the big snow of 2010~

I thought I may as well do a little catching up on what's been going on; other than my internal wrestlings, that is  :)   After all, I did intend for this to be a record of our life to look back on.

In January we had a big snow.  Or maybe February.  I can't actually remember.  All my days tend to run together.  Anyway, it was rare for where we live.  We only get a snow like this every five years or so.  It was perfect.  The first day it was nice and fluffy.  Great for throwing and making snow angels.  That night it iced over and so the next day it was super hard and crunchy.  Awesome for sledding (and for letting Glen be stuck at home!)   As it melted over the following days it was perfect for building snowmen.  It was absolutely wonderful.  Where we live is kind of up on a hill, so when it snows we are often stuck for several days, even after the rest of the world goes back to normal.  I will freely admit the highlight for me of snow days is Glen being home.  It's so nice feeling like all you can do is be lazy and spend time together.   Ahh....forget work, forget school....

We have an incredible place for sledding.  From this view you go down a fairly steep hill and the snow was packed just right so that you picked up plenty of speed to continue back up the other side.  It was great.

Glen and I even took a few turns. 

 Yes, I  know I look stupid, but I hate being cold.  :)

Grace thought she'd participate too   :)

Glen got the next to last sled from the hardware store, and then he came home and the kids started trying to sled before the snow even started!  A couple of days later he built a seven person sled, but he was the only one strong enough to drag it back up the hill.

I'm sure all you folks that live further north find this somewhat amusing, but for us it was a big deal.  I could use a couple of big snows every winter  :)  

on submission and perspective~

This post has been on my heart to write for a very long time.  I've not completely felt it is the proper time to write it, but mostly I have put it off because I've not been sure how to approach it without sounding prideful.  The best I can offer is just to say that in no way is it coming from a prideful place.  I have not arrived; and in no way, shape, form, or fashion do I believe myself to have "gotten it."  I am only sharing because I have felt like I should, but also because I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to view life this way as I feel like it is truly what helps me to survive the craziness that is my life  :)

I often get asked by people "how" I do "it."  Whatever "it" is.  The more I've thought about that question over the years, the more I've realized it really comes down to submission and perspective.

The way I see it, we are created to glorify God.  In whatever station of life we find ourselves in.  My place in life is that of a wife and of a mother.  These are the primary vehicles that God uses to bring about sanctification in my life.  I think a lot of people's frustration in life comes from an internal struggle they've got going on in regards to what their life currently looks like.  Whether it's a man that feels like he deserves more and is under-valued and under-appreciated, or whether it's a woman that is frustrated because she wants to do more with her life than just wipe bottoms and noses all day long.

The truth is that you are where you are in life for a reason.  Now, you may be smack in the middle of where God wants you to be and what His plan is for you, or you may be suffering the consequences of poor decisions; but in both situations, if you are a believer, you can trust that the Lord has promised to be with you and work all things out for your good.  You either believe that or you don't.  And you can then choose to see God's hand in your situation and trust that He is working.

So for me, this comes down to my viewing my life and the daily processes of it (chores, homeschooling, mothering little ones, etc.) as my service to God.  That sounds quite dry and stuffy, but I believe there is genuine joy and peace that can be found when one is living his or her life according to God's will.  Even when His will may not currently look like what you'd prefer.  In  nutshell, when I am frustrated, or angry, or overwhelmed I choose to see it as what God is using at that very moment to fashion me more fully into the image of Jesus.  It really does make things easier.  Making peace with your life comes down to being willing to submit to what God is calling you to and choosing to be content with where He has you.  I've just always been able to see the difficulties and frustrations in my life not as injustices done "to" me, but as God, in His mercy, using the difficult things to peel away selfishness.

Easier said than done.  I know.

This year has been hard.  I thrive on structure and routine.  Grace, so far, apparently does not.  So for the past 11 months every. single. day. has been a fly by the seat of your pants kind of day, and that is very, very hard for me.  I have often joked that naptime is priority #1 around here, but when you have a baby that absolutely resists settling into a predictable naptime, that causes an internal crisis.  So I've had a choice.  Every day.  I can get frustrated and angry (and many days I do!) or I can choose to see it as the Lord teaching me things.  One, that I am not in control, and that* that* really is okay.  That I need to be nice, even when my day doesn't go as I'd like it to.  (And I think I may have had five of those "good days" in the past year!)  That I can trust Him with my kids education (since I firmly believe we are supposed to be homeschooling) even when we're having a not quite ideal year.  And maybe, that I shouldn't joke that naps are priority #1 when He should be  :)

I've always had babies that napped well.  Even though I've never had particularly good night sleepers, I've been okay with that as they've been excellent nappers.  Over the years I've come to depend on naps.  So maybe that's been the problem.  Maybe that's why this year I'm getting to learn that it is God that strengthens and equips me and not my "quiet time."  Grace has been a "you better nurse me to sleep and make sure I'm totally out of it before you lay me down" kind of baby.  Which I'm not used to.  We've trained our babies to lay down at a certain time, even fully awake, and be able to go to sleep easily without crying.  It is highly irritating to lay a baby down time after time after time and have her repeatedly wake back up and cry.  So for the past year,  I've had literally hundreds of opportunities to practice patience, joy in the midst of thwarted plans, kindness when tired, gentleness when I'm ready for "me" time, and self control when I'm ready to lose it.

What all this has looked  like for me recently is that every single time over the past months when I've gone to lay Grace down and she's woke up AGAIN I've had a choice; get frustrated and question God as to why He can't just make her sleep already (after all, I have all these other children that He's given me that I need to take care of) or I can view it through the lens of Him allowing her to be that way and trust that He is using that to get rid of more junk in me.  Did he make her that way?  I don't know.  I don't think so.  But I believe that He's using the difficult parts of my life to carve away (and it does feel like carving) more selfishness from me.  And that perspective makes all the difference.  It's all about submission to what He wants to do in me.  I can fight it and be miserable and question His goodness, or I can trust Him.  A long time ago I told God I would follow Him.  He could have me and that I wanted Him to help me live my life worthy of Him.  And that means I have to be willing to let Him work in me.  

Grace is finally settling down.  She has learned for the most part to fall asleep on her own, and she is beginning to settle into a routine-ish naptime.  There's still a window there, between 10:30 and 1, and I never know when she'll suddenly start rubbing her eyes and I'll have to announce, "Okay, everybody eat your lunch NOW!!  Grace is ready for her nap!"  But it's becoming a little more predictable.  Finally.

But God must have started phase 2.  What I'm beginning to see is the intense phase.  I have a title for it.  It's called Learning to Live With A Hormonal Adolescent That Is Smart Enough To Point Out To You That You Are Guilty of the Same Things You Tell Her Not To Do.  Alternately titled Getting Rid of Hypocrisy In Your Life.  You think I'm joking.  I'm not.  Pray for me.  Really hard.  My Mom and I approached every day as a battle and it is a struggle for me to not replicate this between Anna and myself.    This is the part where I choose to believe what God told me early on that my mothering is covered in His grace.  (Which was a big enough deal for me to title my blog after.)  But still.  Pray for me.

I'm not perfect in walking out this perspective.  I spent a good bit of time questioning Him early on.  After all, this is the first year I've not had a day "off" every week.  Couldn't He have at least given me an easy baby when I'm already getting used to being with my kids all day, every day?  Doesn't He see that I've allowed Him to give us the children He desires and that I've sacrificed my life to homeschool them?  Doesn't He remember that I didn't grow up with a good model of how to really love my children and every day is a battle for me?  Doesn't He remember that He gave me this introvert personality, desperately in need of alone time and a quiet enviornment?  Doesn't He see?

Of course He sees.  I know that.  He reminds me that He made my love language quality time and He has shown up every single second of every single day when I've looked for Him.  Every. Single. Time.  He  has let me know that He is always, always with me.  He's taught me how to feel His presence and hear His voice.  I can trust Him because I know He's there.  And that He loves me, and that He only has good plans and desires for me.  That He is the giver of GOOD gifts.


This is not all cupcakes and roses.  It's hard and it's not usually fun.  For sure there is a peace in it, but it's not always pleasant.  Again, it comes back to submission and perspective.  All those days when I was questioning why He couldn't just make her sleep already, when I would start grumbling and complaining (at Him!)  you know what He told me?  Philippians 2:12-15.


"...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.


Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."

It felt just like when I cut off my children when they're arguing.  He wouldn't even let me talk  :)  Here I am, lying in bed, having been woken out of deep sleep by a growing wail coming from the closet.  "God, no.  Please.  Just make her go back to sleep.  I'm so tired.  Why can't you just make her sleep well.  I need you to....."   And just like that, those verses would pop into my head.  Repeatedly.   Ugh  :)

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."  ~Galatians 2:20


Crucifixion.  Not pleasant.  But necessary if we are to follow Christ.  I want Him.  He died for me.  The least I can do for Him is to allow Him to work in me by using a fussy baby or a hormonal daughter.  The least.  I owe Him my life. And I love Him.  Because He loved me.


That about sums it up.  

life x7~

Well, I'm still here. Minus a few brain cells, plus a few gray hairs. I'm not sure exactly what happened, other than life, but blogging kind of fell by the wayside. Buried under a pile of train tracks, diapers, and jr high girl emotions. Gee whiz.
I don't really know what to say. I miss blogging, but I kind of needed to step back and just reflect on life. I definitely needed to be silent for awhile. I'm not even sure I'm really going to begin blogging again with any regularity right now, I still feel like I'm in a silent season, but I wanted to at least catch up a little. Especially since seeing as how I really started blogging just to have a journal of sorts. I've got a lot on my mind today, and some free time, so I'm feeling the desire to just get some of my thoughts in order.
I think having my posts show up on facebook kind of shocked me into silence. There's something about realizing that suddenly a lot of people you actually know are reading what you think about things. That, and having a baby that has been teaching me that I really can't control everyone and everything and the best methods aren't always foolproof. Apparently I hadn't learned that yet.
I survived my sister being gone on a YWAM DTS for five months. I guess for some people they frequently go that long without seeing or talking to their sisters, but my sisters are really my closest friends. I missed her a lot. Thank you, God, for facebook chat. It made it much easier. But I am so glad she's home.
A little update on the kids and life and what they're like right now~

I think sixth grade is the new seventh (or the old seventh?) Or maybe I just don't remember (I am almost thirty, you know :) But school is different, again, this year. I guess every year will always be different. But now I have a jr-higher, whatever that means. I am so thankful we homeschool. I just don't think I could handle having Anna in school and all the outside influence that would bring. There is enough of it already. She is an incredible, awesome, (as-of one month ago real) woman ;) but it's hard on a girl being different. She wants to be normal, to fit in, to be like her friends; and some of that is fine. It's been a season of praying hard, listening to and seeking God's perspective on things, and learning how to shepherd her while granting increasing freedom, choices, and privilege; but also protecting her. What a fine line. I don't know how people navigate this without the Holy Spirit. She is highly sensitive and emotional, but I'm also enjoying her more and more. She is so good with the little kids, at seeing what needs to be done and helping out just because she wants to bless me. She is so responsible and so good at managing her time. She pretty much schools herself now (except History and Bible which we do together) with the occasional question or concept she needs help with. I couldn't have asked for a more incredible daughter. It's hard and intense, but also very cool watching Anna grow into who God is making her to be.

Caleb is 9. Such a quiet, sensitive, thoughtful guy. A real pleasure and blessing to Glen and me. He's grown and matured so much this year. He and Glen are taking a gun safety course this week as we allowed him to buy a shotgun earlier this year. He's a hard worker, and still is showing a strong bent toward building and engineering things. He also has a great love of the outdoors and all things hunting related.

Ethan just turned 8. My New Year's Eve baby :) He's so different than Caleb that everything with him still feels like a first. His brain is pretty much all Star Wars, all the time. He always has some battle playing in his head. He's super sweet, and so smart. Still very affectionate. He calls me "Mom Mom" and Glen "Dad Dad." I'm not sure when or why he started doing this, he was quite young, but he still does it. I kind of thought he would outgrow it, but not yet. And now Moriah has started doing it too. Mostly when they're asking a question or trying to get our attention. If I could just get him to stop pretending the broom is a lightsaber we'd be good ;)

Moriah. Talk about 6 going on 30. She's such a little mother. She loves to play outside, loves to play all kinds of creative, imaginative games with Noah and Haven. She can invent games and ideas that entertain them for hours. They play house, store, restaurant, pet shop, puppies, and all kind of other stuff. She loves dogs, which is kind of ironic because when she was a toddler she would scream hysterically at the sight of any dog, but now she loves them. She has a very late birthday, so she's really kind of a Kdg/1st grade mix, but her school is coming along really well. She's reading better and better, and seems to have a math mind. When you tease her she kind of points her chin down and looks up at you with her eyes and says, "Mo-om!" or "Da-ad." And Glen teases me endlessly because it is the exact same look that I give him when he teases me. It really is funny to see her do it because I can tell it's the exact same face that I make.

Noah. Oh........Noah. My Mr. Charming. AKA Mr. Know It All. I guess that's to be expected with you're number 5 and feel the need to make your place in a large family. His personality doesn't lend itself well to being treated like a baby or being talked down to, so he's very dynamic; and yes, seems to currently think he knows everything. He was so proud to receive his "official job list" soon after he turned four. Notice I say was. The novelty has kind of worn off. But he is a pro at cleaning up the living room, bringing down the laundry, making his bed, straightening the shoe closet, and feeding the dog. When he's in the mood. Ahem.

(Have I mentioned we got a dog. It was back in like, May, or something. Moriah had been begging for a dog. We are not dog people. We have an outdoor cat that we joke is the perfect cat and that God just sent her to us. She appeared a few years ago, catches all kind of unwelcome creatures around the house, and lets the kids play with her and pull her tail and all kinds of things like that. Her name is Gracie. So we always said we'd get a dog if God sent us the perfect dog like He'd sent us the perfect cat. So I was in the nursery at church one night and was telling my friend this exact story. Right after church, a friend of ours came up and said she had a little dog that needed a home and was wondering if we would like him. Hmmm....interesting. I got the details. Sounded good. Been an outside dog for awhile, sweet, good with kids, not aggressive, didn't chase my friend's chickens. Used to being in the country. Okay. Picked up the dog. Perfect dog. His name is Biscuit. He tolerates Moriah dressing him and putting a leash on him and

dragging him around
playing with him. So anyway.)

Haven. He's two. That's about sums it up. I think I need to go re-read my Taming of the Two Post. He is all sweetness and smiles and snuggles and stutters wrapped up into a whirlwind tornado two year old boy. So sweet. And so busy. I'm often left wondering how in the world I ever managed with just toddlers. It seems that it takes all of our eyes to keep an eye on Noah and Haven. They have these blue and brown striped footed pajamas that have a monkey on them.that they like to wear together. I was joking the other night before Glen and the two older boys left for cub scouts that.Thing One and Thing Two were putting on their uniforms to terrorize me while he was gone. I was only partly joking. :)

(the picture of innocence)

And Grace. Sweet Grace. Oh how she has stretched and humbled me :) That will be probably an entire post in itself. In two days she will be nine months old. Nine months. Where has the time gone? She is, for the most part, a smiley, happy sweetie. She loves her bouncer and can play there for awhile as long as she has company nearby. (Which, of course really means she is number seven and used to being with people all the time and doesn't like so much not being entertained. Ha ha.) She has started really eating baby food and some normal food within the last month, and just this week has learned to sit up on her own a little. I know, it seems late to a lot of people, but our babies have always been like that. So far they're all good and all smart, so I'm not worried. All our kids have been around 8 months to sit up, 10ish to crawl, and close to 16 to walk. Lucky me :) Seriously. All you moms with lots of kids know exactly what I'm talking about. Now if we could just come to an agreement on the whole sleeping thing...

(those are really her eyes, aren't they gorgeous?)

Life in general is different. This season has been one of intense change and transition. Internally and externally. I don't really like change, so it's taken me awhile to adjust and settle in to new things. And it's good, for the most part. Some of it I still don't prefer, but some of it is good. It just takes me awhile. That also probably has a good bit to do with me just being quiet lately. It almost feels like a new life. I've always said things are really easier in many ways with a lot of kids, and that is partly true, but learning to juggle older kids and younger kids is definitely a new challenge. Glen and I are definite homebodies. We prefer to just be home and hanging around. We intentionally chose to not overcomplicate our life with outside activities, too many commitments, etc. Suddenly we have these kids who are older and want to do things like play with their friends! *sigh* So we went from our life of school one day a week, and church on Saturday nights to early Sunday service, Wedenesday night church, gymnastics, and cub scouts. And we're in the process of praying about if Anna should do a two day per week homeschool tutorial next year. Not to mention that the time of possibly having another baby is rapidly approaching. We're still very good to guard our family time, I really do believe that is super important, so the other five nights a week we stay home together, but it still feels so much busier than it used to.

Life. x7. Whew.

don't blink...~

...or you will open your eyes to find your sweet, sleepy newborn baby girl is a wide-eyed, smiley, wiggly bundle of smiles.

...you will realize you missed an entire season while you were snuggling.

...you'll find that your two year old found all the preschool puzzles and has learned that it's so much fun to throw the pieces down the stairs. Repeatedly.

...that that same two year now speaks in complete sentences and has an utterly delightful stutter. And says things every day that melt your heart like, "Me loving you, Mommy. Me loving you." And you secretly smile that he is your blondie and his head is still charmingly on the um...larger side.

...your second baby princess is now six and is no longer a little girl. And that she would most definitely take issue with being called a baby princess seeing as how she is quite often found leading a pack of boys to the secret hide out in the woods and can out run just about all of them.

...your first baby princess is now a young lady, truly on the verge of womanhood. And you will be delighted to realize you really are becoming very good friends, and not enemies.

...your oldest son grew in not only stature but has attained a level of maturity that you and your husband are astounded by.

...that your almost eight year old son still likes to hold your hand in public and realizing that brings untold joy.

...your four year old son has grown amazingly tall and is, in fact, your first left-handed child and the people at the art center really are amazed at his artistic ability, and not just being nice. And you will smile because he is still your Mr. Charming.

...you are now 29 and a half and you have almost arrived at the "magical" age you always felt was truly a grown up. And that there are now quite a few mothers out there that are younger than you are. And that is an odd feeling.

...you will open your eyes and be delighted to find that boy you married (when you were just six years older than your oldest daughter) is truly your favorite person on earth to be with. Still. By far. And you still think he's pretty cute.

...but when you do blink, you will open your eyes to look around and you will know that God is good. And you are blessed. And the boundary lines have fallen for you in oh, such pleasant places.

...and if you are smart, you will close your eyes, and take it in, and write it down. And you will remember and be reminded, yet again, that He, the Giver of Good Gifts is faithful. And you will be thankful.

~O Giver of Abundant Life...may I never forget...

...

pretending to be farmers~

Once upon a time, when I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, I used to say I wanted to marry a farmer. I think this came from loving to be at my grandparents' house who even still to this day live and work their farm. They were so happy, life was so peaceful and it seemed like that was just the way people were supposed to live. There's still a part of me that believes if we could just return to simpler times a lot of the world's problems could be solved. But I digress...

Anyway, as I grew older I realized that I did not, in fact, want to be a farmer's wife. I wanted to be a contractor's wife :o) (well, I wanted to be Glen's wife, and he's a contractor, so, you know.) Running an entire farm entails work I can't even really imagine. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

So when Glen and I moved to the country, we had no aspirations of farming or growing anything (other than babies, heh heh.) As time has passed, we've wanted to learn some gardening, we have some fruit trees, and this year we got some chickens right before Grace was born. And remember when I said Glen was oddly attached to them? Well, the feeling is mutual, because they follow him around everwhere. It is hilarious. He's like a mother hen. They are completely free range (which means we are now tick free - hooray!) except we do put them up at night. But as soon as they're out, if Glen's out, they're following him around.

So even though our first year gardening attempt was a dismal failure, unless you count the chickens eating the tomatos successful, which I guess you could, sort of, at least the chickens are doing well. Thankfully, we haven't even lost one. And to prove it, last night Moriah discovered the first eggs.


They're tiny, but I'm told they'll get bigger in about a week or so. Depending on how many we get, we're hoping to be able to sell some. Now we're thinking about round two and possibly adding a rooster to the mix so we can actually get our own chicks instead of having to buy them.

So gardening, not so much, though we called this a practice year anyway, but chickens...they've been so much easier than I ever expected.

And chickens are about all that's going on in my world this week, unless you want to talk about the throwing up four year old, but I'd rather talk about the chickens.

the three month funk(dealing with postpartum depression and thoughts on living a surrendered life)~

It hits me every time. Like a train. Even though I know it's coming. I hesitate to even write about it this time as this past year one of my closest friends walked through the worst postpartum depression I've ever witnessed. I've only read about cases that were that severe. And in no way am I passing judgment, I mention it because I never realized how utterly horrific it can be for some women.

But I do want to mention it for several reasons. So I can look back next time and maybe remember and get some perspective when I'm in the middle of it again, so I can remember and encourage my girls if they go through it one day, so other women can know they are not alone and hopefully be encouraged.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to approach it from a laid-back, "that's just life, no big deal now that I am (hopefully) coming out of it" perspective or from a little more serious perspective, but as I'm writing, I'm feeling the need to be a little more sober about it. Because it's really hard if you are someone that goes through it. And again, I cringe to even really make comparisons after my friend struggled horribly for months. Compared to what she went through, my experience is a walk in the park, but after asking numerous friends over the years, I've found that while it's nothing compared to severe ppd, it is quite a bit worse than any of my friends seem to experience, so I want to provide another place women can maybe find some help and encouragement.

I would like to say it's gotten some better with each baby, knowing now to watch for it. Having the perspective that it will pass does help some, but when you're in the middle of feeling depressed, even that knowledge is truthfully, not that comforting. So even though since the second baby I've known to watch for it, and been able to know it's coming and been able to identify it and even forewarn Glen, once it hits, it's really hard for me until it passes.

Women are always warned to watch for signs of ppd (postpartum depression) after a birth. Being overly emotional and weepy at first is normal. I've never actually had much of that. Maybe a little, but generally the first two months after giving birth are a really sweet, and usually easy time for me. But when my babies hit between three and four months my hormones shift, and with it often comes our babies' difficult stage. I don't know why it is, but generally the three month age is the hardest I have with my babies. I don't know if they sense something going on with me, if my milk changes due to such drastic hormone changes, or really what it is, but most of our babies have napping and tummy troubles during that month which only compounds my sense of being overwhelmed and stressed. (And just to have a record of it somewhere, this time around I have learned that my being overly stressed, preoccupied, and busy due to external circumstances (van shopping and several out of town trips) makes my babies highly agitated and unable to be easily comforted and settled. Meaning screaming most evenings and any time she was tired, virtually unable to be comforted. As soon as this was past and we were able to be home and just living "normal" life she immediately calmed down. And I also discovered, after much trial and error, that orange juice was giving her horrible, horrible tummy pains. Once I cut out the orange juice she has had virtually no tummy problems at all.)

So I did some research this time. Even though no one close to me has ever said they have a similar experience, I have heard from a few different places online that this happens to other women around the same time. What I learned has been so valuable this time around. I learned that when a woman is pregnant her progesterone production goes into maximum overdrive, producing up to 400mg of progesterone a day toward the end of pregnancy. Then, she gives birth, and since her ovaries are still dormant there is minimal to zero progesterone being produced. For awhile there are enough stores in her body to swing along for awhile, three to four months usually, and then, especially if she is nursing and her ovaries are still dormant, there is suddenly a huge progesterone deficiency and for some women this triggers depression. It's also what triggers postpartum hair loss. From my reading it sounds like quite a bit of even regular depression in women can be at least somewhat attributed to estrogen dominance and too little progesterone.

So what does that mean? I identified a very possible sounding cause and wanted to try and help myself this time. So I did some more research and found that a proper estrogen/progesterone balance can help women with a whole host of reproductive/women related issues; it can help women that have trouble sustaining a pregnancy due to an insufficient amount of progesterone, it can help with pms, it can help with postpartum depression, it can help with regular depression, and it can help peri- and post-menopausal women. Obviously I am not a doctor, but I would encourage any women that feels they may benefit from this knowledge to first research it for herself and then talk with your doctor.

So I went to Whole Foods and got some natural progesterone cream. (Make sure you get some that is not soy based as that can just compound any estrogen dominance. Do some research as well on what is good to get.) I got a pre-measured pump kind just so that I'd make sure to use the correct amount. It has been the difference in night and day. I had felt myself getting bad, and let it get really bad for a couple of weeks, so I know it's not just that my experience was different this time. It made a literal difference overnight. I at first hesitated to attribute it to the cream as I started it on a Thursday and Fridays just tend to be better since I know the weekend is coming. But almost three weeks have now passed and I can say it has been and continues to be a life saver. Although it does help within a day, it does seem that building up my levels was gradual. Every day was better, but this week I finally feel really normal. Possibly even extra better :o) I use it twice a day. Normally you would use it three weeks on, one week off, but since I am nursing and not needing to ovulate, I need to find out if I should also take a break for a week or not.

I anticipated it being rough this time. Ever since Caleb was born I've had someone, either my mother in law or my sister, that has kept my kids for me one day a week. For the past two years it's often been both. My mother in law would keep the little kids one day giving me a day with the big kids for cleaning, school, etc. and my sister has kept some or all and taken them out to do something fun. (Now you all know my secret :o) I freely admit it makes a huge difference knowing I have that break coming every week. For almost a year now, it's been sporadic with my mother in law as she's had her parents and then her mother in law living with them and having to provide pretty much round-the-clock care, but my sister was very consistent. Until she went to Romania to do a DTS. For six months. Right when Grace turned three months old. So right when I anticipated the depression hitting, I went from having a weekly break for eight years to having one of my closest friends leave for six months and having no regular all-day break from the kids whatsoever. (Well, other than Glen, who is a huge help. But you know what I mean.) Even their one day a week home school group was out for the summer. I had briefly entertained the idea of (gasp!) a mother's day out program in the fall, but I know for me, for our family, that is not what God wants me to do, so I'm not. I know it's all part of the process of Him continuing to work in me more of Himself and work out of me more of my self-centeredness. You know, that whole refining part of following Jesus that we like to conveniently try and get out of. So for me this is not an option.

But you know, God has been gracious, and even making this transition in the middle of dealing with ppd has been relatively easy. The depression has not been easy, but just being home daily with all the kids without a weekly "break" has been good. In all honesty, it's something I've known I need to do for a very long time. I know I've talked some on here about my process of learning to like to be at home. For me, especially in my early years of having children, always being on the go, always being busy, always having somewhere I could send my kids instead of having to deal with them, allowed me to not have to face a good bit of selfishness, laziness, and just plain junk in me that needed to be dealt with. And even though facing my stuff and my self-centeredness is not fun, nor is it easy, it is what we are called as Christ-followers to do. And I want to live a surrendered life, I want to become more like Him, so I'm pressing in. And I'm finding even in the difficulty, it is such a sweet place to be.