Should I write it? Should I not?
It's not like I'm really "over it," so what do I say?
Ultimately it's a very big part of my life right now and my will always be part of my story with Everly. Yeah, the blog is public and all, but it's also my mini-diary, so I need to tell it. For my sake.
...cue the tears. Again.
Everly doesn't nurse. There. I said it. I, who have nursed all seven of my other children, and nursed two of them well into toddler-hood now have a formula fed baby. Judge me. I'd say I don't care, but I do. A lot. A whole lot.
I've spent hours at night alternating between shaking my fist at God and then curling up into a ball of tears crying, "Papa, why? Why won't you fix this?" I never knew it would be this hard. This emotional. Sometimes I have felt almost bi-polar or something. I have swung between being able to trust the Lord in it and being peaceful (albeit still very sad) to being very emotional. I think I cried through worship at church for a good 10 weeks straight. At least. Even now it takes me about 30 seconds to be in tears if I really let myself go. I can mostly talk about it pretty matter-of-fact but it doesn't take much for me to let myself "go there" and have to fight back the tears. Mostly I am okay now. But it's pretty much because I'm just kind of numb.
Glen has been nice, he's been understanding. But he doesn't get it. He's a guy. I guess I can't blame him.
My other difficulty is that I'm not settled in how to view the situation. Should I view it as satan trying to steal something from me? Should I have prayed "against it" more? Or do I believe that for some reason I may never know she didn't need to nurse. That for some reason it was better for her to have formula. Glen has celiac, all of our kids have gluten sensitivity. But I eat gluten. Maybe it would have caused a huge problem for her and it's the Lord being merciful and protecting her. (Cue the guilt in that situation.) Maybe with our family dynamics right now (busy with a very wide range of ages and things going on) the Lord knew she would be just fine with formula and in this season I needed to be able to leave her at home for some reason. Maybe she is being protected from something. I.don't.know. And right now He isn't telling me (um, I might have a few issues with that too....)