on submission and perspective~

This post has been on my heart to write for a very long time.  I've not completely felt it is the proper time to write it, but mostly I have put it off because I've not been sure how to approach it without sounding prideful.  The best I can offer is just to say that in no way is it coming from a prideful place.  I have not arrived; and in no way, shape, form, or fashion do I believe myself to have "gotten it."  I am only sharing because I have felt like I should, but also because I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to view life this way as I feel like it is truly what helps me to survive the craziness that is my life  :)

I often get asked by people "how" I do "it."  Whatever "it" is.  The more I've thought about that question over the years, the more I've realized it really comes down to submission and perspective.

The way I see it, we are created to glorify God.  In whatever station of life we find ourselves in.  My place in life is that of a wife and of a mother.  These are the primary vehicles that God uses to bring about sanctification in my life.  I think a lot of people's frustration in life comes from an internal struggle they've got going on in regards to what their life currently looks like.  Whether it's a man that feels like he deserves more and is under-valued and under-appreciated, or whether it's a woman that is frustrated because she wants to do more with her life than just wipe bottoms and noses all day long.

The truth is that you are where you are in life for a reason.  Now, you may be smack in the middle of where God wants you to be and what His plan is for you, or you may be suffering the consequences of poor decisions; but in both situations, if you are a believer, you can trust that the Lord has promised to be with you and work all things out for your good.  You either believe that or you don't.  And you can then choose to see God's hand in your situation and trust that He is working.

So for me, this comes down to my viewing my life and the daily processes of it (chores, homeschooling, mothering little ones, etc.) as my service to God.  That sounds quite dry and stuffy, but I believe there is genuine joy and peace that can be found when one is living his or her life according to God's will.  Even when His will may not currently look like what you'd prefer.  In  nutshell, when I am frustrated, or angry, or overwhelmed I choose to see it as what God is using at that very moment to fashion me more fully into the image of Jesus.  It really does make things easier.  Making peace with your life comes down to being willing to submit to what God is calling you to and choosing to be content with where He has you.  I've just always been able to see the difficulties and frustrations in my life not as injustices done "to" me, but as God, in His mercy, using the difficult things to peel away selfishness.

Easier said than done.  I know.

This year has been hard.  I thrive on structure and routine.  Grace, so far, apparently does not.  So for the past 11 months every. single. day. has been a fly by the seat of your pants kind of day, and that is very, very hard for me.  I have often joked that naptime is priority #1 around here, but when you have a baby that absolutely resists settling into a predictable naptime, that causes an internal crisis.  So I've had a choice.  Every day.  I can get frustrated and angry (and many days I do!) or I can choose to see it as the Lord teaching me things.  One, that I am not in control, and that* that* really is okay.  That I need to be nice, even when my day doesn't go as I'd like it to.  (And I think I may have had five of those "good days" in the past year!)  That I can trust Him with my kids education (since I firmly believe we are supposed to be homeschooling) even when we're having a not quite ideal year.  And maybe, that I shouldn't joke that naps are priority #1 when He should be  :)

I've always had babies that napped well.  Even though I've never had particularly good night sleepers, I've been okay with that as they've been excellent nappers.  Over the years I've come to depend on naps.  So maybe that's been the problem.  Maybe that's why this year I'm getting to learn that it is God that strengthens and equips me and not my "quiet time."  Grace has been a "you better nurse me to sleep and make sure I'm totally out of it before you lay me down" kind of baby.  Which I'm not used to.  We've trained our babies to lay down at a certain time, even fully awake, and be able to go to sleep easily without crying.  It is highly irritating to lay a baby down time after time after time and have her repeatedly wake back up and cry.  So for the past year,  I've had literally hundreds of opportunities to practice patience, joy in the midst of thwarted plans, kindness when tired, gentleness when I'm ready for "me" time, and self control when I'm ready to lose it.

What all this has looked  like for me recently is that every single time over the past months when I've gone to lay Grace down and she's woke up AGAIN I've had a choice; get frustrated and question God as to why He can't just make her sleep already (after all, I have all these other children that He's given me that I need to take care of) or I can view it through the lens of Him allowing her to be that way and trust that He is using that to get rid of more junk in me.  Did he make her that way?  I don't know.  I don't think so.  But I believe that He's using the difficult parts of my life to carve away (and it does feel like carving) more selfishness from me.  And that perspective makes all the difference.  It's all about submission to what He wants to do in me.  I can fight it and be miserable and question His goodness, or I can trust Him.  A long time ago I told God I would follow Him.  He could have me and that I wanted Him to help me live my life worthy of Him.  And that means I have to be willing to let Him work in me.  

Grace is finally settling down.  She has learned for the most part to fall asleep on her own, and she is beginning to settle into a routine-ish naptime.  There's still a window there, between 10:30 and 1, and I never know when she'll suddenly start rubbing her eyes and I'll have to announce, "Okay, everybody eat your lunch NOW!!  Grace is ready for her nap!"  But it's becoming a little more predictable.  Finally.

But God must have started phase 2.  What I'm beginning to see is the intense phase.  I have a title for it.  It's called Learning to Live With A Hormonal Adolescent That Is Smart Enough To Point Out To You That You Are Guilty of the Same Things You Tell Her Not To Do.  Alternately titled Getting Rid of Hypocrisy In Your Life.  You think I'm joking.  I'm not.  Pray for me.  Really hard.  My Mom and I approached every day as a battle and it is a struggle for me to not replicate this between Anna and myself.    This is the part where I choose to believe what God told me early on that my mothering is covered in His grace.  (Which was a big enough deal for me to title my blog after.)  But still.  Pray for me.

I'm not perfect in walking out this perspective.  I spent a good bit of time questioning Him early on.  After all, this is the first year I've not had a day "off" every week.  Couldn't He have at least given me an easy baby when I'm already getting used to being with my kids all day, every day?  Doesn't He see that I've allowed Him to give us the children He desires and that I've sacrificed my life to homeschool them?  Doesn't He remember that I didn't grow up with a good model of how to really love my children and every day is a battle for me?  Doesn't He remember that He gave me this introvert personality, desperately in need of alone time and a quiet enviornment?  Doesn't He see?

Of course He sees.  I know that.  He reminds me that He made my love language quality time and He has shown up every single second of every single day when I've looked for Him.  Every. Single. Time.  He  has let me know that He is always, always with me.  He's taught me how to feel His presence and hear His voice.  I can trust Him because I know He's there.  And that He loves me, and that He only has good plans and desires for me.  That He is the giver of GOOD gifts.


This is not all cupcakes and roses.  It's hard and it's not usually fun.  For sure there is a peace in it, but it's not always pleasant.  Again, it comes back to submission and perspective.  All those days when I was questioning why He couldn't just make her sleep already, when I would start grumbling and complaining (at Him!)  you know what He told me?  Philippians 2:12-15.


"...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.


Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."

It felt just like when I cut off my children when they're arguing.  He wouldn't even let me talk  :)  Here I am, lying in bed, having been woken out of deep sleep by a growing wail coming from the closet.  "God, no.  Please.  Just make her go back to sleep.  I'm so tired.  Why can't you just make her sleep well.  I need you to....."   And just like that, those verses would pop into my head.  Repeatedly.   Ugh  :)

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."  ~Galatians 2:20


Crucifixion.  Not pleasant.  But necessary if we are to follow Christ.  I want Him.  He died for me.  The least I can do for Him is to allow Him to work in me by using a fussy baby or a hormonal daughter.  The least.  I owe Him my life. And I love Him.  Because He loved me.


That about sums it up.  

the three month funk(dealing with postpartum depression and thoughts on living a surrendered life)~

It hits me every time. Like a train. Even though I know it's coming. I hesitate to even write about it this time as this past year one of my closest friends walked through the worst postpartum depression I've ever witnessed. I've only read about cases that were that severe. And in no way am I passing judgment, I mention it because I never realized how utterly horrific it can be for some women.

But I do want to mention it for several reasons. So I can look back next time and maybe remember and get some perspective when I'm in the middle of it again, so I can remember and encourage my girls if they go through it one day, so other women can know they are not alone and hopefully be encouraged.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to approach it from a laid-back, "that's just life, no big deal now that I am (hopefully) coming out of it" perspective or from a little more serious perspective, but as I'm writing, I'm feeling the need to be a little more sober about it. Because it's really hard if you are someone that goes through it. And again, I cringe to even really make comparisons after my friend struggled horribly for months. Compared to what she went through, my experience is a walk in the park, but after asking numerous friends over the years, I've found that while it's nothing compared to severe ppd, it is quite a bit worse than any of my friends seem to experience, so I want to provide another place women can maybe find some help and encouragement.

I would like to say it's gotten some better with each baby, knowing now to watch for it. Having the perspective that it will pass does help some, but when you're in the middle of feeling depressed, even that knowledge is truthfully, not that comforting. So even though since the second baby I've known to watch for it, and been able to know it's coming and been able to identify it and even forewarn Glen, once it hits, it's really hard for me until it passes.

Women are always warned to watch for signs of ppd (postpartum depression) after a birth. Being overly emotional and weepy at first is normal. I've never actually had much of that. Maybe a little, but generally the first two months after giving birth are a really sweet, and usually easy time for me. But when my babies hit between three and four months my hormones shift, and with it often comes our babies' difficult stage. I don't know why it is, but generally the three month age is the hardest I have with my babies. I don't know if they sense something going on with me, if my milk changes due to such drastic hormone changes, or really what it is, but most of our babies have napping and tummy troubles during that month which only compounds my sense of being overwhelmed and stressed. (And just to have a record of it somewhere, this time around I have learned that my being overly stressed, preoccupied, and busy due to external circumstances (van shopping and several out of town trips) makes my babies highly agitated and unable to be easily comforted and settled. Meaning screaming most evenings and any time she was tired, virtually unable to be comforted. As soon as this was past and we were able to be home and just living "normal" life she immediately calmed down. And I also discovered, after much trial and error, that orange juice was giving her horrible, horrible tummy pains. Once I cut out the orange juice she has had virtually no tummy problems at all.)

So I did some research this time. Even though no one close to me has ever said they have a similar experience, I have heard from a few different places online that this happens to other women around the same time. What I learned has been so valuable this time around. I learned that when a woman is pregnant her progesterone production goes into maximum overdrive, producing up to 400mg of progesterone a day toward the end of pregnancy. Then, she gives birth, and since her ovaries are still dormant there is minimal to zero progesterone being produced. For awhile there are enough stores in her body to swing along for awhile, three to four months usually, and then, especially if she is nursing and her ovaries are still dormant, there is suddenly a huge progesterone deficiency and for some women this triggers depression. It's also what triggers postpartum hair loss. From my reading it sounds like quite a bit of even regular depression in women can be at least somewhat attributed to estrogen dominance and too little progesterone.

So what does that mean? I identified a very possible sounding cause and wanted to try and help myself this time. So I did some more research and found that a proper estrogen/progesterone balance can help women with a whole host of reproductive/women related issues; it can help women that have trouble sustaining a pregnancy due to an insufficient amount of progesterone, it can help with pms, it can help with postpartum depression, it can help with regular depression, and it can help peri- and post-menopausal women. Obviously I am not a doctor, but I would encourage any women that feels they may benefit from this knowledge to first research it for herself and then talk with your doctor.

So I went to Whole Foods and got some natural progesterone cream. (Make sure you get some that is not soy based as that can just compound any estrogen dominance. Do some research as well on what is good to get.) I got a pre-measured pump kind just so that I'd make sure to use the correct amount. It has been the difference in night and day. I had felt myself getting bad, and let it get really bad for a couple of weeks, so I know it's not just that my experience was different this time. It made a literal difference overnight. I at first hesitated to attribute it to the cream as I started it on a Thursday and Fridays just tend to be better since I know the weekend is coming. But almost three weeks have now passed and I can say it has been and continues to be a life saver. Although it does help within a day, it does seem that building up my levels was gradual. Every day was better, but this week I finally feel really normal. Possibly even extra better :o) I use it twice a day. Normally you would use it three weeks on, one week off, but since I am nursing and not needing to ovulate, I need to find out if I should also take a break for a week or not.

I anticipated it being rough this time. Ever since Caleb was born I've had someone, either my mother in law or my sister, that has kept my kids for me one day a week. For the past two years it's often been both. My mother in law would keep the little kids one day giving me a day with the big kids for cleaning, school, etc. and my sister has kept some or all and taken them out to do something fun. (Now you all know my secret :o) I freely admit it makes a huge difference knowing I have that break coming every week. For almost a year now, it's been sporadic with my mother in law as she's had her parents and then her mother in law living with them and having to provide pretty much round-the-clock care, but my sister was very consistent. Until she went to Romania to do a DTS. For six months. Right when Grace turned three months old. So right when I anticipated the depression hitting, I went from having a weekly break for eight years to having one of my closest friends leave for six months and having no regular all-day break from the kids whatsoever. (Well, other than Glen, who is a huge help. But you know what I mean.) Even their one day a week home school group was out for the summer. I had briefly entertained the idea of (gasp!) a mother's day out program in the fall, but I know for me, for our family, that is not what God wants me to do, so I'm not. I know it's all part of the process of Him continuing to work in me more of Himself and work out of me more of my self-centeredness. You know, that whole refining part of following Jesus that we like to conveniently try and get out of. So for me this is not an option.

But you know, God has been gracious, and even making this transition in the middle of dealing with ppd has been relatively easy. The depression has not been easy, but just being home daily with all the kids without a weekly "break" has been good. In all honesty, it's something I've known I need to do for a very long time. I know I've talked some on here about my process of learning to like to be at home. For me, especially in my early years of having children, always being on the go, always being busy, always having somewhere I could send my kids instead of having to deal with them, allowed me to not have to face a good bit of selfishness, laziness, and just plain junk in me that needed to be dealt with. And even though facing my stuff and my self-centeredness is not fun, nor is it easy, it is what we are called as Christ-followers to do. And I want to live a surrendered life, I want to become more like Him, so I'm pressing in. And I'm finding even in the difficulty, it is such a sweet place to be.

i'm no super mom~

I think the most heard comment I get from people when they find out I am a mom of seven, is the classic, "How do you it?" Or some variation thereof. My answer is always, always "By the grace of God." Which sounds like a really pat answer, and I usually try and elaborate a little, but I know myself too well to take any shred of glory for myself. I cling to Him. There is nothing in me, it is all Him.

Here is the best concise answer I've ever heard. And let me just say, the beginning was like a time warp :o)

(Thanks to Amy's Humble Musings for the link.)

Happy Wednesday :o)

for your saturday reading pleasure~

Here are some more links that I think are definitely worth reading...

Holy Habits

A weighty post that once again reminds us that what we do is important. Immensely. And there's a lot more to it than math facts, cooking, and tying shoes; yet life and relationship are tied up in those every day things.
An excerpt... "They say a mother wears an apron and a myriad of hats. I say she wears a collar too. A collar which can never be removed. A collar which cannot be observed by the material world: a clerical collar. For she is a priest in her home, before a congregation of children. ...While a mother continually changes her hats throughout the hours of the day, her collar remains: she is a priest proclaiming Christ’s glories. She cares for souls."


Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling: Exposing the 7 Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers

Unfortunately, I have been guilty of some of these far too often. An excellent read, I'm printing this one out. Vital for parents who want to keep their children's hearts.


Shelter Is Not A Place. It's a Relationship.

On sheltering our kids in the real world.
Another excerpt... "Shelter is not a place. It's a relationship. Although we need to be wise about keeping our kids safe (let's not be simplistic here), sheltering our kids from every potential evil is impossible. The world is corrupt. Hey, the youth group is corrupt!

I would love to withdraw my family from society and keep them from having to face the messiness of navigating relationships in a fallen world. But that’s just not feasible. Maybe not even desirable. Besides, we have enough sin nature between all seven of us, they’d still get to see plenty of corruption!

Instead, we want to make sure our home is the safe place, the most comforting sanctuary on earth, where our kids are guaranteed acceptance, affection and genuine love. Our relationship with our kids should be a reflection of God's relationship with us - overflowing with grace and forgiveness.

And while we’re doing that, we're introducing them to Jesus, and we’re walking along side them, showing them how to “do life” with Christ at the helm.

We don’t have to know all the answers, and heaven forbid we should try to appear perfect. I fail daily, and have to ask my kids’ forgiveness all the time. But we feel strongly that the more spiritually arrogant we are, and the more we try to hide our flaws, the more likely our kids will become disillusioned with God later on.

I thought all of these were excellent reads and will be keeping them close by. Let me know what you think.

Happy Saturday!

(and Stacey, let me know when you have your baby!!)

worth your time(otherwise known as i really need to clear out my tabs)~

I do this all the time. Click, "Whoa, that looks like it might take some time, I'll come back," or "I really should share that." Over and over until I have more tabs open than can fit across the top.

So, without further ado, here are some various things I've enjoyed, thought about, and think just might be worth your time.

The Temptation of Laziness

Something I struggle with daily. I've got a post on this in the works.

How I Found God's Will In A Sink Full of Dirty Dishes

On finding purpose and sanctification in mothering.

Sticks In Jars

A job/chore method that I am seriously considering trying out. For small or large families.

Tips for Surviving (and thriving!) in the Toddler Phase

From a mom of four in five years. Excellent, excellent post. So well said. I wish I'd written it myself. And not just practical tips, more toward emotional and spiritual thriving!

From Joyful Chaos

A mom of ten talks about life with her first baby and learning to mother in the way that works for her family. The more children I have, the more I value doing what works for us and ignoring what everyone else "says" we should be doing. Life is so much easier now than it was in the years with just one or two. This is not a "you should practice attachment parenting" post or recommendation from me, we are actually a good mix of attachment and scheduling. It just really struck a chord with me as Grace is such a peaceful and content baby, and I really feel that aside from the grace of God (which it is!), it is also because I've learned some things about giving her what she needs. This is the first in a series of posts. I've not actually read the rest of them yet.

Why Would You Want All Those Kids?

From a mother of fourteen on the eve of giving birth yet again. I loved this. Whether you have one child or fifteen, this will bless and encourage you. While short, and she's talking at first just about real life, toward the end she reflects on her relationships with her children and she puts it, getting ready to begin another love affair with a new baby. It gets sweeter each time. That I have learned.

I had some more, but as usual, lost them to little hands :o)

Happy Saturday!

late night reflections on grace(on being thankful)~

I sit here typing with aching shoulder and two hands recently freed from holding a tired baby. My foot is bouncing up and down in an effort to lull my tiny one into dreamland. As I was holding her, wishing she would settle down so I could get back to what I was wanting to do, I looked down at her soft head snuggled in the crook of my arm, knowing all too well how soon it will pass (I've walked this road before), and once again, my heart melted. How blessed am I.

My days are filled with busy children, tired babies, dishes to wash, meals to prepare, laundry to fold, toys to pick up, schoolwork to grade, messes to wipe up, bodies to scrub, arguments to settle, and life lessons to teach. Yet through the busyness and never ending list of things to do and do again, the Father has shown me how profoundly blessed am I.

It's not easy, and it's not always fun. But what I'm doing here matters. It matters very much to seven little people whose lives would be very different if I followed the path the world often deems the more valuable one. That knowledge that He, the One who created each of those little people, would show me His way and turn my heart toward theirs, allowing me the privilege to point them to the Lover of Their Souls...how blessed am I.

I could have missed it. One different decision, be it made in selfishness or ignorance, and the course of our lives would have been different. But when we, Glen and I, started on this journey together, we vocally, together, committed our way to Him, asking and trusting Him to direct our path. We had no idea that we would be entrusted with seven souls to guide and point to the Father. To shepherd and disciple. The gravity of that is more than I can wrap my mind around, much less work out in my own strength; so I daily go to Him, trusting that He who began this good work will carry it on to completion. That His grace is sufficient and in my weakness, He can shine. His power can be made perfect. I can rest in knowing it's all Him. How blessed am I.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you,
so that in all things at all times,
having all that you need,
you will abound in every good work.

As it is written:
"He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever."

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food
will also supply and increase your store of seed
and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness."

2 Corinthians 9:8-10
(my current life verse)

I've been learning about strength. The Father's verses mine. I am finding peace and joy in the realization that when I let it be all about Him that He can be glorified in my mothering.. For when it's done in His strength, according to His plan for my days, I do a much better job than when it's all about me. And I've been living it these past weeks. I've had a taste. When my help went home and real life returned after Grace was born, I had a choice: get overwhelmed, discouraged, and even angry at all I needed to start doing again, or be thankful. Choosing to see not the diapers and dirty floors, but the great honor and privilege I have in being a mother. A mother that is there. And embracing all that it encompasses. Not every mother has that privilege, and not every mother realizes what a gift it truly is. And I have both; circumstances that allow me to stay home, and the truth in my heart that it's the most important thing I can do with my life. And I am finding joy. Unfortunately, I have not always loved to stay home, and I have not always loved being around my children so much. But He has brought me far, taught me much, spoken to my spirit, and worked in my heart. How blessed am I.

May you be blessed,

as I have been.

some popular questions regarding the birth control debate~

These are some clear, thought-provoking, and very concise answers to several popular questions that come from Christians regarding the birth control debate. They are by no means exhaustive, but quick answers to several questions and/or thoughts many people have. They come from a mother of 8 and several of her children have been added to their family through adoption. Take a minute to read a few of them, and let me know what you think.

The Christian's Duty to Love Children (this is the longest of the posts, but still only takes a minute)

Is Birth Control Consistent With the Truth That Children Are A Gift From the Lord?

Does the Bible Say We Must Have A Certain Number of Children, Especially Concerning Having Many Children?

Can Something Be Right For One and Not Be Right For Another, Particularly Concerning Family Planning?

If A Couple Prays and God Gives Them Peace to Use Birth Control, Are They In God's Will?

If God Wants Us to Have A Child, Won't He Make A Way For It Whether We Are Taking Precautions or Not?

Are Christians Really Outnumbering Non-Christians by Believing Children Are A Blessing?

I was reading in Psalms the other night before going to bed, and I came upon Psalm 128. I have heard it and read it myself many times, but this time it just stood out a little differently.

"Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in His ways.

(me: how shall these people be blessed?)

*You will eat the fruit of your labor;

*Blessings and prosperity shall be yours.

*Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;

*Your sons will be like olive shoots around your table.

Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord."

~Psalm 128:1-4~

I wasn't looking for scripture in relation to having children, birth control, etc. I was just reading. It just stood out to me this time that "this is how the man who fears the Lord will be blessed."

I am by no means saying if you are not living in the complete fulfillment of these blessings that you must not fear the Lord or be walking in His ways, I'm just saying that it seems like God is saying that these are some of the ways he BLESSES US when we do fear Him and follow Him and that the above listed things ARE blessings. I don't think anyone would argue with the first two; a fruitful wife can be fruitful in many ways (though here it does seem to imply fertility;) but not many these days seem to want a table full of sons.

Not to open a can of worms or anything. I can easily see both sides of the debate, and while I have very strong "quiverfull" tendencies, I am not officially 100% in agreement that all birth control is wrong, all the time. (Yes, I know not everyone who is quiverfull believes it's 100% wrong all the time either.) The whole thing is challenging for me as well sometimes, no....often, especially at the end of this pregnancy. It definitely gave me pause, and food for thought.

I'd love to hear your thoughts as well...

my utmost for His highest~

This is what greeted me yesterday morning...

"My eager desire and hope being that I may never feel ashamed, but that now as ever I may do honour to
Christ in my own person by fearless courage."

Philippians 1:20

What a challenge for the new year!

I love Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest. I have been reading it since sometime in my teen years. For several years since our last move, it was relegated to an obscure bookshelf, and I just recently pulled it down and am rediscovering what is evidently nothing short of pure inspiration to Mr. Chambers from the Holy Spirit.

Are you familiar with it? For so long when I first read it, I was almost daily astounded at how it spoke directly to whatever I was currently struggling with and needing encouragement in. And I'm not talking about a general feeling of "Oh, what a funny coincidence." I mean more like blown away. I have since heard other people say that same thing. While I try and read it out of my book, I also subscribe to the daily devotional in my google reader. You can subscribe to the feed here. I would encourage you to check it out. It is motivating, encouraging, and often challenging.

So back to yesterday. What struck me is that the past couple of weeks I feel as if I've come to another one of those crossroads in life. The place where I have to choose, again, to die to self, and submit to what I feel the Lord is calling me to do. It's nothing huge in so far as *what* it is, though I'm sure it's huge in the grand scheme of things, it's just another layer of selfishness coming off. You know, the whole "he who loses his life for My sake will find it" sort of stuff. And boy is that hard sometimes. But yet, whenever I look back as these various points in my life, I can see the tremendous fruit and blessing that has come of it when I have, through the grace of God, chosen to go His way.

Oftentimes when I come to these places, it is a gradual building of consciousness. Usually, it begins with my being overwhelmingly and increasingly frustrated at something, and gradually, as I become more and more desperate for God to step in, He causes me to realize it is yet another place of choosing His way over my own. Sadly to say, for me, I usually drag this out much longer than necessary! But thankfully, the Lord is faithful and continues to lead me in the way I need to go.

So it was just in the last few days, Monday specifically, where I was once again desperate and crying out to the Lord for change and breakthrough in some areas of weakness and frustration, asking Him for specific answers, that as I was napping, and going in and out of that place of consciousness, that I felt His answer. And it very much had to do with my laying down *my* life for His way. Sounds simple, but it came to me clearly and I felt as if I came out of a fog.

And as the new year dawned, I read these thoughts from the 1 January devotional...

"...We shall all feel very much ashamed if we do not yield to Jesus on the point He has asked us to yield to Him. Paul says-'My determination is to be my utmost for His highest.' To get there is a question of will, not of debate nor of reasoning, but a surrender of will, an absolute and irrevocable surrender on that point. An overweening consideration for ourselves is the thing that keeps us from that decision..."

"...Shut out every other consideration and keep yourself before God for this one thing only - My Utmost for His Highest. I am determined to be absolutely and entirely for Him and for Him alone."

"...God's order (sometimes) has to work up to a crisis in our lives because we will not heed the gentler way. He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him, and we begin to debate; then He produces a providential crisis where we have to decide-for or against, and from that point the "Great Divide" begins. If the crisis has come to you on any line, surrender your will to Him absolutely and irrevocably."

So I've been really thinking about it and figuring out what specific changes I need to make in obedience to His leading, and so I have greeted the new year. Hoping, desperately hoping for more of Him. That He would come and be here. In this place.

Come, Lord. We need you. We are desperate for more of You. Be here. With me. In this place.

on trusting Him~

I have to apologize for not getting to this more quickly. I had hoped to get to this a good week ago, but such is life.

HC asked,

"I did want to ask you something...if I may be so forward with you!  First, a little, background:

After being on the pill for 3 years or so, and after learning from reading blogs such as Generation Cedar, and doing research, my husband and I were appalled to find out the pill is an abortificant.  So, after prayer, we decided to quit taking it.

Since our youngest was born (4 y.o.), we have both struggled with the "do we want to have more" question.  (We have 6 ages 14-4).  Weighing in the financial factor, the time, energy, etc..  After quitting the pill, we decided to dedicate my womb and our family size to God.  Can I tell you the peace and relief that I, myself, felt knowing this decision was out of my hands-that our God is all knowing and our provider!

I have since had one cycle.

Now then, I have settled in to the idea that we may have another blessing.  In fact, I WISH/HOPE/OBSESS over it!  My fear is that maybe He doesn't wish for us to have anymore.  I don't know how I will deal with the disappointment of not having another, now that I know it is much more possible not practicing any b.c.!

My question (sorry it took this long to get to it!) is this, after you have this newest baby, knowing how much you desire more, how will you deal with God saying, "You are done."?

ANY advice you could give would be greatly appreciated! (Also, if you could tell me that we will indeed have another baby-that would be great too! :p)

I had to laugh at the part over obsessing.  You should have seen me during the month where I thought there was a very good possibility I would conceive.  The two months prior, Glen had said he wanted to at least give it a little more time before possibly having another baby.  So once he was okay to face the very good probability that we would get pregnant, I was what you call *obsessed*.  At the risk of sharing too much information and making myself look like a complete dork, I'll tell you that the morning after *you know* and knowing it was my prime time for conception (and yes, Glen knew this too!)  I was up early analyzing my cycle lengths, comparing it to my past experiences and dates of conception, googling things like how soon could I have a positive test, the chances of boy vs. girl depending on when conception occurs, and all sorts of things.  I went on and on for days.  Then, when that magic "earliest day possible to find out" arrived, I started testing every morning.  It was a very good thing I discovered Dollar Tree tests, otherwise it would have had to become a budgeted item!  I don't think you people understand how much I like being pregnant and having babies  :o)  Now that you've had a good glimpse of what I'm really like, you can understand a little better how this can be hard for me!

I will admit, I have put this off answering your question a little for two reasons, one being it is such a hard question for me.  It's one of my fears. So far, every time I've wanted to be pregnant again, I've soon been pregnant again.  I've never had to deal with longing unfulfilled for very long.  Even when Glen has been overwhelmed, or wanted to wait, or even contemplated being "permanently done," the Lord has spoken to him specifically telling him we need to have another one (that's what happened with Noah), or just changed his heart toward it for now.  He's not had change of fundamental belief. The other reason being that honestly, I just don't know how I will deal with it.  I would like to say that it will be totally fine and will not bother me one little bit, that I can fully rest in God's will for me, being joyful and content in all things.  But truthfully, I just don't know.  I don't want to be so prideful and self righteous as to presume I would respond well, I can just ask Him to please help me.  Isn't that how it is in all matters related to trusting the Father when His will and desires conflict with our own?

I am again reminded of what I know was a huge turning point for me in my relationship with God.  I wrote about before how I had to deal with my fear that God wanted something different from me than being a wife and mother.  Once I came to a place (and it was a struggle!) of being able to say I would follow His will and trust Him, I was at peace, even though I didn't know what would happen.  I am firmly convinced that on that day I came to a fork in the road, so to speak, where I had to make a choice in whether I was *really* going to follow God, or if I was going to follow Him in word only, but fight for my way and go kicking and screaming if I wasn't getting what I wanted.

What a blessing that you and your husband are on the same page with this!  That is the hardest thing for me when it comes to this topic.  I've talked about it several times, so I'll only bring it up again briefly.  Glen and I have a wonderful marriage, we are truly best friends and prefer spending our time together rather than apart, and we have lots of fun together, but this is the one issue that is always there.  The intensity of it ebbs and flows, obviously it's a non-issue right now, and even though it doesn't cause huge waves, it's such a huge decision and fundamental difference, that is can be quite painful at times.  And I can honestly say that the part that hurts is just that we're not in unity, it has very little to do with me "not-getting-what-I-want."  I am so used to be in agreement in everything that this difference is really hard.

That said, my answer comes from dealing with this side of it as well.  I know that unless one of us changes, this is going to come up again. Thankfully, I know that Glen follows the Lord, even when it's hard, and even when it's not what his flesh would want.  I've seen it over and over, and in so many areas, one of those areas being this one, so I hope I can rest in that.  Even though I have a "belief" that the Lord should be in control, that we should allow Him to decide if and when we should have another child, my beliefs come from what He says about children and how He expects us to offer our bodies to Him and how to tells us to trust Him in every area of our lives.  The Bible does not say specifically, in black and white, that using birth control is wrong.  But He does tell me specifically, in no uncertain terms, to honor Glen and yes, the "s" word, even submit.  So that tells me that by following my husband, I am in the Lord's will.  I have had much more peace since I realized it was not my job to change his mind and heart with my words, my arguments, and my nagging...it is God's job to change hearts.  And I don't even want to presume that *I* have it all together and know everything, that *I* know the mind of God and Glen needs to get it together.   My prayers concerning this are for God to bring us into agreement, and bring both of our hearts and beliefs into alignment with His truth, His will, and His desire for our family.  Trusting Glen's decisions are made easier for me since I know Glen loves me and cares about what I believe, and even what I want.  And even more so because I know He loves the Lord with his whole heart.  I can't imagine having to deal with this if my husband didn't care to listen to what God had to say about it.

So, I'm not sure that I really answered the question.  I guess my answer really is that I don't know how I'll deal with it.  I've asked the Lord many times to please take away the desire for more when I am *done.*  To just let me feel done and ready to move into the next stage of life.  I asked a friend of mine at church that has eight, her youngest now being five or six, how she dealt with it.  She said they never felt *done* before, but after their eighth, she was peaceful, and just *felt* done.  I hope that's what it will be like for me.  It's no fun to not get what you want :o)  Like I said earlier, I hope that should I get to a place where I'm wanting more, but the Lord is saying no, either by not allowing me to conceive, or by having to honor Glen's desire, that I will be an example of grace and trust.  I know the way I deal with it will speak volumes to my children, and possibly even those around me, as does any area where we make a choice to follow the Lord's will or go our own way.

I often tell my children that God knows what's best for our family.  I know that's true.  I teach them that following the Lord's will ultimately, eternally results in peace and blessing, although the path may not always be fun.  I have a choice every day on how to live this out in day to day life.  I can choose to be peaceful and joyfully submit to God and my husband, I can choose to submit while obviously being unhappy and having a rebellious spirit, or I can outright rebel. 
Proverbs 14:1 says, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down."  The strength of our homes, our marriages, our relationships with our husbands, the peace in our homes, the stability and security of our children, often rests with us as women.  It so often comes back to that choice we have every day in how we're going to deal with life.  How we're going to deal with differences between us and our husbands.  It is far better and much more valuable to keep peace and honor within our spirits and our homes, to model this for our children, than to grumble, complain, and be discontent.  And this is true whether our frustration is coming from a difference between me and my husband, or between me and God.  And as much as it is not fun for me, it is imperative that my children learn to follow God even when it's not fun.  And what better way to lead than by example, that's what discipleship is all about.

I had hoped to give some answer to your question that was full of Scripture and godly wisdom, I don't feel that I've really done it justice.  My answer feels like it's really one very long "I don't know."  I can only encourage you to grow close enough and intimate enough with the Father that should He gently tell you "no more," that you can rest in His arms, knowing that He loves you with an everlasting love, and only desires and plans good for you.  Does this mean you have to be really happy?  No, of course not.  I imagine that should I ever come to a place of having to deal with this head-on, that I will grieve.

I  know several women who long to have more children, or even one child, but for some reason we will probably never understand this side of heaven, the answer for them so far has been no.  Of all the women that I personally know that have dealt with, or are dealing with it, each one has chosen to grow closer to God rather than close off their hearts toward Him.  Sure, they get angry, and cry, and don't understand, but they know that walking with Him is worth it, that He is trustworthy, and that He loves them.  You know this too, I believe.  So while I can't tell you what I would definitely would do, I can encourage you to stay with Him, and to stay close.

You are young, though.  I sincerely hope, and pray(!) that you will be sharing some exciting news with us soon  :o)