the baby that couldn't nurse and what happened to her mom ~

I've been thinking about this post for awhile.

Should I write it?  Should I not?
It's not like I'm really "over it," so what do I say?

Ultimately it's a very big part of my life right now and my will always be part of my story with Everly.  Yeah, the blog is public and all, but it's also my mini-diary, so I need to tell it.  For my sake.

...cue the tears.  Again.

Everly doesn't nurse.  There.  I said it.  I, who have nursed all seven of my other children, and nursed two of them well into toddler-hood now have a formula fed baby.  Judge me.  I'd say I don't care, but I do.  A lot.  A whole lot.

I've spent hours at night alternating between shaking my fist at God and then curling up into a ball of tears crying, "Papa, why? Why won't you fix this?"  I never knew it would be this hard.  This emotional.  Sometimes I have felt almost bi-polar or something.  I have swung between being able to trust the Lord in it and being peaceful (albeit still very sad) to being very emotional.  I think I cried through worship at church for a good 10 weeks straight.  At least.  Even now it takes me about 30 seconds to be in tears if I really let myself go.  I can mostly talk about it pretty matter-of-fact but it doesn't take much for me to let myself "go there" and have to fight back the tears.  Mostly I am okay now.  But it's pretty much because I'm just kind of numb.

Glen has been nice, he's been understanding.  But he doesn't get it.  He's a guy.  I guess I can't blame him.

I feel like I have failed my daughter.  

When I listen to the lies of the enemy I hear things like:

"She doesn't need you."

"She doesn't even want you."

"If she gets sick it's all your fault."

"If she isn't as smart as the other kids it's all your fault."

"You shouldn't have been so prideful about nursing your other kids."

"If you had only, if you had only, if you had only..."

Sure, I can tell myself they are lies.  And they are.  They are not.true.  I know that in my heart of hearts.  But it's still super hard to ignore them.  When you go to nurse your daughter and all she does is get really mad and scream it's really hard to not listen to those malicious whispers.  When you read all those studies about how good nursing is and how evil formula is it's really hard to not wonder if maybe, just maybe she wouldn't have that stuffy nose.  It sucks.  Bad.

Part of my problem lies in guilt.  Should I have tried harder?  Should I have tried longer?  Should I not have tried to wean her from using the shield? (She would nurse from a shield the first few weeks.)  Maybe she really is tongue tied and if I'd just taken her to the doctor it never would have been a problem.  Should I have kept the pump I rented longer?  Should I have been willing to sacrifice several hours of every day to pump?

My other difficulty is that I'm not settled in how to view the situation.  Should I view it as satan trying to steal something from me?  Should I have prayed "against it" more?  Or do I believe that for some reason I may never know she didn't need to nurse.  That for some reason it was better for her to have formula.  Glen has celiac, all of our kids have gluten sensitivity.  But I eat gluten.  Maybe it would have caused a huge problem for her and it's the Lord being merciful and protecting her.  (Cue the guilt in that situation.)  Maybe with our family dynamics right now (busy with a very wide range of ages and things going on) the Lord knew she would be just fine with formula and in this season I needed to be able to leave her at home for some reason.  Maybe she is being protected from something.  I.don't.know.  And right now He isn't telling me (um, I might have a few issues with that too....) 

So, how I'm dealing:  Ultimately I'm just trusting God.  It's all I can do.  I can't figure out why (I have my theories; ultimately I think she has a significant tongue tie so even though she can nurse and did for a few weeks it's very hard for her and she learned to prefer a bottle) and it doesn't seem that I can change it.  I still have milk.  I still try occasionally.  I'm hoping maybe one day as she gets older she'll just decide it isn't so bad.  

And mostly I'm believing that if Jesus could turn water into wine, and the Giver of Good Gifts won't give his children a stone when they ask for bread, that he absolutely can turn that formula into the perfect food for her.  He can make it good.  And He is good.  This I know to be true.  So it's okay.  I'm going to be okay.  She's going to be okay.  And it's okay for me to be sad.  I will probably always be sad.  But there is not a day that goes by that I wish I could just go back and start over.  

So if you see me giving my baby a bottle, or the next time you see a mom giving her baby a bottle; don't judge and don't make assumptions.  Just give her a big smile and pray she doesn't turn into a puddle of tears.  

:)

...and for anyone interested in the details, I'm going to detail it all out right here so if for some reason I ever need to remember the progression of things that led down this path I'll have it all written down.

journal: october 2008

Because I know you've all been holding your breath...

October found me off bedrest, thank you, Lord! For the first couple of weeks I was only supposed to do "light activities" which is extremely hard to define, especially when you're taking care of and homeschooling six children. Gee whiz.

"How important *is* this dirty diaper? Hmmm, no one is around, which means I'll have to lift Haven, is it worth it?"

"Do I let the trash overflow, or go ahead and lift it out? It's too heavy for Caleb to lift out of the can, and Glen won't be home for six hours. Fruit flies...hmmmm."

"I'm thinking a bath at 8:30am and naptime at 9 definitely falls into the light activities category."

"Dinner? Definitely *not* a light activity."

"Mopping? Are you serious? At least the sticky floors slow the kids down."

All joking aside, I am so thankful that everything turned out fine. It was a very intense six weeks, though.

Midway through the light activities phase, I was having some pretty noticeable cramping, which I really thought was probably an irritable uterus due to being pregnant for over half my adult life, but thought I probably should have checked out. (Plus I wanted to get another peek to see if "she" had grown any boys parts.) I went in, my assumption was correct, their first girl assessment was correct (yay!), and I was released to normal activity since the hemorrhage was completely gone! Glen promptly planned the camping trip.

I have got to do better with writing down what I do every day. I used to keep up with this so well, but since I switched my calendar, grocery list, meal planning, etc. to my palm program instead of a paper planner, my daily event journaling has gone down the drain. I think I'm going to pick up a little planner so I can keep up with this better. I don't hardly remember anything except highlights.

I remember Haven had a horrible diaper rash. I finally figured out he just needed good old zinc oxide, but this took me a good four days of trying other more natural methods. Sometimes I think I just need to stick with what works. We were finally able to go to church again, which was great. I was am tired all the time, and a 9 am naptime has pretty much become the norm. This is always the norm when I'm pregnant. The big kids are allowed to have quiet time, so they don't really care when it happens, and the little kids get up early enough that they are ready for a nap at 9, so it works for us. Glen sold a couple of trailers, and a bobcat, so we used some of that money to buy a pop up camper. Going to get it was an event, and it was one of those God things. The entire day worked out perfectly, literally to the minute, and they were a fun Christian couple with four kids who hit it off fabulously with our kids. We stayed at their house just visiting until after 10pm. They said they had been praying for it to end up with the perfect family, and after camping in it for four days, I have to say it *is* perfect for us. I'm going to write about camping later, though. We were finally able to get back into our weekly routine of the kids taking turns with me to do errands. This usually gives us almost an entire day together, one on one, and we all missed it. Glen and I were also able to have a date night, which was free thanks to a gift card from our sweet neighbors to a very nice Mexican place, and a Cheerios rebate gift card to the movies. I was also able to have a night out to dinner and dessert with my sisters. Our "pet" skunk finally met its end. It was becoming too close for comfort, too bold, and we realized it had a mate. We most definitely did not want baby skunks. Just a helpful hint: shooting a skunk *does* stink. It's a good thing it was right before we left for camping. The smell was gone when we returned.

I'm not feeling sick anymore at all, which is great. This really confirmed to me it was probably a girl as with my boys I stay pretty sick until 16 or 17 weeks, so when I hit 12 this time and I felt better pretty much overnight, I realized it probably *is* a girl as I didn't feel sick nearly as long with my girls. I don't think this is how it is for everyone, it's just how it's been for me. I am still tired, more like exhausted, and my body is pretty much just sore all the time, and I have a lot of cramping and braxton hicks which is pretty normal for a seventh pregnancy. I've also started to feel the baby move on occassion which is always sweet. My stomach literally popped out overnight (this is how it always happens for me) a week and a half ago. I go from not really looking pregnant at all, wearing normal clothes, to being obviously pregnant (as in people have no qualms about mentioning it) and wearing maternity clothes. It's always nice to actually *look* pregnant and not just fluffy :o)

Haven finally cheered up a little. He is such a sweetie and a cuddler, and always has been, but he is also very serious (has been since birth) and could be borderline grumpy. I think he went through some kind of transition in physical and cognitive development which caused him to be in one of those frustrated with life stages babies seem to go through. He's pretty much come through it, though, which makes life easier. He also got in four teeth. My kids get teeth in masse, and Haven has had a particularly hard time with them.

October and November are always the invasion of the ladybugs. Once the weather turns cooler, on the warmer days (which we have a lot of here), the ladybugs come out. Cute, you say? Uh uh. No way. One ladybug, maybe. Hundreds...gross. Nasty. Awful. Thankfully, we only get them in two locations of our house, some people get them all over. They stink. Bad.

The last weekend of the month found us with a problem we encounter every year. The great birthday pile up. Anna's birthday always falls during our vacation week, and then when we return it's time for school to start. Then the end of September is Moriah and Glen's birthdays. For some reason, every year, life is such that their parties get put off. Last year, we didn't celebrate them until like February. This year we finally got around to it in October. I'm embarassed to admit it, but we hadn't yet had Noah's family party either. So we celebrated Noah, my grandmother, my sister Dyana, my sister Kristen, Anna, Glen, and Moriah's birthdays. And this was just my side of the family. Talk about cake and presents! Sheesh. Anna had a gluten free cookie cake, Moriah had a chocolate regular cake, and Noah had a gluten free white cake. So I spent the morning baking, Glen and the kids spent the morning cleaning :o) Yes, even the birthday kids had to help. Gee, if I'd let them off the hook I would have lost half my cleaning crew, people. In all seriousness, if having so many kids has taught me anything, one of my biggest lessons has been letting go of my perfectionism. I have a long way to go, but I have been slapped upside the head with the reality that I really can't do it all. At least not all in the same week anyway :o)

Have I mentioned Moriah's not so much a girly girl? She is the best skateboarder in our house, hands down! She had been wanting a skateboard of her own with pads for months.

My clean living room. I couldn't resist, it's been so long. If you imagine me over there on the couch with my laptop or pile of school books and a pile of toys all over the floor you would have a more accurate picture of real life. :o)

Moriah does have a sweet spot for dogs, though, and had been wanting a pet doctor kit for awhile. That's my sister Dyana and her new baby, Addyson, peeking over her shoulder.

With a grin like that I'm surprised he doesn't get everything he wants. It's a good thing he's number five!

If he ever figures out just how cute he is, we're all in trouble. That's my sister Kristen (aka our Nanny) in the corner and her friend, Ives.

Anna's a little more subdued. All she wanted were gift cards and money. The other night she and Kristen had a sleepover and Kristen took her shopping the next day. We'll also have a girls' night out with my sisters, my aunt, Anna, and myself as one of Anna's birthday gifts. My sisters and I regularly go out together, so Anna looks forward every year to getting to go out with us.


Moriah's skateboarding dog cake.

Noah's Mickey Mouse & Pluto cake. Anna drew the Pluto, didn't she do a great job?

Anna's cookie cake.

Our beautiful October view.

Two of my guys. Aren't they handsome? I am so in love.

Happy October!

journal: august & september 2008 no soapbox, i promise~

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. For anyone that has started reading (hi!) in the recent weeks, I try and do a recap of each month at the end of the month. My August one turned into a political detour, and I never quite got around to actually doing the journal. Here it is mid-October, so I need to play catch up. The journal is my way of journaling our life around here so that I can look back when I am old(er) and remember what life was really like. I imagine at some point I'll call them the good ol' days, but for now, I'm just calling them "the days are long, the years fly by days."

So, really quick:

August - Have no idea what I did the beginning of the month other than try and get the school year planned out and wonder if I might be pregnant. After awhile, and the arrival of certain events, decided I was not pregnant. Okay. Had a kind of crazy weekend and realized I was feeling off, and wanting naps every day. Surprise, surprise. We are having another baby :o) Quickly realize vacation is coming up super fast and when I return it will be time to start school. Plus I will be far enough along to probably not be feeling so great, so I spent the following week doing massive amounts of cooking. The following week we went to Florida, and other than me being freezing cold the entire time (it was hot there, that is just a very weird pregnancy symptom I get) we had a fabulous time. Came home, finished the school room, began school just in time for me to hit the stage when dragging myself out of bed and having children that were fed and not naked was the hallmark of a successful day. During August and into September, we were also making weekly visits to the orthopaedic doctor for Anna's tendonitis, and one very busy day running around to lots of different doctors making sure Moriah's black eye wasn't anything serious.

Side note. The day after finding out we were expecting, I got in a minor car accident. All it did was slightly dent the bumper on the Suburban. (Poor teenage guy that rear ended me though, it completely crunched in the front of his shiny yellow Mustang.) I had some minor back pain for a few weeks that was taken care of easily with a few weekly visits to the chiropractor. I mention this because I have now been rear ended in three of my seven pregnancies. Every time, there has been minimal damage, and it has resulted in getting large sums of money from the other party's insurance company. God completely used this when I was pregnant with Caleb and Ethan to pay for their births (we just accepted the offered settlement and used it to pay the medical bills instead of repairing the minor damage to the car.) This time, it helped us to finally pay off the rest of our home equity line of credit that we used to help get Glen's business going, and um...well, we used it to just kind of float along, but that's another story for another day. Suffice it to say that it was just ridiculous for us to let it sit around, so we finally got ourselves together to just pay it off. Once we committed to taking care of it, it was really cool to see the Lord provide in different ways. I should also add that Glen was ready to do it a long time ago. I wasn't really against it, I just wasn't motivated to deal with it.

September - Kind of a blur. It involved a scary hemorrhage, that thankfully was not a miscarriage. That sentence is a huge understatement, but all of you know that we are so thankful the Lord protected our little one. September involved lots of laying in bed, laying on the couch, laying in the bathtub, lots of reading, and lots of LOST reruns. September and October are kind of running together in my head, but I think September was when I was on complete bedrest, and it was around the beginning of October that the hemorrhage had shrunk enough to be allowed to do light activity. During this time, I became even more aware of how blessed I am. My children were sweetly helpful, and I am so glad we had spent some time teaching them to do things that ended up highly valuable during this time. The younger kids were all able to do general clean up and putting things where they belong, Moriah and Ethan took over cleaning the table area, while Anna and Caleb took over cleaning the kitchen. Anna also took over the laundry. I am so thankful that Glen's job allows him to basically set his own hours, and that he had recently moved his office back home. I am thankful that my mother in law cares about us and our children so much and was happy to keep the younger kids two days every week. I'm thankful for my Coocal (my aunt who is really more of a mom/aunt/sister in my life) who came out to stay with us two days every week, and for my sister Kristen who spent the night every Monday night, took the kids to their homeschool group, took the two little kids to play, picked up the big kids, and brought them home every Tuesday. But mostly, I am thankful to the Father for being faithful, for providing, and for healing me and preserving our little one's life.

During Septmeber, our church finally began having a Saturday night service, which we have wanted for such a very long time. We were able to go once before I was on bedrest. We missed two weeks, but have attended the last two. We are loving it. It is small, intimate, and allows for Sunday to be a real family day and day of rest.

I guess that's about it. We didn't take a family picture during September, so the one from August down at the bottom of the page is just going to have to last for another month or so :o)

journal: july 2008

First, a couple of questions. I keep playing around with the color of the text. Is it easier to read in black (for me I like darker colors, they feel more calming and white feels harder on the eyes,) but it also seems that black on a brown background can be difficult to read. You can click on some of the {Encouragement} links on the left to see some entire posts in a lighter color.

What do you think? Obviously, it should look nice, but also be easy to read :o)

Also, I've posted a few times here close together, so if you're just now checking back, please make sure to read my last post. I would really like some more advice on how I should proceed.

July was an exceptionally busy month. I finally finished getting school planned out, and we began on a very loose basis. I spent the last week revamping our routine and job schedule. Now if I can just drag myself away from my computer and stay on top of implementing it and encouraging good attitudes, we'll be well on our way to starting our new school year well. It continually amazes me how much of the atmosphere, success, and prosperity of our home depends on me getting myself together.

The most fun news of the month was that Haven took 2cnd place in the Hutchison Baby Walker stats. I was convinced he was going to come in sixth, because at this point, he's a little...let's say top heavy :o) Moriah walked at 11 months, but everyone else is tied for 16 months. I thought I had a picture, but I guess it's all on video. I'll have to remember to put one up soon.

Along with the graduation into walker status, came the first big boy haircut. It was long overdue as he was beginning to look a little mullet-ish, but when he was freshly bathed, those little baby curls were so sweet. But seeing as how he was freshly bathed so rarely, most of the time they were just a fuzzy mess. I do this with every boy, you know. I wait to cut their hair, and then when I look back at pictures, I think, "WHAT was I thinking? He needed a haircut months ago!"

what? you don't like my mullet?

...but it's so cute...(a

that wasn't so bad...

The fourth of July found us at our dear friends, the Behans. We always go over and grill out and swim. Everyone pitches in to get some great fireworks, and the bonus is that they only live ten minutes from here!

7 July was Noah's 3rd birthday. That found us doing the Build A Bear thing.

The following week was VBS. You can read all about that crazy week here.

I've gotten out of the habit of keeping a daily record on my calendar of what we've done, so as I'm looking back now it's all a big blur. I just know we were really busy.

We did another swim day, where Caleb literally saved Moriah's life. She was practicing swimming sans floaties, and forgot they were off when she jumped back in. Although I was sitting right next to the pool, I had my back turned briefly and was holding Haven. I'm not sure how long she was floundering before Caleb noticed her. She had moved quite a distance across the pool, so I'm sure it was a fair amount of time. We remind them every time we swim to yell for help if they need help, and when I asked her about it, she said she was trying but couldn't get her head above water. She was very, very scared, and was coughing up water for a long while after that. It was very scary and a good reminder for me. I am so thankful the Lord preserved her life and that all was well. I have jumped into pools more times than I can remember, fully clothed many of those times, to rescue probably all of our older children. We had some friends whose two year old daughter died from drowning when Anna was two, so we've always tried to be very diligent at pools. It is a life changing experience to watch someone walk through the grief of losing a child, particularly when there is suddenness and guilt tied to it.

Needless to say, we're done with swim days for this summer. It's just too much for me to watch all of them safely in the pool without Glen.

As I mentioned earlier, I spent most of last week working on revamping the routine and jobs. Also getting the blog back together from where I accidentally erased the entire template!

I'm organizing meals for two friends that have just had babies, and making three meals. Our vacation is a couple weeks away, so now getting the house in order and all that together is creeping into my mind. I am praying for a better vacation than last year!

(Parenting Tip #4 - Count the cost carefully before deciding to take a two month old who loves his bed on a seven day trip to Florida!)

Last month Glen and I decided to totally redo our school room. It's been a variety of different rooms since we've lived here, and although it's officially been a "school room" for the last couple of years, the kids didn't usually do their school work in there as the little kids liked to play. So this month, Glen ordered some cabinets and shelves, so they are each going to have their own cubby-type space to do school. They will each have their own desk with two drawers, with a divider between each child. There will also be book shelves above. This all started because I desperately was needing book shelves. We have so many books that I've found myself getting duplicates because I couldn't keep track of them all. Ethan is a voracious reader, but not so good at putting them back where they should go, probably because the book organization has never been clearly defined. This should change all that. I probably won't require them to do their work there (what's the point of home schooling if you're just replicating standard school?), but they will have their own space for their stuff, and a private area to work if they would like. I am very excited! Right now, though, the room is a disaster as we've been painting.

Overall, July was one of those months that just flew by. As a side note, I did spend a good part of the month obsessing wondering if I might indeed be pregnant, but as of now, the likelihood of that being true is looking slimmer by the day. (Although there is hope! I didn't get a positive test with Haven until a couple of weeks after I was late. My nursing Noah threw things off, I think. In hindsight, maybe that's why he was two weeks late! I'm having an a ha moment.)

I'm okay with that. If I am not, then whenever we do have another baby, they will be further spaced apart than any of our children so far. I am peaceful about it, and trusting the Lord that He is in control. Glen is still fine with not being pregnant right now, but he's been telling me he "likes my viewpoint on things," we're just in an overwhelming season of life. I often tell people that 2-3 kids was the hardest season for me, and it was. I always say it gets easier, and it does. That doesn't mean that it's really easy. Totally, unequivocally worth it, but not like eating cake. Many of the moms of larger families that I find encouragement from tell me that where we are is another one of those really hard spots. Four or five is pretty easy, your older ones are getting older, but four is still pretty manageable logistically wise. Five was our easiest transition so far. Almost every Mom of more than six that I know says that six was really, really hard. Although our older ones are even older, something about life just exponentially multiplies when you get to six. There's just so much adjusting and so much more life (i.e. laundry, food, groceries, school, etc.) that even with their help it feels a lot like treading water. I've heard the transition to seven is a breeze :o)

On the weight loss front, I'm up to about 20 pounds lost! Whoo hoo! What a difference in attitude and energy that makes.

Also, if you would say a quick (or not so quick!) prayer for me. Once again I am fighting off pneumonia. I've lived with asthma for so long now, that I can just tell. It starts off with an allergy attack, barely noticeable the first day. The next day, my head is miserable. The following day, my head is fine, but my chest is full of pressure and I have pain in my chest and back. Thankfully, I've only been hospitalized once (last year when I was pregnant with Haven,) but it puts a lot on Glen. You know how it is when Mom is sick. Dads are great, but they just keep up with the bare minimum: kids fed, dishes in the dishwasher, clean underwear. It takes like a week to catch up! Glen is great, and actually does more than this, but his office is at home, so it's a lot for him to balance Daddy hat and boss hat. I'm seeing the bright side in that it allows me to sit at my computer all day without feeling guilty :o) Anyway, I'm in day two of the chest/back pain part, and am trusting the Father that I will be healed quickly! I can walk and talk (when I'm really sick, I literally cannot walk even a few steps without feeling as if I'm about to die, and I can only say a few words at a time without making a major effort to breathe), so the Lord is gracious!

To end, this is our current family photo. We've had a tradition for several years now, that one Sunday morning a month, Glen sets up the tripod and we take a family photo before church. It is time well spent, and in reality, only takes maybe five minutes. We always make a sign with the date, but in this photo the writing is not visible. It is lots of fun to look at them all together and see the gradual changes. I highly encourage everyone to do it!

May your August be blessed!

journal: june 2008~

I'm going to try and remember to start doing a monthly recap journal of sorts for myself. I'm going to write it more "journal type," directed toward myself, so I can have somewhat of a record to look back on. Just giving everyone a head's up because I'm thinking it will be written in somewhat of a different format.

It will give you guys a peek into our lives on more of an overall scale, and I'm glad to share, but it's really just for my own benefit :o)

June 2008

June has found us decompressing from the school year. Although the plan is to "school year round", it is set up in such a way as to allow for long stretches of time "off" when needed in order to regroup, refocus, catch up, and plan.

As June began, I began to see the need for one of these "vacations" (it's the time of year for that anyway...great weather!), so I decided to take the month off. As it is looking more and more like we are just going to be home for next year with no outside tutorials or anything, I am putting a lot of focus, thought, and prayer into planning our new year. I've made lists of what I want each child to focus on this year, and how many days per week I want to spend on it.

The main marker for our decision regarding a tutorial was that if the kids got in, we would take that as a sign that they were supposed to go. Well, they all got in except Caleb. He's on the waiting list. I am still unsure whether to take that as a sign that we stay home, or wait and see if he does get in. I'm leaning toward staying home, but we'll see. Even if they do go, it's once a week, and it's more of a fun day with learning incorporated, so we'll still be doing our "school" completely at home.

I spent a long time deciding on a Science curriculum, and chose Apologia's Exploring Creation with Astronomy. The book and supply kit arrived, and everyone seems very excited to dive into it. I plan to do Science two days per week, and I really hope to be able to do it in the evenings when Dad can either join in, or otherwise occupy the little kids.

I also decided to switch Anna's math. Again. I feel kind of stupid doing this, like I didn't stick with something I started, but Saxon has been tedious for her, as she "gets" math pretty well. She does still need quite a bit of practice on not making silly mistakes. She gets concepts beyond her grade level, but she overlooks the important details in working out the problems. It's great to be able to understand percentages and such, but if you can't do the multiplication right, well...that's a problem. She can do it, she just goes too fast. Anyway, I decided on Teaching Textbooks 7. I've had several people recommend it to me (I should have listened back when I switched to Saxon!), but I'd not seen it or heard about, so I was not familiar with it. While pricey, it looks to be great. She and I are both excited about it. It was designed especially for homeschoolers, and she should be able to do math completely independantly. It has teaching dvds that kids seem to love (according to reviews, even unsolicited ones) and presents things in more of a conversation tone, as opposed to "public school textbook" teaching format.

I am in the middle of writing/putting together an American History curriculum/unit study. American History from a Christian perspective is my passion. (I won the American Studies Award of Excellence the one year I attended public high school.) I plan to spend at least two years studying it. I probably shouldn't say that I'm writing it, I'm more pulling a study together from different resources. I am planning to use the children's books by Peter Marshall & David Manuel (The Light and the Glory, From Sea to Shining Sea, and Sounding Forth the Trumpet) as the spine, and add in other stuff as I find it. I'm planning out a chapter or so at a time. I plan to also spend time just learning about time periods and what life was like. Colonialism, exploration, pioneer, civil war era, etc.) I am really, really excited about it! I love history and I so hope my kids "get it" earlier than high school.

I am getting Haven into a schedule that seems to work pretty good for our routine. Up at 8, nap from 10-12. Lunch. Play. Nap from 2-4. During the 2-4 stretch is everyone else's nap/quiet time. I'm still in the process of figuring out how I want to plan the rest of the day in regards to the other kids and school.

I've gotton the computer back out, and I'm about to put it away again, save for school work. It just causes too many problems. I'm going to give it another week or so, implemented with our new "privilege ladder" system, and if attitudes don't change, away it goes.

The ladder system has been made, and it sitting on my desk waiting to be introduced. I got the idea from a momys, found a little more info on another mom's blog, tweaked it to suit our family, and hope to implement it next week. It's basically a chart of sorts with their privileges & fun stuff listed in order. When they do something to move them down the ladder, the first privilege they lose is a computer turn...and so forth from there. The last privilege to lose is "Kristen Day" which is when my awesome sister takes them out for a fun day. They almost always do something fabulously fun, like going to the sprinklers at the Bicentennial Mall (if they would get them working this year, they've tried to go five times now I think), the Adventure Science Center, the Zoo, to visit our other sister and her new baby, etc. I am hopeful about it, and hope it's not just another one of those ideas that I try and toss.

I've also spent a great deal of time refreshing myself in the Directing Vision Daily (Love & Logic) philosophy. I'm trying to figure out how to meld that (which I think is fabulous!) with training, the ladder system. I think there's a balance and I've got to figure out what that looks like for our family.

I feel like I've made some progress in my general outlook on life. I've pretty firmly decided I'm in the camp of letting the Lord plan our family completely, and I know I want another baby. Having made that decision consciously to accept that my life is full of mothering, washing, cleaning, teaching, etc. has helped my attitude and outlook quite a bit. Before I almost felt as if I was fighting against something. This is kind of hard to explain. Let's just say I feel a lot more settled.

Another large part of my improved mood is that I've lost 15 pounds! I've cut out almost all carbs and sugar over the last six weeks, and I am amazed at what a difference it makes. BeforeI was one of those people that "lives to eat", and gaining some self control over this area has helped so much! I am loosely doing Atkins, but it doesn't feel super healthy (not as many fruits and veggies as I think would be good), but as I've cut out almost all refined flour and sugar, there are health benefits. As I increase my carbs gradually, while still maintaining steady weight loss, I need to make sure those are "good" carbs from fruits and veggies. I definitely feel better about myself. It feels gross to have an area of your life you feel like a failure at. I've been miserable about my body for pretty much the last nine years (since Anna was born), and it feels great to have finally decided to do something about it. When I got married, I weighed 103 pounds. I gained exactly 30 pounds with Anna, and never really lost them. I lose a little weight at the beginning of each pregnancy, and then gain some, but after every baby I hit about 135 and just stay there. Okay for someone my height and build, but after being so small in high school, it was very depressing for me. I was consciously aware of it and didn't like the way I looked at all. Last year when I had pneumonia and lost a bunch of weight (not eating practically anything for three weeks will do that to you!). I got so many compliments it was ridiculous. I couldn't really take credit as I'd just been sick. I quickly went back to my regular size after Haven was born. The last few months saw the scale getting precariously close to 140, so I decided to take action. I am now down to about 123, and can definitely feel my clothes fit better. My mood is much improved. Glen is convinced I made the change since I started mowing, he said I needed more outside time and that being outside is good for me...I agree.

The kids all got their hair cut. Anna's was several inches below her shoulders and now it is chin length. Caleb lost the shag and is practically buzzed. Ethan is the same, and Moriah just got a general shoulder length cut. Glen is in charge of bath time and had started complaining it was too hard to wash, so we got it cut some. Noah just got a regular cut as he had started looking pretty shaggy. Haven has these super cute baby curls that I just can't bear to cut off yet.

Glen and I had our 11th anniversary. We went for a two night trip. We stayed at the West Baden Springs Hotel (old, restored, and very nice) and tried to go to Holiday World. When we arrived it was raining, so we headed home. We spent eight hours in the car and lots of gas to essentially stay in a hotel, but I love car trips (uniterruted time with Glen!) and we had a good book on tape, so I quite enjoyed it. We stayed at Opryland the second night as Kristen got us a room overlooking the cascades for $50, and spent Friday night at an adults' only party with a lot of our old high school friends. We all see each fairly regularly, but to get together without kids was obviously totally different. Between just three of the couples we have 14 kids, plus the other couples' kids too, so there would have been a lot of kids.

The hard thing of the month has been the birth control issue. I had my first cycle return on Haven's first birthday (ironic, huh?), so we had to face the issue. I could write a lot about this, but I don't really want to. The Lord has been talking to me about several things in this situation. The most important relationally wise, is that I need to honor my husband. Although I might have different beliefs and convictions than he does, it is the Lord's job to change him, not mine. The other thing He has been talking to me about, though, is that I feel as if I've made the decision to be "quiverfull" (google it). That basically means letting the Lord plan your family the way He desires. Whether that be a baby every year, or whether that means none. It actually can be either one or anywhere in between. It's trusting Him to create Your family as He desires. I get the other side. The "he gives us a brain", "we have free will", "He cares about what we want", etc. I really do. But for me, I choose to say "God, I want my family to look like what it would like if You plan it completely Yourself. I want you to make it exactly like You want." Giving Him total control and trusting Him implicitly. My thoughts are that as Christians, we say we trust God. We say we have given our lives to God. We say He is in contol of our life. So why do the majority of Christians withhold this area from Him? Just a question. I will say that being on momys, I know lots of quiverfull women. It is amazing for me to see how God has truly "planned" their families. I know stories of husbands and wives that are trusting God in this area, but that feel overwhelmed and tired. They ask God for a break, and He gives one. There is no explanation why a woman who has had a baby a year for 5,6,7,8, etc years suddently having a three year break, other than when they are trusting Him, He cares about what they want too. Then there are the other stories, women that feel tired, etc. and they don't have a break, for whatever reason. But our Christian walk is about being Christ-like, and for me, I know of nothing, bar none, that strips away my selfishness more than my children. Since this has been a hard thing, Glen and I are obviously not in complete agreement on it. He loves children, He loves our children, and since he is completely commited to being a godly father, he pours an overwhelming amount of time into our children. I realize that having another baby involves a great deal from him as well. Right now we're kind of agreeing to disagree :o) I am honoring his desire to at least wait for now, and he is really taking first of all, my convictions, but also my feelings of just plain wanting another baby into consideration. He is such a great guy. It is a sensitive subject, though. Glen and I have been blessed with so much unity in every area of our life, that it is really hard on both of us to feel this breach.

I still spent too much time on the computer this month. Ugghh. If I need to gain self control in any area, this is it. I will say I've gotton better, but I still spend entirely too much time on it. I had too many days this month where I pretty much let the kids go crazy have a free day so that I could do what I wanted. A lot of it was spent looking and deciding on school stuff, but I need to do better at this.

Well, I definitely don't want to end on that. Oh yeah, one other thing. I just started it yesterday, so technically it can count for June :o) I actually set my alarm clock to get up early and spend time with the Lord. I am going through Homeschooling With a Meek and Quiet Spirit. It's actually a devotional and gets into scripture a lot. I am enjoying it as it's starting out with a foundation of what we gain from spending time with the Lord and making that a priority as a homeschooling Mom. Our success and encouragement flows out of our relationship with Him. While I feel I am in constant communion with Him always and have a very intimate relationship, I know I also need to spend time learning more of the part of Him that He reveals through His written Word.

In that same vein, this year we are doing a lot more Bible Study in our homeschooling. Thankfully, the kids all love Bible Time, and I am excited about this too. Very much so.

Glen finished up Where the Red Fern Grows, and I read Adam and His Kin to the kids.