little evs~

Introducing...

Evelyn Rose

"Everly"

18 September 2011

10:53 AM

9# 8oz

What a little sweetie she is. Sometimes when I snuggle her up under my chin I am so overcome.

My heart is full. She is so precious.

and she turns 1~

My Dearest Grace,


Has it really been a year?  How can that be?  Wasn't it just yesterday you were a newborn baby snuggled up in softness with sleepy eyes and tiny clentched fists?  Delighting me with sweet baby yawns and sighs.  Don't you know your Mama's heart relishes your baby-ness?  Don't you know you're supposed to grow up slower than other babies?  Oh, how thankful I am that you are a snuggler.  And even though I enjoy a good nights' sleep, there is something precious about snuggling and nursing in those sleepy dark hours.  There really is.

You are such a delight to us.  Do you know how many requests I have to turn down from your brothers and sisters to please wake you up early in the morning?  Every day you're like a new gift.  You bring us countless smiles and indescribable joy.  You are such a sweet, happy baby.  We love seeing your face and eyes light up when someone walks in the room.  We love watching you bounce up and down with excitement when someone comes to play with you.  And even though you are just now beginning to show signs of trying to crawl, we're not worried.  That's how your brothers and sisters have been too.  It's a great adventure to set you down and see how far you can scoot yourself  :)


Children are a blessing.  Blessed  is the man whose quiver is full.  We know it.  Without a doubt. We live it every day.  We are so thankful for you.  We are so thankful you are here with us when you might not have been.  Every day we thank the Father for the wonderful gift of Grace.  You are sweet, and beautiful, and such a delight.


We love you, Precious Girl.  Sweet Baby Grace.

the birth of grace~

Well, it's high time I finally got around to writing Grace's birth story. I do feel I really needed to process it first, as my first attempts were all over the place and the way I kept "losing" them to blogger-land finally led me to believe I just needed to wait a bit. And I did. I needed to think it through. Not to mention I've been a little busy :o)

So here it is. Finally.

The actual birth is pretty normal. Labor began, lasted about four hours total with about twenty minutes or so of pushing. She was posterior, she turned right before I began to push. Non-eventful, easy birth. Rather large for two weeks early (nine and a half pounds exactly,) but perfectly healthy. No tearing, easy recovery. All done.

But it didn't feel that way in my head. During the labor, it felt like my hardest one ever. But it was all mental. The actual "birth story" is as above, but in my head it was an entirely different story. So if you want the details, here they are...

Easter Morning. We're all excited to go to my grandparents' farm in Kentucky. Secretly I've been feeling like she would come this weekend, but you know how that is. It's so hard to discern between what one is "feeling" and what one is just really hoping for. So although I was feeling it would be Easter weekend, Haven's two week late birth kept me from setting myself up for disappointment. I knew I was mentally preparing for her to come early though as I finished off my to do list on Saturday.

So everyone is looking forward to Kentucky. I'm hoping the car ride will put me into labor and that things will happen that night after a nice visit to the farm.

Not so. I woke suddenly around 7am thinking I either peed in the bed (which has never happened to me, even during pregnancy) or my water broke a little. I say a little because it was one small spot, not a huge gush. I got up, confirmed that yes! my water had indeed broken. And went back to bed quietly excited with my secret, and waited for something to happen. I was mildly disappointed that it seemed I would be laboring during the day (I really, really like waking up during the night realizing labor has begun, taking a bath, and enjoying the dark, quiet house and watching the sunrise. Strange, I know. But it's actually worked out that way several times.) But the disappointment was largely overshadowed by excitement that she was coming, and almost two weeks early!

So I laid there, and nothing. About an hour later, everyone was up and I was keeping my secret. (Have I mentioned I don't like to tell anyone I'm in labor until I absolutely have to? Not even Glen. For some reason, I just really prefer keeping it to myself as long as possible.) But after awhile I realized I was going to have to tell them as they were beginning to talk about getting ready to go. I told Glen quietly first, his eyes got really big and it actually took me a minute to convince him I wasn't joking. The kids were all very excited to find out the baby was coming and didn't mind missing the trip. Except for Ethan, he was highly irritated the baby couldn't just wait. He kept saying, "Can't we just go? The baby isn't actually coming now. Can't we just go and come back when she's actually being born?" Poor guy. If we had only known.

So I turn into the cleaning dictator. Anything anyone gets out has to be immediately put back, and any mess or crumb must immediately be cleaned up. But still nothing is happening. Not one contraction. Nothing. We take a family picture, run to the video store, come home, eat lunch, and finally lay down for a nap. All this time, my water is leaking enough for me to know that it truly is that, but not enough to keep me from normal activity. So finally I realize this labor is looking to be like Caleb's. With his birth, my water began leaking early on a Sunday morning as well, but I didn't go into labor until the following night. I really am kind of happy that I may indeed get to labor during the night. And it was really kind of fun anticipating it.

When we woke up from our nap Sunday afternoon, my water really broke. As in I was creating puddles every time I stood up, so I spent the rest of the evening sitting in my chair and assuring Glen it was totally normal for labor to have not really started yet. I reminded him of Caleb's birth, but he was still growing nervous that it had been so long and nothing was happening. He kept wanting me to call Susie, but I knew what that would mean and I wanted to just let it happen on its own. I assured him things would probably happen during the night and not to be concerned. We watched a movie and eventually went to bed.

I woke up the next morning after having zero contractions during the night. I don't even think I got up to pee. I'm lying in my bed trying to not be disappointed. At this point, I know we're going to have to have a baby today, one way or another as my water has been broken for so long now. No night laboring, and more than likely we're going to have to induce labor, be it naturally at home or artificially at the hospital. So I'm trying to not be terribly disappointed. You see, I really like to plan things. Whether it be how I'm going to organize my laundry or how my labor is going to go. I have always had a very distinct plan in my mind of how I want it to go, and amazing it has been that way more often than not. And not only do I have a very specific way of how I want things to go, but I also have very specific things that I absolutely hate in labor. And it was beginning to look like not only was it not going to go the way I wanted, but I was going to have to endure the things I absolutely wanted to avoid at any cost.

So I was mad. And then Glen comes in and tells me he's called Susie and she's on her way. So now I'm really frustrated. I can't even sit there and feel sorry for myself think through things and talk myself out of my pity party. I was slightly irritated with Glen, but he was concerned, and knows how I always put off calling the midwife, so he just took charge. It had to be done, I know it, but I was not happy about it.

So she comes. She tells me about the whole "water broken for 24 hours" thing which I already know, so we decide that "officially" my water didn't really break until I woke up from that nap around 3, so we'll give it until noon to see if labor is progressing. If not, I'll need to go to the hospital. Oh, and by the way, hospitals around here won't even do pitocin once it's been 24 hours. Automatic c-section. No pressure or anything. Ugh.

So she gives me some homeopathic stuff, has me use the br**st pump, and threatens me with castor oil or an enema if nothing happens. She really is quite nice about it, but I'm mad. Outwardly I'm agreeing, but inwardly I'm thinking yeah right. I'd rather just go to the hospital, refuse a c-section, get an epidural and have a nice pain free birth. I mean, by now all my desires are out the window, so why not just go all the way? I seriously spent the next hour thinking about how I was going to tell my midwife I wanted to go the hospital if she told me I needed to try castor oil or an enema. And I was serious.

Well, let me tell you. All that talk about n**ple stimulation (sorry, dad) bringing on contractions? It's true. It works, and it works fast. Within five minutes of using the pump I was having intense "I changed my mind about this whole no drug thing" contractions four to five minutes apart. They gave me some iv antibiotics to be on the safe side since my water had been broken for so long. (Which was so much easier than at the hospital. She slid the little needle in, just held it there for about fifteen minutes, then slid it out. No tape and I didn't have to leave it in during labor. So nice.)

So things are progressing. And then Susie realizes that once again, my baby is posterior. Now I'm really mad. Not only did I not get to gradually go into labor during the night, but I'm not going to get to labor comfortabally. No, I get to lay in all kinds of uncomfortable baby-turning positions while having intense contractions close together. I'm okay with it as I do not want to try and push out a baby turned backwards, but I'm still mad about the whole situation. She does finally let me get into the bath for awhile, but when I get out, I have to try and get the baby to turn still. I couldn't even lay back in the bath, I had to sit up straight. And I had too much tea tree oil in the water so every time I would have a contraction I would lay my head down on the side of the tub, but I couldn't breathe because it was too strong.

And all this time I'm retreating further and further into myself. You moms know how it is. You kind of get locked in your brain. I was obsessing over how miserable I was, how mad I was, trying to figure out if and how I could tell Susie I really just wanted to go to the hospital, and telling myself over and over that next time, I really, really, really AM going to the hospital. And that I'm not going to forget how much I want to just get an epidural next time. Really, I do. Finally, I remembered that I had asked the Lord for a verse or two to remember during labor, but by this time I couldn't really get them straight in my head, so they kept meshing with another. Really, I think this was the Holy Spirit giving me encouragement though as the way they went together was really sweet, and very encouraging when I could manage to remember it.

You know, it only takes a paragraph to write in black and white what was going through my head, but it was really intense and mentally very difficult. I guess it lasted about two and half hours or so of this feeling of contraction after contraction, with these thoughts chasing one another through my brain and my going back and forth between being mad and trying to gather my thoughts and remind myself of Scripture. I was very quiet, I don't make much noise during labor and don't like to talk unless I have to, but inwardly my mind was overwhelmed.

I got out of the tub, Susie checked me and I was almost complete, with a lip. (Does that happen to every mother giving birth naturally? It seems there is always a lip. "Just wait a little longer, you're almost there, just a little lip.") Susie figured this was because she was still backwards so that her head couldn't put proper pressure to finish dilating. So I resume lying on my side in Susie's highly effective baby-turning positions. (They work, they really do.) Finally, I feel this tremendous pulling and turning sensation during about three contractions. Grace is turning into the proper position, and I can certainly feel it. You could literally watch her turning around as my stomach contorted strangely.

As soon as she finished turning, I had the urge to push. I had to push for about twenty minutes, which is longer than with any of my other children, but oddly, it didn't hurt. It felt good to be able to finally push and know the end was near. I was finally going to have my Grace. I didn't even realize her head was out until Susie told me her shoulder was stuck and to push really hard. That took a few more pushes, and then finally, that feeling of immense relief when you feel them slide completely out. She was perfect, and beautiful.

Immediately following the birth, I had the whole violent leg shaking thing which is so odd, but is calmed by warm blankets fresh from the dryer (yay for being at home!) and I was exhausted. Usually I'm actually quite perky after birth for awhile, but this time I was mentally worn out and just wanted everyone to leave. I have had people at my births before, but have learned that I really prefer to just be alone. It doesn't even really matter to me so much if Glen is there which I'm sure most people will think is really strange, especially since we have such a sweet and wonderful relationship, but I just completely withdraw into myself during labor so I don't even really notice anyone except for Susie telling me what to do. This time, Anna and Glen were there, but that was all. I always tell my Aunt (who is like my Mom) and sisters that I'm planning on having them, "but will have to see," but this time I didn't have anyone since it began under weird circumstances, was immediately intense, and I was just plain mad the whole time. Anna, having missed Haven's falling out since she ran to get everyone else, refused to budge from the room the entire time, and she was actually a huge help to not only me while I was pushing, but also to Susie. Even if she did talk her ear off :o) (Me: "Anna, if you can't stop talking, you are going to have to leave!") :o)

I was telling some friends yesterday the whole thing was so surreal. I can see myself lying there pushing, but in my mind, my bed was almost all the way against the wall, it felt like the wall was right in front of my face. In reality, I was a good seven or eight feet away from the wall probably, but in my memory my bed is moved completely over. Very weird. The whole thing is like one long, slow motion memory where I'm going back and forth between the real world and my own thoughts. Very much like something you would see in a movie. It was very strange to experience it in real life.

So that's why it has taken me so long to process it. It actually took me a long time to figure out why I was so frustrated and mad the whole time and why it felt so much harder when it really wasn't. I just couldn't make the mental - emotional connection. I guess it is just another lesson in me not being able to control everything in life and learning to be okay with that. I very much want to have another baby, I very much want to have another home birth (funny how quickly we forget,) and next time, I hope I can remember how huge a part my mental outlook plays in how easy or difficult labor feels and that I can just go with it.

So that's my story. Sorry it took so long ;o)

And for those of you (like me) that love birth stories, my other ones are here.

of sweetie pies and snuggles~

Well, I would apologize for being scarce, but truthfully...I'm not sorry, not one little bit :o)

I've been busy, you know.

Doing what, you ask?

Well....

I've been watching as a sweet little girl discovers her world. Marveling at perfection wrapped up in the form of sweet smelling baby smells, tiny newborn diapers, and lots of snuggly pink pajamas.

Watching older brothers learn the art of comforting a baby in awkward boyish arms and older sisters swoop in at the first cry of distress.

Almost wishing for tiny baby cries to give me an excuse to snuggle down in the covers for a nap.

Delighting in a tiny body scrunching up into a yawn and a stretch that seems much too big for such a little girl.

Encouraging the use of a thumb in a hopeful attempt to avoid the paci addiction that plagues our house to this day.

And changing diapers, lots of diapers. And being reminded of that curious newborn quirk of filling a clean diaper as soon as you snap that last snap.

Rubbing my nose in super soft, jet black baby hair, anxiously awaiting the day there's enough to justify the use of a cute barette.

Delighting in the miracle of satiny baby palms wrapped around my finger, holding on for dear life.

Listening to baby breaths and tiny baby sighs.

Kissing perfectly round baby cheeks and imprinting the feel of their fulness in my heart.

Storing up memories of the size and feel of a newborn sleeping flopped over my shoulder or snuggled against me with milk running down the sides of her cheek.

Laughing at all those silly faces babies make in their sleep and wondering how I could have ever forgotten about them.

The look of a milk-drunk baby, completely satisfied and oblivious to the laughs and kisses surrounding her.

Rescuing her from well meaning three year olds and almost two year olds.

Reminding myself that "this too shall pass" and not knowing if I should be comforted or grieved...a little of both, I suppose.

Wishing I could just stop time and wondering how I'll ever deal with the days when there are no more of my own babies to hold and thinking I need to be strongly encouraging my children to have lots of children and live close by.

Being overwhelmed with gratitude that she is here, and perfect, when she came so close to being lost.

Trying really, really hard to sear this time into my memory so as to recall with perfect clarity what these days are like. Telling myself I will not forget...I will not forget...

********************

The days and weeks following the birth of our babies are probably my favorite times in life. I can't find words to describe it, but it's as if there is a bubble surrounding that time, it almost feels sacred. Of course after the birth of my first, and probably my second, it was much more difficult and felt overwhelming, but since then it's always just a time of being still, in body and spirit, and I treasure each of those times and memories.

One of the greatest benefits to me of having so many babies is how normal it begins to feel :o) With each baby I am able to relax more, take all the hormone fluctuations in stride (for the most part!), and just spend time enjoying each new little person. The laundry can wait, the blogging can wait, everything can wait. I have learned that that sweet, snuggly newborn stage is so fleeting that I just want to take it all in, store it up in my heart, and revel in it. Even now, each new day, I wish I could just re-live it. I so wish I could just stop time, right here, today, right now. It's going to pass by so fast and I can hardly stand it. I could just stay here, snuggling this tiny baby body, forever. She's already almost eleven pounds! I just need time to slow down, please...just for awhile.

********************

I am always amazed at how all of our babies look so much alike, even the boys and girls. Check out this first photo of Grace, and then the following one of Haven. It's a good thing I've labeled all our baby photos, because there are so many photos that if I hadn't labeled them, I would have no idea who it was. Especially among the boys who have passed down a lot of outfits.

Her first trip out...five days old, going to church on Saturday night.

Baby Grace and her polka dot pajamas :o)

So now you all know where I've been and what I've been doing. You also probably know why I keep having babies :o)

Birth story to follow soon...promise.

baby grace~

Grace Rose
Monday, 13 April 2009
1:40 pm
21 inches
9lbs 8oz

She's here! And 12 days early! And 9lbs 8oz at 12 days early!

And labor? Well....I don't want to talk about it.

Birth story and better photos to (hopefully) to follow in the next few days.

I don't have any really good photos yet. Hopefully I'll feel like finding the camera wherever the kids stuck it this morning and putting forth some energy to get some good photos. Right now, all I want to do is sleep :o)

Sunday morning after my water broke.

Mommy, Haven, and baby Grace

A very proud and excited big brother

silly people~

It's a good thing I'm not one of those people that gets all goofy about their birthday. You know the type, when it's still a couple months out they start saying silly things like, "It's almost my birthday! It's almost my birthday!" Not that I would know anything about that, of course. I've just heard about people like that. And those people that think they should get a whole birthday week, or even a whole birthday month....not that I would know anything about that, either. Silly people.
So, it's a good thing I'm not like that, or I might do something ridiculously immature like tell you that today is my 29th birthday so that you'll know and can
bring me ice cream cake
tell me Happy Birthday. I mean, because you know, I'm way too cool and mature to do something like. I mean, I'm almost a real grown up. That happens when you turn 30, right? Ahem :o)

the princess turns five~

Isn't she beautiful?
How time flies.

Moriah,
It is one of my greatest thrills and privileges in life to be your mother.
To wake up to your mischievous smile and to
be enamored daily by your fun personality and infectious, giggly laughter
brings all of us joy every day.
You are so much fun and a blessing and delight to each of us.
We love you and are so glad God decided to make you and put your in our family!

Happy Birthday, Princess!
We love you.

And Happy Birthday to your Daddy, too :o)

on the occasion of her tenth birthday~

How time flies...

To My Dearest Anna, on your tenth birthday...

Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how proud I am of you? Do you know that I love you with my whole heart?

The day you were born was one of the most joyous days of my life. How I had longed for you and waited to meet you! Did you know I wanted to be your mother my whole life? You bring me more joy than any friend, any vacation, any book, or any thing. You are the joy of my heart and the light of my life. You are a treasure straight from the heart of God. You are my Anna. I am so thankful God allowed me to be your mother. I thank Him for you every single day.

I want you to know that you are always a delight, and a blessing to Daddy and me in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without you. You are my right arm! It gives me joy to work side by side with you, spending time talking, laughing, and discussing fun things as well as serious things. Always remember that God gave us to each other. I am always here for you, to listen, to help, to encourage, and to understand. You can talk to me about anything. God intended mothers and daughters to be best friends, and you truly are one of my very best and very favorite friends.

You are also a blessing just by being you. The way you help our family is a blessing, but your light, your laugh, your hugs, your kisses, your songs, your poems, your dances, and just who you are is even more of a blessing! You bring such joy and life and laughter to all of us. We love you, Anna Rose.

As you stand here on the brink of becoming a woman, I want you to know what an important time of life you are entering into. It is now that your beliefs, your love, your heart, your God-given gifts and talents, your character, and your love for the Father will really begin blossom and grow. It has brought me indescribable joy and peace to see your passion for God, and your desire to know Him, to love Him, to honor Him, to obey Him, and to follow Him with your whole heart. I see your heart, I see your love, and I see your desire to please not only God, but Daddy and I as well. Daddy and I are so proud of you and your decision to trust Jesus as your Savior. We are so glad you are going to be in Heaven with us!

Anna, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has hard times in life, and everyone feels overwhelmed and challenged, but always remember that God looks at your heart. Even though you may sometimes fail, what matters is your love for God. He has only love toward you. He forgives, He helps, and He keeps His promises. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. He promises to work all things for good in your life. Even the hard things. The hard things in our lives are what God uses to make us more like Jesus. They teach us the fruit of the Spirit...to be patient, to be kind, to be gentle and faithful, to have self control.

It's the hard stuff in life that makes us grow. If life was easy, we wouldn't need Jesus! I encourage you to spend some time asking the Holy Spirit to give you some verses that can be for you. Ask Him to cause you to open His Word and see the verses He wants to give you -Words that speak of God's love, His faithfulness, and His promises. The devil, your enemy, will always try and tell you lies about God and lies that make you feel bad, that make you frustrated, sad, discouraged, and afraid. It is so important to know what God really thinks about you, to know what His promises to you are. I encourage you to start a journal where you write down what the Holy Spirit tells you and Scripture He gives you. Write down what it means to you. Then you will always have a weapon against the devils lies.

I love you, Anna. With my whole heart. I look forward to being best friends for our whole lives. You are a treasure, a precious and rare jewel. You are the only one like you, and God made you exactly the way He wanted you to be. It is mine and Daddy's privilege to call you our daughter.

Be joyful, Anna. Be happy. Be encouraged. Be loved. And be blessed. Trust the Father with every part of your life. Every joy, and every frustration. Daddy and I pray the Father will show you His love for you, that He will pour out His favor and His abundant blessings on your life. Walk with Him. Stay close to Him. Love Him first, above all else. He has saved you, and He smiles on you always.

Love Always,
Mama

(this is a letter i wrote for anna before we left. i gave it to her today along with a mother and daughter willow tree figurine. i wrote what is in my heart for my precious daughter, as even at the tender age of ten, she really is on the brink of entering her womahood. she is an old soul, and has always been wise beyond her years. some of it probably seems a little odd given her age, but it was written with much prayer and thought, and truly does speak to many things she seems to deal with in her life. i pray it brings her encouragement and opens her eyes to how much she is loved. and yes, out of all my children, she is the only one who calls me mama.)

happy 3rd birthday noah~

Today our sweet Noah is 3! I can hardly believe it, he is getting to be such a big boy. See the next post below for some fun Noah trivia :o)

We have a family tradition where we take each child when they turn 3 to Build-A-Bear to pick out a bear, bunny, puppy, or whatever they like.

Currently the standings are:

Anna - Courduroy the Bear

Caleb - Charlie the earless bunny (I don't want to talk about it)

Ethan - Joe the Bear

Moriah - Puppy the Puppy

and now...

Noah - Jack the Puppy

Here are some pictures from the fun day~

We haven't had his actual family party yet, we'll have that later in the month when we also celebrate my grandmother and sister Dyana's birthdays.