, and from there you can either start at the first beginning, or you can scroll down to get a more updated version.

the road that pretty much sucked~

Yeah, well, except it didn't.  I mean, if we're being technical.  Since I'm talking about a baby that wouldn't nurse and all.

For anyone that sees this and is confused I'm linking to this post from a different post where I talked about Everly not nursing.  I didn't really want to bore anyone with the details (unless they were interested for some reason) but I wanted to have a record of sorts of what happened for future reference.  So I'm just burying this one by backdating it.  I'm sure there's a much more blogger-savy way of doing it, but I don't know what it is.

Everly was born on Sunday morning.  She "seemed" to nurse and latch just fine that first day.  I noticed she didn't seem to nurse as much as the other kids had but you never know with different birth situations on how hungry, tired, worn out, etc. the baby is so I didn't really think about it a lot. That night she nursed a lot but I could tell she was not latched properly.  I was worn out and just let her nurse incorrectly.  I had a passing thought I might regret that later but then I promptly went back to sleep.

The next day my dad and my sister and her husband came to visit.  I remember that Everly was having a hard time being discreet and staying latched on but again I just chalked it up to being a newborn.  None of my other kids had ever had trouble with it so I just figured we'd get it worked out.

Once my milk started coming in I was really sore.  I lost a good chunk of skin and was bleeding some.  That had never happened to me before.  It was getting to the point where I could not nurse her it was so painful.  It wasn't the normal painful that would pass after 20 or 30 seconds.  It was like scorching, stinging pain.  I finally asked Glen to get a nipple shield in the hopes it would help her open her mouth and latch properly while simultaneously giving me a chance to heal up some.

It was better.  It helped.  It solved those problems.  But she was not getting satisfied.  I finally resorted to giving her a bottle believing she was a very new baby and the priority was making sure she was eating enough.  For the record I do believe that needed to be the priority but I wish at the time I had been aware enough of how things were going downhill and taken educated steps to turn them around.

Things were okay.  I was very frustrated and annoyed at having to use the shield and knew it wasn't doing anything for my milk supply.  I could sometimes get her to nurse without it but I had to sit there with a feeding syringe filled with milk and shoot some into the corner of her mouth pretty regularly to get her to keep going.  I was trying to encourage her to learn to nurse without the shield (what I would give to go back to her nursing with a shield now!) but I didn't realize that it was most likely signifying that she was having a problem latching properly and getting the milk out.  Which in turn caused her to be frustrated and still hungry, which prompted me to feel the need to supplement with a bottle, which only caused her to learn that a bottle was easy.  This, I believe was our ultimate downfall.  If I had only known.

I briefly wondered if she was tongue tied.  The only other baby I had a bit of trouble nursing at first was Noah and he was tongue tied.  His was an obvious, simple tongue tie.  He didn't really have problems nursing I just noticed I was staying sore much longer than normal.  We had his tongue clipped and everything was fine after that.  Everly's tongue didn't look like his so I didn't suspect a tongue tie.  Now that she is older and I watch her learning to make noises and discover her hands and even discover her tongue I am strongly suspecting that she may have more of a significant tongue tie.  Meaning that it's a wide tongue tie, her entire tongue seems to be attached further forward than normal.  It "looks" normal, I think that's why I didn't see it earlier, but it may be attached further forward even though it doesn't have an obvious frenulum. If that makes sense.  That would really explain pretty much every issue and it makes me so frustrated with myself that I didn't just pay more attention earlier.

I tried using a lact-aid which is one of those little things you put the milk in and attach the small tube to yourself so the baby gets lots of milk but also stimulates your supply.  In theory it should have worked but now since I think she is tongue tied it would explain why it did nothing for my supply.

And in hindsight I don't think it really was a supply problem.  I'd never had a supply problem before with a newborn so I thought it was weird, but since she was still obviously hungry I just assumed that was the problem.  If she is indeed tongue tied than it makes sense that it wasn't a supply problem but a problem with her ability to get it out.  And seeing as how I still have a lot of milk and she hasn't nursed in weeks I don't think I have a supply problem.

I also rented a hospital grade medela pump.  I'm not sure why it didn't work for me but I could barely get an ounce or two after 30-45 minutes of pumping.  I could get way more by hand expression.  Not a great long term solution as it made my hands terribly sore.  I kept the pump for a month but since it wasn't giving me hardly anything and was very expensive I returned it.

So eventually she was nursing less and less and began to highly prefer the bottle to the point where she would just cry and get angry if I tried to nurse.  I have tried tricking her while she was falling asleep, during her sleep, and when she would just wake up in be in a great mood.  None of it worked.  She still gets mad every time.

I'm still trying on occasion as and she gets older I'm just hoping that maybe one day she'll decide it's okay.

::sigh::