a new start?maybe...

Wow, I'm on a roll.  A post every six months or so.  I.am.on.fire.

When I go back and look at my old posts and read things about how baby #6 threw me for a loop, or how I'm dealing with a hormonal 11 year old, or any number of similar things I have to laugh a bit.  Oh, former self, how silly you were.  I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing a year, two years, five years from now.  But for now I am (beginning) to understand what *they* mean when *they* say the younger years are so simple.  Carefree...no.  Simpler...yes.  Managing a house full of very unique, strongly opinionated, competitive, mostly strong-willed children from high school down to baby is...time consuming.  And brain-space consuming.  And often quite mentally draining. I am an introvert, dontcha know?  But I do miss blogging - it's like being inside my own head but being able to get it out.  I don't want to lose this time and the memories of our days and years.  So, I've set my calendar to remind me to blog on Tuesdays when the oldest six kids go to their tutorial.  Maybe I will.

I did go quiet for reasons other than busyness, though.  I think I used to feel like I had a message, or a soapbox, or something to say.  I still have lots of opinions and strongly held beliefs, but the Lord began to reveal to me how terribly judgmental I was.  I've always known that about myself, but I really began to confront the raw ugliness of it.  The Holy Spirit used some very personal situations in my life to begin to chip away at my pride, judgmental attitudes, and extreme selfishness.  The depth of my sin was and is startling.  I've never claimed to be perfect, but boy did (do?) I want to appear that way.  The thing about perfectionists is that they are usually just as hard on themselves as they are on others, possibly even more so.  So, while I have stood on my high hill looking down at those around me, I've also internally struggled with the stark reality of how I've never measured up to my own standards.  Depressing, really.  But, oh, how sweet is grace.  My heart has always clung to grace.  There is a reason I named this blog, a cat, and two of my daughters names that mean some variation of grace.  I would be utterly lost without it.  I know it is not about me, it has never been about me.  It is always about Him.  Always.  Such a paradox it is; struggling violently with pride and selfishness yet been keenly aware that I am not even close to what I would desire to be.

So anyway, the Lord took me to a quiet place.  He asked me if I was willing to be hidden.  Could I be content to be quiet?  Was it truly about Him or about me?  I'm not even sure about writing all this, even this sounds like I'm trying to impress people with my response.  All I knew was that I was tired of trying, and if I truly wanted to mother well, learn to love well, and really face my *stuff* I needed to be quiet and be hidden.  And so it was.  No longer do I feel like I have any platform from which to speak, save what the Lord has done and continues to do in my life.  I have not arrived, not even close, (does anyone ever?)  But I am learning and hearing.  I do, however, feel like I'm ready to start writing again about our life and about what the Lord is doing in me.  I'm not sure what that will look like, and I can't promise that I won't have any opinions or thoughts to share, but primarily I want to just live this life and be able to look back and not only remember what all of the kids were like, but remember what He has done for me.  He is so faithful and His grace and mercy are new every morning.

Now, if I could just learn to take good (I'd settle for decent, even) pictures.  There's that perfectionist side again, right there.  Seeing as how I'll be hard pressed to remember what things were like or what the kids were like without photos, you guys will just have to deal.  My apologies in advance.  :)   But today, a bonus.  Thanks once again to my friend, Lillian, for some amazing family photos.  After this, it's all me.  Fair warning.

(Blogging is so weird.  Am I even writing to anyone?  I'm really just writing for myself but this format lends itself to feeling like I'm writing to people.  Whatever.  My brain is tired.)