the three month funk(dealing with postpartum depression and thoughts on living a surrendered life)~

It hits me every time. Like a train. Even though I know it's coming. I hesitate to even write about it this time as this past year one of my closest friends walked through the worst postpartum depression I've ever witnessed. I've only read about cases that were that severe. And in no way am I passing judgment, I mention it because I never realized how utterly horrific it can be for some women.

But I do want to mention it for several reasons. So I can look back next time and maybe remember and get some perspective when I'm in the middle of it again, so I can remember and encourage my girls if they go through it one day, so other women can know they are not alone and hopefully be encouraged.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to approach it from a laid-back, "that's just life, no big deal now that I am (hopefully) coming out of it" perspective or from a little more serious perspective, but as I'm writing, I'm feeling the need to be a little more sober about it. Because it's really hard if you are someone that goes through it. And again, I cringe to even really make comparisons after my friend struggled horribly for months. Compared to what she went through, my experience is a walk in the park, but after asking numerous friends over the years, I've found that while it's nothing compared to severe ppd, it is quite a bit worse than any of my friends seem to experience, so I want to provide another place women can maybe find some help and encouragement.

I would like to say it's gotten some better with each baby, knowing now to watch for it. Having the perspective that it will pass does help some, but when you're in the middle of feeling depressed, even that knowledge is truthfully, not that comforting. So even though since the second baby I've known to watch for it, and been able to know it's coming and been able to identify it and even forewarn Glen, once it hits, it's really hard for me until it passes.

Women are always warned to watch for signs of ppd (postpartum depression) after a birth. Being overly emotional and weepy at first is normal. I've never actually had much of that. Maybe a little, but generally the first two months after giving birth are a really sweet, and usually easy time for me. But when my babies hit between three and four months my hormones shift, and with it often comes our babies' difficult stage. I don't know why it is, but generally the three month age is the hardest I have with my babies. I don't know if they sense something going on with me, if my milk changes due to such drastic hormone changes, or really what it is, but most of our babies have napping and tummy troubles during that month which only compounds my sense of being overwhelmed and stressed. (And just to have a record of it somewhere, this time around I have learned that my being overly stressed, preoccupied, and busy due to external circumstances (van shopping and several out of town trips) makes my babies highly agitated and unable to be easily comforted and settled. Meaning screaming most evenings and any time she was tired, virtually unable to be comforted. As soon as this was past and we were able to be home and just living "normal" life she immediately calmed down. And I also discovered, after much trial and error, that orange juice was giving her horrible, horrible tummy pains. Once I cut out the orange juice she has had virtually no tummy problems at all.)

So I did some research this time. Even though no one close to me has ever said they have a similar experience, I have heard from a few different places online that this happens to other women around the same time. What I learned has been so valuable this time around. I learned that when a woman is pregnant her progesterone production goes into maximum overdrive, producing up to 400mg of progesterone a day toward the end of pregnancy. Then, she gives birth, and since her ovaries are still dormant there is minimal to zero progesterone being produced. For awhile there are enough stores in her body to swing along for awhile, three to four months usually, and then, especially if she is nursing and her ovaries are still dormant, there is suddenly a huge progesterone deficiency and for some women this triggers depression. It's also what triggers postpartum hair loss. From my reading it sounds like quite a bit of even regular depression in women can be at least somewhat attributed to estrogen dominance and too little progesterone.

So what does that mean? I identified a very possible sounding cause and wanted to try and help myself this time. So I did some more research and found that a proper estrogen/progesterone balance can help women with a whole host of reproductive/women related issues; it can help women that have trouble sustaining a pregnancy due to an insufficient amount of progesterone, it can help with pms, it can help with postpartum depression, it can help with regular depression, and it can help peri- and post-menopausal women. Obviously I am not a doctor, but I would encourage any women that feels they may benefit from this knowledge to first research it for herself and then talk with your doctor.

So I went to Whole Foods and got some natural progesterone cream. (Make sure you get some that is not soy based as that can just compound any estrogen dominance. Do some research as well on what is good to get.) I got a pre-measured pump kind just so that I'd make sure to use the correct amount. It has been the difference in night and day. I had felt myself getting bad, and let it get really bad for a couple of weeks, so I know it's not just that my experience was different this time. It made a literal difference overnight. I at first hesitated to attribute it to the cream as I started it on a Thursday and Fridays just tend to be better since I know the weekend is coming. But almost three weeks have now passed and I can say it has been and continues to be a life saver. Although it does help within a day, it does seem that building up my levels was gradual. Every day was better, but this week I finally feel really normal. Possibly even extra better :o) I use it twice a day. Normally you would use it three weeks on, one week off, but since I am nursing and not needing to ovulate, I need to find out if I should also take a break for a week or not.

I anticipated it being rough this time. Ever since Caleb was born I've had someone, either my mother in law or my sister, that has kept my kids for me one day a week. For the past two years it's often been both. My mother in law would keep the little kids one day giving me a day with the big kids for cleaning, school, etc. and my sister has kept some or all and taken them out to do something fun. (Now you all know my secret :o) I freely admit it makes a huge difference knowing I have that break coming every week. For almost a year now, it's been sporadic with my mother in law as she's had her parents and then her mother in law living with them and having to provide pretty much round-the-clock care, but my sister was very consistent. Until she went to Romania to do a DTS. For six months. Right when Grace turned three months old. So right when I anticipated the depression hitting, I went from having a weekly break for eight years to having one of my closest friends leave for six months and having no regular all-day break from the kids whatsoever. (Well, other than Glen, who is a huge help. But you know what I mean.) Even their one day a week home school group was out for the summer. I had briefly entertained the idea of (gasp!) a mother's day out program in the fall, but I know for me, for our family, that is not what God wants me to do, so I'm not. I know it's all part of the process of Him continuing to work in me more of Himself and work out of me more of my self-centeredness. You know, that whole refining part of following Jesus that we like to conveniently try and get out of. So for me this is not an option.

But you know, God has been gracious, and even making this transition in the middle of dealing with ppd has been relatively easy. The depression has not been easy, but just being home daily with all the kids without a weekly "break" has been good. In all honesty, it's something I've known I need to do for a very long time. I know I've talked some on here about my process of learning to like to be at home. For me, especially in my early years of having children, always being on the go, always being busy, always having somewhere I could send my kids instead of having to deal with them, allowed me to not have to face a good bit of selfishness, laziness, and just plain junk in me that needed to be dealt with. And even though facing my stuff and my self-centeredness is not fun, nor is it easy, it is what we are called as Christ-followers to do. And I want to live a surrendered life, I want to become more like Him, so I'm pressing in. And I'm finding even in the difficulty, it is such a sweet place to be.

the birth of grace~

Well, it's high time I finally got around to writing Grace's birth story. I do feel I really needed to process it first, as my first attempts were all over the place and the way I kept "losing" them to blogger-land finally led me to believe I just needed to wait a bit. And I did. I needed to think it through. Not to mention I've been a little busy :o)

So here it is. Finally.

The actual birth is pretty normal. Labor began, lasted about four hours total with about twenty minutes or so of pushing. She was posterior, she turned right before I began to push. Non-eventful, easy birth. Rather large for two weeks early (nine and a half pounds exactly,) but perfectly healthy. No tearing, easy recovery. All done.

But it didn't feel that way in my head. During the labor, it felt like my hardest one ever. But it was all mental. The actual "birth story" is as above, but in my head it was an entirely different story. So if you want the details, here they are...

Easter Morning. We're all excited to go to my grandparents' farm in Kentucky. Secretly I've been feeling like she would come this weekend, but you know how that is. It's so hard to discern between what one is "feeling" and what one is just really hoping for. So although I was feeling it would be Easter weekend, Haven's two week late birth kept me from setting myself up for disappointment. I knew I was mentally preparing for her to come early though as I finished off my to do list on Saturday.

So everyone is looking forward to Kentucky. I'm hoping the car ride will put me into labor and that things will happen that night after a nice visit to the farm.

Not so. I woke suddenly around 7am thinking I either peed in the bed (which has never happened to me, even during pregnancy) or my water broke a little. I say a little because it was one small spot, not a huge gush. I got up, confirmed that yes! my water had indeed broken. And went back to bed quietly excited with my secret, and waited for something to happen. I was mildly disappointed that it seemed I would be laboring during the day (I really, really like waking up during the night realizing labor has begun, taking a bath, and enjoying the dark, quiet house and watching the sunrise. Strange, I know. But it's actually worked out that way several times.) But the disappointment was largely overshadowed by excitement that she was coming, and almost two weeks early!

So I laid there, and nothing. About an hour later, everyone was up and I was keeping my secret. (Have I mentioned I don't like to tell anyone I'm in labor until I absolutely have to? Not even Glen. For some reason, I just really prefer keeping it to myself as long as possible.) But after awhile I realized I was going to have to tell them as they were beginning to talk about getting ready to go. I told Glen quietly first, his eyes got really big and it actually took me a minute to convince him I wasn't joking. The kids were all very excited to find out the baby was coming and didn't mind missing the trip. Except for Ethan, he was highly irritated the baby couldn't just wait. He kept saying, "Can't we just go? The baby isn't actually coming now. Can't we just go and come back when she's actually being born?" Poor guy. If we had only known.

So I turn into the cleaning dictator. Anything anyone gets out has to be immediately put back, and any mess or crumb must immediately be cleaned up. But still nothing is happening. Not one contraction. Nothing. We take a family picture, run to the video store, come home, eat lunch, and finally lay down for a nap. All this time, my water is leaking enough for me to know that it truly is that, but not enough to keep me from normal activity. So finally I realize this labor is looking to be like Caleb's. With his birth, my water began leaking early on a Sunday morning as well, but I didn't go into labor until the following night. I really am kind of happy that I may indeed get to labor during the night. And it was really kind of fun anticipating it.

When we woke up from our nap Sunday afternoon, my water really broke. As in I was creating puddles every time I stood up, so I spent the rest of the evening sitting in my chair and assuring Glen it was totally normal for labor to have not really started yet. I reminded him of Caleb's birth, but he was still growing nervous that it had been so long and nothing was happening. He kept wanting me to call Susie, but I knew what that would mean and I wanted to just let it happen on its own. I assured him things would probably happen during the night and not to be concerned. We watched a movie and eventually went to bed.

I woke up the next morning after having zero contractions during the night. I don't even think I got up to pee. I'm lying in my bed trying to not be disappointed. At this point, I know we're going to have to have a baby today, one way or another as my water has been broken for so long now. No night laboring, and more than likely we're going to have to induce labor, be it naturally at home or artificially at the hospital. So I'm trying to not be terribly disappointed. You see, I really like to plan things. Whether it be how I'm going to organize my laundry or how my labor is going to go. I have always had a very distinct plan in my mind of how I want it to go, and amazing it has been that way more often than not. And not only do I have a very specific way of how I want things to go, but I also have very specific things that I absolutely hate in labor. And it was beginning to look like not only was it not going to go the way I wanted, but I was going to have to endure the things I absolutely wanted to avoid at any cost.

So I was mad. And then Glen comes in and tells me he's called Susie and she's on her way. So now I'm really frustrated. I can't even sit there and feel sorry for myself think through things and talk myself out of my pity party. I was slightly irritated with Glen, but he was concerned, and knows how I always put off calling the midwife, so he just took charge. It had to be done, I know it, but I was not happy about it.

So she comes. She tells me about the whole "water broken for 24 hours" thing which I already know, so we decide that "officially" my water didn't really break until I woke up from that nap around 3, so we'll give it until noon to see if labor is progressing. If not, I'll need to go to the hospital. Oh, and by the way, hospitals around here won't even do pitocin once it's been 24 hours. Automatic c-section. No pressure or anything. Ugh.

So she gives me some homeopathic stuff, has me use the br**st pump, and threatens me with castor oil or an enema if nothing happens. She really is quite nice about it, but I'm mad. Outwardly I'm agreeing, but inwardly I'm thinking yeah right. I'd rather just go to the hospital, refuse a c-section, get an epidural and have a nice pain free birth. I mean, by now all my desires are out the window, so why not just go all the way? I seriously spent the next hour thinking about how I was going to tell my midwife I wanted to go the hospital if she told me I needed to try castor oil or an enema. And I was serious.

Well, let me tell you. All that talk about n**ple stimulation (sorry, dad) bringing on contractions? It's true. It works, and it works fast. Within five minutes of using the pump I was having intense "I changed my mind about this whole no drug thing" contractions four to five minutes apart. They gave me some iv antibiotics to be on the safe side since my water had been broken for so long. (Which was so much easier than at the hospital. She slid the little needle in, just held it there for about fifteen minutes, then slid it out. No tape and I didn't have to leave it in during labor. So nice.)

So things are progressing. And then Susie realizes that once again, my baby is posterior. Now I'm really mad. Not only did I not get to gradually go into labor during the night, but I'm not going to get to labor comfortabally. No, I get to lay in all kinds of uncomfortable baby-turning positions while having intense contractions close together. I'm okay with it as I do not want to try and push out a baby turned backwards, but I'm still mad about the whole situation. She does finally let me get into the bath for awhile, but when I get out, I have to try and get the baby to turn still. I couldn't even lay back in the bath, I had to sit up straight. And I had too much tea tree oil in the water so every time I would have a contraction I would lay my head down on the side of the tub, but I couldn't breathe because it was too strong.

And all this time I'm retreating further and further into myself. You moms know how it is. You kind of get locked in your brain. I was obsessing over how miserable I was, how mad I was, trying to figure out if and how I could tell Susie I really just wanted to go to the hospital, and telling myself over and over that next time, I really, really, really AM going to the hospital. And that I'm not going to forget how much I want to just get an epidural next time. Really, I do. Finally, I remembered that I had asked the Lord for a verse or two to remember during labor, but by this time I couldn't really get them straight in my head, so they kept meshing with another. Really, I think this was the Holy Spirit giving me encouragement though as the way they went together was really sweet, and very encouraging when I could manage to remember it.

You know, it only takes a paragraph to write in black and white what was going through my head, but it was really intense and mentally very difficult. I guess it lasted about two and half hours or so of this feeling of contraction after contraction, with these thoughts chasing one another through my brain and my going back and forth between being mad and trying to gather my thoughts and remind myself of Scripture. I was very quiet, I don't make much noise during labor and don't like to talk unless I have to, but inwardly my mind was overwhelmed.

I got out of the tub, Susie checked me and I was almost complete, with a lip. (Does that happen to every mother giving birth naturally? It seems there is always a lip. "Just wait a little longer, you're almost there, just a little lip.") Susie figured this was because she was still backwards so that her head couldn't put proper pressure to finish dilating. So I resume lying on my side in Susie's highly effective baby-turning positions. (They work, they really do.) Finally, I feel this tremendous pulling and turning sensation during about three contractions. Grace is turning into the proper position, and I can certainly feel it. You could literally watch her turning around as my stomach contorted strangely.

As soon as she finished turning, I had the urge to push. I had to push for about twenty minutes, which is longer than with any of my other children, but oddly, it didn't hurt. It felt good to be able to finally push and know the end was near. I was finally going to have my Grace. I didn't even realize her head was out until Susie told me her shoulder was stuck and to push really hard. That took a few more pushes, and then finally, that feeling of immense relief when you feel them slide completely out. She was perfect, and beautiful.

Immediately following the birth, I had the whole violent leg shaking thing which is so odd, but is calmed by warm blankets fresh from the dryer (yay for being at home!) and I was exhausted. Usually I'm actually quite perky after birth for awhile, but this time I was mentally worn out and just wanted everyone to leave. I have had people at my births before, but have learned that I really prefer to just be alone. It doesn't even really matter to me so much if Glen is there which I'm sure most people will think is really strange, especially since we have such a sweet and wonderful relationship, but I just completely withdraw into myself during labor so I don't even really notice anyone except for Susie telling me what to do. This time, Anna and Glen were there, but that was all. I always tell my Aunt (who is like my Mom) and sisters that I'm planning on having them, "but will have to see," but this time I didn't have anyone since it began under weird circumstances, was immediately intense, and I was just plain mad the whole time. Anna, having missed Haven's falling out since she ran to get everyone else, refused to budge from the room the entire time, and she was actually a huge help to not only me while I was pushing, but also to Susie. Even if she did talk her ear off :o) (Me: "Anna, if you can't stop talking, you are going to have to leave!") :o)

I was telling some friends yesterday the whole thing was so surreal. I can see myself lying there pushing, but in my mind, my bed was almost all the way against the wall, it felt like the wall was right in front of my face. In reality, I was a good seven or eight feet away from the wall probably, but in my memory my bed is moved completely over. Very weird. The whole thing is like one long, slow motion memory where I'm going back and forth between the real world and my own thoughts. Very much like something you would see in a movie. It was very strange to experience it in real life.

So that's why it has taken me so long to process it. It actually took me a long time to figure out why I was so frustrated and mad the whole time and why it felt so much harder when it really wasn't. I just couldn't make the mental - emotional connection. I guess it is just another lesson in me not being able to control everything in life and learning to be okay with that. I very much want to have another baby, I very much want to have another home birth (funny how quickly we forget,) and next time, I hope I can remember how huge a part my mental outlook plays in how easy or difficult labor feels and that I can just go with it.

So that's my story. Sorry it took so long ;o)

And for those of you (like me) that love birth stories, my other ones are here.

baby grace~

Grace Rose
Monday, 13 April 2009
1:40 pm
21 inches
9lbs 8oz

She's here! And 12 days early! And 9lbs 8oz at 12 days early!

And labor? Well....I don't want to talk about it.

Birth story and better photos to (hopefully) to follow in the next few days.

I don't have any really good photos yet. Hopefully I'll feel like finding the camera wherever the kids stuck it this morning and putting forth some energy to get some good photos. Right now, all I want to do is sleep :o)

Sunday morning after my water broke.

Mommy, Haven, and baby Grace

A very proud and excited big brother

labor day fun~

Call me silly, but I love a good meme. Pair that with being a woman who has also given birth, I also love a good birth story. Therefore, I had to participate in the labor day meme being hosted by Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer.

The topic, of course, is labor. Answer the following questions for each of your children, and go over and leave at link at Rocks In My Dryer :o)

Here goes...

1. How long were your labors?

A~ about 8 hours from first pitocin drip to last push

C~ technically, 30ish hours, but only if you count that my water broke 24 hours before the first contraction. from the time contractions started, only about 3 hours

E~ again, about 3 hours

M~ about 4 hours, but I was pretty much keeping my legs closed the last 1 1/2 hours to keep her from coming before Glen got home :o) (she was my surprise 15 day early baby, born on her Daddy's birthday)

N~ again, about 4 hours

H~ 18 hours. posterior. ugh.

2. How did you know you were in labor?

A~ I was induced. Once they started that pitocin, there was no mistaking what was happening.

C~ Like I said before, my water had broken, but no labor for over 24 hours. By that point I was in the hospital under threat of induction if things didn't happen by early morning. Finally, around 3am, I had this sudden realization that I was having contractions that I was having to concentrate to get through.

E~ Another induction. Wish I had known more then.

M~ Woke up during the night realizing I was having regular contractions.

N~ Was rocking an intensely sick Anna, and realized I was having regular contractions.

H~ Woke up during the night again.

3. Where did you deliver?

ACE~ hospital

MNH~ home

4. Drugs?

A~ yep. First baby, induction. Those of you that can do it without drugs, you win an award.

C~ yep, even though I really wanted to not and if I'd only held out for another hour I would've made it.

E~ first natural birth. Even though I was induced, I was b/t 5-6cm going in and it was questionable whether or not I was already going into labor.

M~ nope. no drugs at home.

N~ nope. But his was my only natural birth during which I though I was absolutely crazy and next time I was definitely going to the hospital.

H~ nope. Obviously I got past Noah's birth.

5. C-Section?

No, thankfully.

6. Who delivered?

A~ Dr. Trabue. If you live around here and are going the ob route, I cannot recommend anyone more highly. He is the only that actually referred me to my midwife and graciously agrees to be my backup during my home births.

C~ Dr. Swan. Dr. Trabue missed it by a half hour coming back from vacation and I have regretted it ever since.

E~ Dr. Trabue

M~ a midwife who I didn't care for so much. A lot of people I know absolutely love her, but our personalities just didn't match very well. Plus she absconded on my sister in law during her 4th of July labor in order to go back home for a party. For a few hours. Uh uh. Not such a good idea. Plus that baby had a prolapsed cord. Although she did save that baby's life, what would have happened if he had decided to come quickly while she was gone??

N~ Susie Meeks, my favorite midwife ever and her awesome assistant, Cindy

H~ same as Noah

7. Favorite birth? (I added this one.)

Moriah. Even though I didn't get along with the midwife so much, the labor was fast and sooo easy. I was at 7cm when the midwife arrived, sat down and chatted easily b/t contractions while waiting for Glen to get home, when he got home, I got up off the chair, laid down on the bed, and pushed her out in just a few pushes. Can't ask for more :o)

That's it! Leave me a comment if you decide to participate so I can check it out :o)

Happy Labor Day!

moriah's birth story~

Fast forward another year :o) Again. We are in the process of building our house and Glen is gone all the time trying to get it built as quickly and inexpensively as possible. We have three little ones four and under and life is very full.

Late January, maybe three weeks after Ethan turned 1, we find out that sure enough, #4 is scheduled to arrive 11 October. My sister-in-law, Joni, had just had her fourth baby a few weeks prior and Dr. Trabue had jokingly asked if I was pregnant. My two other sister-in-laws, Lori and Elizabeth, were also expecting, causing all of us to have babies in nine months.

We had been at Abounding Grace for several years now, so I was very familiar with home birthing, and as my ob was very supportive of it and willing to be my backup doctor, we decided to go for a home birth.

We found out we were expecting another girl, and the only name for her was Moriah. The official meaning of Moriah is "taught of the Lord". It also has strong spiritual connections in other ways for us as well. We had been in a very intense season of truly "being taught of the Lord." Moriah was also the name of the mountain where God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, and later where David purchased the threshing floor in order to build the temple. The temple was built there, and there the Lord put His Presence. All these things had great meaning for us in that season of our life, and so she stands as a testimony to the Lord's faithfulness to us and His desire to teach us, lead us, and fill us with His Presence.

Glen rushed to finish our house and we moved into in June, with a little over three months to spare. We settled in, Anna started Kindergarten, and I kicked into waiting-for-baby mode.

I didn't have to wait long.

Fifteen days earlier than she was due, on Glen's birthday, I woke up during the night with contractions that were increasingly becoming evident of the real thing. We weren't at all thinking she would be born that soon, and Glen had a customer who had to get some stuff finished up so that his water could be turned back on (or something important like that). He left to run across town and take care of that, and I got out of the bathtub to get Anna ready for school.

The midwife arrived, as well as Joni (who lived down the driveway). My mother-in-law arrived and took the kids down to Joni's house, and Joni stayed with me until Glen could get back. Anna never did make it to school.

This birth was by far the easiest. I labored for awhile in the bath before calling the midwife. It was wonderful. (One of these days I would love to have a water birth.) I got out to get Anna ready for school, and was just walking around getting things done in between contractions. When the midwife arrived, she checked me and said I was a good 7cm and if I didn't want to have the baby before Glen returned, I needed to sit down. So I sat. We talked and laughed between contractions and I never realized I was in transition.

Once Glen finally arrived, I decided to let Heather check me again. She declared me ready to push, and a few minutes later, out popped Moriah. Okay, it wasn't quite that easy, but Joni says you couldn't even tell I was in labor. Now, with her I had the most prounounced "ring of fire" that is so notorious, but it was very quick.

After a couple of turkey and swiss sandwiches, I settled in to be amazed that I had another sweet baby girl that was here much sooner and more easily than I ever imagined.

noah's birth story~

One year later. Ha ha. Went away for a weekend with Glen, secretly suspecting I would probably get pregnant ;o), only to discover the day after we returned that I already was pregnant. Glen wasn't really surprised. A few weeks prior the Lord had done something really sweet in that He had pretty much told Glen we were supposed to have another baby. The Lord had given me the name Noah some months earlier, and from the beginning, this baby was going to be named Noah whether a boy or a girl.



This time I wanted to switch midwives. Although the midwife I had used for Moriah was fine, we never really hit it off, and I had since met Susie Meeks. She is a mother of five, lives close to me, would come to my house for appointments, and has such a sweet, sweet spirit, that I instantly loved her and knew she was the midwife for me!



The year I was pregnant with Noah was my first year homeschooling Anna. She stayed home that year and we did first grade. I had a 6yr old, a 4yr old, a newly turned 3yr old, and a just turned 1yr old. I was a little tired. But I do love being pregnant. (That explains a lot, doesn't it?)



Noah was due on 15 July, but the evening of 6 July, when everyone in the family, save Moriah and myself, was violently ill from some horrible stomach thing acquired at Wave Country two days prior, baby Noah decided to be born.



All day I had been taking care of everyone that was sick, and late in the evening, as I was rocking a very, very sick Anna, I realized I was in labor. Poor Anna. Her head hurt so badly she was screaming and throwing up. Not exactly the best environment to bring a new baby into, but the Lord is gracious and there are all those fabulous immunities built into a newborn. The other kids were sick as well, although not in as much pain as Anna was, and Glen was very sick as well. Like I-can't-get-off -the-couch, sorry-I'll-see-the-baby-after-she's-born-hope-you-make-it-okay kind of sick. Great.



So I call my sister. She drives like a crazy person and makes the 1hr and 10minute trip out here in about 50 minutes. My other sister is out of town.



The sister that made it, the one who keeps my kids all the time, is my youngest sister Kristen. I'll have to write about her sometime. Anyway, she's young, and only 20. Great for hanging out and having fun, and she makes an awesome nanny (if anyone is in the market), but not exactly the support-the-laboring-mom type. I remember thinking "If she doesn't shut up I'm going to have to get rid of her." It was all great fun for her. Kind of an adventure. She got to video tape the whole thing (you know, so Glen could see it later.) She had been at Anna's birth, but she was only 12 at the time, so it was a little different. (Sorry if you're reading this, Kristen. I think you are fabulous and am so glad you got to be there. I'm sure if I have another baby I'll tape your mouth shut you will have grown in your labor support techniques :o) Seriously, though, I love you bunches!)



Anyway, Noah's birth was a lot harder for me to deal with mentally. Probably because Glen was immobile on the couch and I had three children very sick, one who was in quite a bit of pain. Not exactly conducive to a nice, calm birth. With Noah, I realized I was in transition, and panicked. I remember thinking, "What am I doing? If I ever have another baby, I am so going to the hospital and getting an epidural."



The time came for him to be born, about four hours after realizing I was in labor, and about an hour after Susie and my sister arrived. Glen managed to crawl into the bedroom and sprawl out on the bed behind me and touch my head (which I did not like at the time, poor guy) while I pushed Noah out. I didn't tear at all, and was slightly pouty a little bit amused that out of everyone in the house, I felt the best even though I had just delivered a baby. Anna woke up right as he was being born, and she and Glen fell asleep on the couch together soon after.



I ended up in the bed with my sister. For the first time. (See Haven's birth story for how I ended up in bed with my other sister after his birth. Good thing my sisters are my best friends, eh?)



This time, I was quite a bit more apprehensive about another home birth, but when the time came, there was not a question in my mind as to what I wanted to do. Home births are amazing, sweet, and although my next experience, while crazy and never in a million years would I have planned for it to happen like it did, was very good, and as everyone knows by now, I am eagerly anticipating doing it...again. If only I had an announcement ;o) That is currently under negotiations and prayer.

caleb's birth story~

**I would love it if you would all share some of your birth stories,

whether by blogging or even in the comments.

I love birth stories.**

Fast forward one year since Anna's birth. (see Anna's Birth Story here.) We've sold our house in LaVergne, and bought a house in Madison closer to my family. (I grew up living next door to my grandmother, my two great-aunts, and my aunt, plus I'm very close to both my sisters, so living out in LaVergne in my first few months of motherhood and no longer working outside the home made for one depressed new mommy.)

I nursed Anna for 11 months, and then she suddenly weaned herself. I found out I was pregnant the day after she turned one. I was very excited. I knew he was a boy from day one. The big name debate was between Caleb and Christian. Glen thought Christian Rivers sounded like a church, so Caleb it was.

He was due on 1 May. That morning, I had a mother-daughter tea at my family's church. I almost won the youngest mom award, but my sweet friend Rachel beat me by a couple of months :o)

I had woken up that morning thinking my water was probably leaking. As with Anna, I had been 5cm for the past week or so. I knew if I called the doctor he would probably tell me to come into the hospital, and wanting to avoid an induction and get to experience the "I think it's time!" phenomenon, I decided to hold off on calling him. At least until after the tea. I mean, who can resist little sandwiches, fruit, and cake? I could have a baby later.

That afternoon I called the doctor. He told me to come on in and if I didn't go into labor by the following morning, I would need to be induced as my water would have been broken for over 24 hours. We got to the hospital and were met by the drill sergeant nurse. My doctor was on vacation, but the on-call came by and said he was fine with me having liquids until midnight. As soon as he left the room, she informed me she wasn't going to let me have anything. (I guess she didn't want to deal with a potentially throwing up patient. I am sooo glad I home birth now!)Not only was she a strict, by the book type, she also had just had a chemical peel, so she was the blistered drill sergeant. That was okay, we kept the lights off.

I really didn't want to be induced. My three regrets after having Anna were being induced, not getting to experience going into labor, and having an epidural. (No flames for women that have epidurals, it was just how I wanted to do things!)

Around 3am I realized (and it really was like an epiphany), "Hey! I'm having contractions that I'm noticing. I must be in labor!" I woke Glen up and told him. He went back to sleep. After a little while, they were getting more intense, so I woke up Glen and called her. She graciously got me a birthing ball that was quite nice. But alas, once again labor was hard, and not knowing how much longer it would last, I opted for the epidural.

Wouldn't you know, right after that, not thirty minutes, I was complete , and Caleb was born with a pushing stage so short I don't even remember it. He had meconium so they didn't hand him to me right away. I remember really noticing the cramping after he was born. I think one of the great benefits of being handed your baby immediately is that your focus is all on that new sweet little person and it helps you not notice the lovely afterbirth stuff.

Caleb Rivers was born around 6:20am, and Dr. Trabue (my fabulous ob that is still my backup doctor and referred me to my midwife, Susie) missed it by mere minutes.

We named our new little guy Caleb Rivers. He weighed 8#14oz. We went home a couple of days later and everything was great. Adjusting to number two was so much easier. And this time I avoided the whole well-baby check event at Vandy ;o)

ethan's birth story~

Fast forward one year. Again. Caleb had weaned himself around 11 months like Anna had, and three days after Caleb's first birthday, one early Sunday morning before church, I snuck out to the grocery story and confessed quite embarassedly (is that a word?) to Glen awhile later that yes, we were expecting baby number three, and yes, I had snuck out to the grocery store that morning. We had just started going to Abounding Grace three weeks before, and I was very excited to let all of our family know our news that morning! (In hindsight, I probably should have held off on telling Glen until after he finished bathing #1-2 and we made the food we were taking to church for the fellowship meal. But hey, I was excited. He was, too, just not able to provide much of a reaction while covered in baby bubbles.)

Ethan was due on 10 January. I had a great pregnancy and was looking forward to labor. My great sister-in-law, Elizabeth, had delivered her first son, Gray, naturally the previous January, so I was determined to have a natural birth. This was also the first thought toward home birth that I was introduced to as we had been attending Abounding Grace and home birthing was very common there. My ob, Dr. Trabue, had also jokingly asked me if I was going to ask him to deliver this baby at home. I wasn't ready for that quite yet, but I really wanted a natural birth.

Thanksgiving comes, then Christmas, and I am getting antsy. I didn't really want a January baby. I wanted a tax deduction baby (I know, I know...). I had an appointment on New Year's Eve. Just like my two prior births, I was dilated to a good 5cm and walked around like that for a week without going into labor. At my appointment that morning, Dr. Trabue asked me if I wanted to be induced. I said no, and left the office. I was getting into my car, in tears, and called Glen. I really wanted to go ahead and have the baby, but I didn't want to be induced and knew that a natural birth would be harder with an induction. And as silly as it sounds, that extra child tax credit would be really helpful to a young couple with three little ones three and under.

Glen was very supportive and said whatever I wanted to do would work out fine. If I wanted to go ahead and have the baby, that would be great. But if I wanted to wait, it would be just as fine. Not exactly the help I was looking for, but at least he was a good listener :o)

I called back up to the office and told the nurse that if they could get me in that day, I would do it. She thought it was probably too late, plus it was New Year's Eve, but she would check. She called me back and said they had an opening that afternoon. Okay. I was a jumble of emotions.

We went to the hospital at 2pm, and got everything going. I had an amazing nurse that knew I wanted natural childbirth. I told her if I started talking about an epidural, that she needed to talk me out of it. She was great. She let me labor without the monitor (probably the number one thing I hate about hospital births) quite a bit, let me sit on the birthing ball, and was very supportive. Glen and I hung out and watched Jurassic Park 2. Well, for awhile anyway.

Thanks to the mercy of the Father, a wonderful husband, and a very supportive nurse, I was able to labor and deliver naturally. Finally! What an accomplishment!

After only a three hour labor, Ethan Rivers was born slightly after 6pm. He weighed 9#6oz. I immediately wanted a sandwich and salad. I crave turkey and swiss sandwiches for days after every single one of my births, but the salad thing was new. I had never liked salad before in my life, but suddenly they sounded yummy. My great nurse hunted down a huge sandwich and salad for me and for Glen, and that was that.

I was strep B positive with Ethan, so we had to stay at the hospital an extra day since my labor was too quick for me to get a full dose of antibiotics, but we went home a few days later and I was amazed at how quickly my little family was growing.

The first few weeks as I sat around and nursed him I read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I even got some of the other books about the history of the elves and dwarfs and the history of Middle Earth. I did a lot of reading those few weeks.

Ethan was such a sweet baby. They were all sweet, but I guess I was finally settled enough in the baby thing that I was able to really enjoy him. I also remember Glen being particularly sweet toward me in the weeks after his birth. You all know I think Glen is an amazing husband and father, but this time has always stood out out to me.

And as usual, I couldn't wait to do it again :o)

anna's birth story~

I haven't been the best at keeping up with the baby books. I actually did pretty well up until Noah. I'm so used to typing that writing things out by hand seems to take forever. I do keep a handwritten journal, but it's sparse compared to here, so while I'm on my blogging roll, I thought for the sake of my children and myself when I am older (and all the birth story junkies), I would write out each one's birth story. I'll begin at the beginning....

Glen and I had been married six months. We had bought our first house a couple of months before and were planning on "trying" to get pregnant in January. Well, due to a certain someone not been very diligent with her birth control pills, one mid-January morning, I received a very pleasant surprise!

My original due date was 14 September. It was later moved to 4 September after a routine ultrasound showed her measuring bigger. I had a marvelous, uneventful pregnancy.

Around six weeks before my due date, I was dilated to 2cm. I hung out there for a few weeks, and gradually, at two weeks prior to my due date, I was dilated between 5-6cm. Being young and uninformed in the ways of childbirth, I agreed to be induced. After all, it was my first baby and I had been waiting to be a mother my whole life!

The following morning I arrived at the hospital around 8am. It took awhile to get things going, but around 10am or so I was having nice, strong pitocin contractions. Out the window flew my natural childbirth intentions (I really had no idea). Everything progressed nicely, and our sweet, red-faced, black-haired baby was born a few short hours later with only a few pushes. My entire family was there. My Mom, my aunt, my sisters, and my mother-in-law. Oh, and Glen. We can't forget Glen. :o) I did have a 3rd degree tear, but all was well. (Why didn't anyone bother to inform me that after pains, stitches, and engorgement could all easily rival labor???)

Anna Rose Hutchison weighed 8# 10 1/2 oz. and was 20 inches long. We went home two days later and thus began my journey.

A few other things I want to remember~

I got to labor and birth in the secluded, very large room usually reserved for celebrities. Anna thinks this is pretty cool and it allowed for plenty of room for my family.

My great aunt and grandmother were also both in the same hospital as I was. We were each on separate floors and my other aunt kept running up and down the elevator to check on everyone. As soon as I was discharged, we walked back into the hospital (after the formalities of being wheeled out, getting in the car, the nurse making sure we had an infant carseat, and re-parking the car of course) to visit my aunt and grandmother. We had to go up the elevator, and across the verrryyy looong crosswalk, and down the hallway. Did I mention I had a lot of stitches? Again, I ask, why didn't anyone warn me? I can't hold my sweet husband responsible as at this point in time he still had no clue :o)

The following week, I took her to Vandy for a well-baby check. I had to park in the garage. Across the street. Go up the elevator and down a verrry looong hallway. Didn't think I'd need the stroller. (think young, naive, super-mom...or so I thought) Dropped the blanket in the middle of the road on my way back to the car. Had to take the stairs in the parking garage. Did I mention I had stitches? Like, a lot of them. By the time I got there, I needed the doctor more than she did. She was perfectly healthy. I, on the otherhand, couldn't walk for two weeks. We soon changed doctors.

I was a compulsive breastfeeder. Kept track of which side, for how long, watched the clock, and was obsessed with "learning" how to nurse discreetly.

I am so glad I'm not a new mom anymore. Whew. Those days were hard :o)

sweet baby haven~

~happy 1st birthday haven!~

I've been meaning to write down Haven's birth story, for, well, about a year now, so I figured in honor of my sweet baby turning one, today would be a great day to do it.

Well, to start at the beginning, I'll give you a little background. First of all, all of my children (except Caleb who was born on his due date) have been early. Like from 8 days early to 20 days early. So, as Haven was due on 17 May, and wasn't actually born until 30 May, that made for a very, very l o n g amount of time that we were just...waiting. I am a huge planner, like, I still have 4 containers of Tide that I stocked up on before he was born and the amount of food I had in the freezer lasted us a good 6-8 months, I still have 5 more boxes of toothpaste in the cabinet, and still have some diapers that I got before. Like I said, I'm a planner and slightly ocd. So, my house was entirely clean and we were ready to go a solid three weeks before he was due. As he was 13 days late...I was going slightly crazy, wondering just exactly how large this child was going to be (Anna was 20 days early from her original due date and weighed 8#10oz, and Ethan was 11 days early and weighed 9#6oz. My dates were right, and my awesome sister in law had an 11lb baby just months earlier, so this was no small thought, people!). I was beginning to become obstinate in declaring "I don't care what the midwife says, I am not going to the hospital, I'll just hide out in the basement and he will eventually decide to be born, I mean, no one stays pregnant forever...". Not to mention that we had end of the year New Song stuff (you should have seen me at field day!), my sister was finishing up nursing school, my aunt (the teacher) was finishing up her school year, my mother in law who is a tremendous help but who has two autistic high school age sons that were about to be out of school for the summer, and Glen's work schedule, made for a lot of people trying to schedule when this baby should be born. Oh yeah, and did I mention that my midwife had all five of her children/spouses coming in from out of town for Memorial Day? Oh yeah, and I had been hospitalized with pneumonia a few weeks prior. Anyway, it was slightly crazy :o)

So, Sunday before he was born, the day before Memorial Day. I started taking blue/black cohosh. Tastes gross, but you know, whatever works. Didn't work. Didn't actually think it would. I tend to think babies will be born when they're good and ready, and if you force it before your body and your baby is ready, well, often not such a good idea. So, waiting, waiting, waiting.

Okay, so, finally, around 2:30ish on Wednesday, 30 May, I woke up with what seemed like the real thing. Finally. I love waking up in the middle of the night in labor. It's happened with four of my children, and I had been asking God the whole time to please let it happen that way again. It's just really cool to wake up and know today is the day. Then I usually sit around for awhile, the house is nice and quiet, I take a nice long bath, see the sun rise, call the midwife, and wa la! a baby is born about an hour later. Funny how things don't always go exactly the way we plan. Ha ha. I should probably add here that my whole pregnancy, I had pretty consciously been aware of the Lord preparing me for what would be an out-of-the-norm-for-me labor, and especially once I realized this was to be my first late baby, and as I realized this was going to be a really late baby, I began to really know something was going to be different. So I was prepared.

Sort of.

So, everything went according to my previously laid plans as stated above, except the baby an hour later part. I was in labor, still pretty comfortable, just not moving along nearly as fast as all my other babies. Hmmm. Back began hurting more than usual. Called Glen to come home around lunch time (I had sent him to work to wrap up a few things knowing he would head back when I called). Still thinking, normally we would have had a baby several hours ago. Glen's home, on the phone with work (do these people not realize their door knobs and garage remodels can wait until tomorrow! Gee, does my husband not realize their door knobs and garage remodels can wait until tomorrow?), and every contraction I'm kicking him, pointing at my back..up, down, left, right...push harder...get offf the phone already! Not calling the midwife as I just like to be left alone in the calmness and quietness until I feel I have just enough time for her to get here to deliver.

5pm-ish, finally call her as it's getting more intense. She gets here, checks me, sets up. Still no baby. Get to 10cm, she has me push a little, even though I don't have the urge yet, just to kind of assess progress. Finally, she and her assistant realize Haven is posterior. No worries, not a huge deal, they've actually had 8 posterior babies in the last two months, it just makes for a longer labor and harder pushing. Like I said, not a huge deal. Unless you're in active labor trying to contort your 13 day overdue body into Chinese acrobat-type positions in the name of trying to get your baby to turn already. Yeah right.

I have no idea what my kids did all day. Thankfully, they're pretty self sufficient. Plus they had Glen and Anna around to keep them in line. Toward the end there, Anna and Moriah were on the bed with me, rubbing my arm, and Caleb and Ethan would periodically run to the bedroom door, peek in and see me bent over during a contraction (thankfully, I'm a pretty quiet labor-er), make "oh my gosh-that is such a girl thing-gross!" type faces while trying not to laugh and run off again. Noah was probably lining up blocks somewhere. Who knows? Not me.

So, a couple of hours pass of trying to get this baby to turn. Lying down and pushing a little here and there to see if we can just make some progress in getting him to come out sunny side up. Nothing is saying imminent delivery. I'm lying on the bed, Glen is sitting in front of the bed, the midwife and her assistant are across the room writing something down. I decide to stand up and move around a little. Well, Haven must have decided to turn right then, because as soon as I stood up, I felt him come down. Far. As in he's coming out right now. I leaned over on Glen, yelled "head", and he fell out. Literally. Glen and the midwife dove for him and caught him inches above the floor. Still in his water bag. The cord snapped, so both of us are bleeding out all over the place, he's still in the bag, so he's cut off from oxygen, and no one was ready. It was a very chaotic minute or so. Not to mention that my NICU nurse sister who had never made it to one of my home births before, happened to arrive in my front door right as I yelled head, and walked into my bedroom door right as he fell out :o) The assistant has Haven on the bed trying to break and peel off his water bag. I was facing away from the bed, so I never got to see it, but she said it was actually really neat. She said Haven was just in there with his eyes open looking around. He wasn't actually in any distress yet, and she was able to break it in about 30 seconds. Meanwhile, Susie, the midwife, is taking care of me, getting the cord tied off and getting me back on the bed. It was very exciting and definitely the easiest "pushing" stage ever.

Everyone was fine and soon after, my aunt and other sister arrived. There's always such a rush of adrenaline after I have a baby. Being at home is wonderful. As it was around 9pm, Glen went and got the kids in bed and laid down on the couch in the living room while my aunt, my two sisters, the midwife and her assistant, and me were all back in the bedroom laughing, taking care of post-baby stuff, recounting the amazing birth, and just having a great time.

I can't wait to do it again :o)

So...

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby...

We sure do love you!