mothering in grace

the baby that couldn't nurse and what happened to her mom ~

2011-11-29T00:08:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking about this post for awhile.

Should I write it? Should I not?
It's not like I'm really "over it," so what do I say?

Ultimately it's a very big part of my life right now and my will always be part of my story with Everly. Yeah, the blog is public and all, but it's also my mini-diary, so I need to tell it. For my sake.

...cue the tears. Again.

Everly doesn't nurse. There. I said it. I, who have nursed all seven of my other children, and nursed two of them well into toddler-hood now have a formula fed baby. Judge me. I'd say I don't care, but I do. A lot. A whole lot.

I've spent hours at night alternating between shaking my fist at God and then curling up into a ball of tears crying, "Papa, why? Why won't you fix this?" I never knew it would be this hard. This emotional. Sometimes I have felt almost bi-polar or something. I have swung between being able to trust the Lord in it and being peaceful (albeit still very sad) to being very emotional. I think I cried through worship at church for a good 10 weeks straight. At least. Even now it takes me about 30 seconds to be in tears if I really let myself go. I can mostly talk about it pretty matter-of-fact but it doesn't take much for me to let myself "go there" and have to fight back the tears. Mostly I am okay now. But it's pretty much because I'm just kind of numb.

Glen has been nice, he's been understanding. But he doesn't get it. He's a guy. I guess I can't blame him.

I feel like I have failed my daughter.

When I listen to the lies of the enemy I hear things like:

"She doesn't need you."

"She doesn't even want you."

"If she gets sick it's all your fault."

"If she isn't as smart as the other kids it's all your fault."

"You shouldn't have been so prideful about nursing your other kids."

"If you had only, if you had only, if you had only..."

Sure, I can tell myself they are lies. And they are. They are not.true. I know that in my heart of hearts. But it's still super hard to ignore them. When you go to nurse your daughter and all she does is get really mad and scream it's really hard to not listen to those malicious whispers. When you read all those studies about how good nursing is and how evil formula is it's really hard to not wonder if maybe, just maybe she wouldn't have that stuffy nose. It sucks. Bad.

Part of my problem lies in guilt. Should I have tried harder? Should I have tried longer? Should I not have tried to wean her from using the shield? (She would nurse from a shield the first few weeks.) Maybe she really is tongue tied and if I'd just taken her to the doctor it never would have been a problem. Should I have kept the pump I rented longer? Should I have been willing to sacrifice several hours of every day to pump?

My other difficulty is that I'm not settled in how to view the situation. Should I view it as satan trying to steal something from me? Should I have prayed "against it" more? Or do I believe that for some reason I may never know she didn't need to nurse. That for some reason it was better for her to have formula. Glen has celiac, all of our kids have gluten sensitivity. But I eat gluten. Maybe it would have caused a huge problem for her and it's the Lord being merciful and protecting her. (Cue the guilt in that situation.) Maybe with our family dynamics right now (busy with a very wide range of ages and things going on) the Lord knew she would be just fine with formula and in this season I needed to be able to leave her at home for some reason. Maybe she is being protected from something. I.don't.know. And right now He isn't telling me (um, I might have a few issues with that too....)

So, how I'm dealing: Ultimately I'm just trusting God. It's all I can do. I can't figure out why (I have my theories; ultimately I think she has a significant tongue tie so even though she can nurse and did for a few weeks it's very hard for her and she learned to prefer a bottle) and it doesn't seem that I can change it. I still have milk. I still try occasionally. I'm hoping maybe one day as she gets older she'll just decide it isn't so bad.

And mostly I'm believing that if Jesus could turn water into wine, and the Giver of Good Gifts won't give his children a stone when they ask for bread, that he absolutely can turn that formula into the perfect food for her. He can make it good. And He is good. This I know to be true. So it's okay. I'm going to be okay. She's going to be okay. And it's okay for me to be sad. I will probably always be sad. But there is not a day that goes by that I wish I could just go back and start over.

So if you see me giving my baby a bottle, or the next time you see a mom giving her baby a bottle; don't judge and don't make assumptions. Just give her a big smile and pray she doesn't turn into a puddle of tears.

...and for anyone interested in the details, I'm going to detail it all out right here so if for some reason I ever need to remember the progression of things that led down this path I'll have it all written down.

the birth of everly ~

2011-11-28T22:56:00.001-06:00

Wow, it's been awhile since I've done one of these. Everly's birth was kind of non-dramatic and I just realized I hadn't written about it! Seeing as how I want to remember all the details it's pretty long. Fair warning.

I've re-hashed the whole early baby/late baby thing numerous times here, so suffice it to say that when you've had five approximately two-week-early babies, one exactly-on-time baby, and one 15 day late baby that you just don't really know what to expect. I was particularly uncomfortable at the end of this pregnancy (and bored, SO bored) that I was really hoping she would be early. She must have been awfully comfy in there because I now have two late babies. At least it was only three days and not fifteen. Whew.

To start at the beginning, I just didn't have it in me for a home birth this time. I didn't feel peaceful about it at all. Haven and Grace were both 9 1/2 lbs (at 15 days late and 13 days early, respectively) and they were both posterior. You can read about their births here and here. Not only were they hard physically (especially Haven's, his was pretty dramatic involving zero pushing stage and being born in the caul) but especially mentally. My midwife was and is amazing, getting both of them to turn during labor, but it made for long, uncomfortable labors. I have diastasis pretty badly which I believe contributed to them being posterior and in the event Everly was going to also be posterior I wanted the option of an epidural. So I went back to my ob that delivered my first three children and initially referred me to my midwife. I'm so glad I did. It was a great experience. And what is up with having THREE 9 1/2 lb babies in a row? Seriously??

Everly's pregnancy was hard. I don't think I'd call it my hardest, but it was tiring. My indigestion was worse than ever before (not that anyone cares, but I'm writing all this done for posterity's sake :). ) I did all my regular freezer cooking and nesting and by about two weeks prior to her due date I was ready. Alas, she was not. So I sat there. For two weeks. Wondering if today was the day. It *was* the beginning of the school year so I had some stuff to occupy me, but I had planned it light not knowing when little Evelyn Rose would make her appearance so it wasn't too big of a deal. I was so bored. SO bored. But I resisted the offers of my doctor to induce me whenever I would like. He said he was just trying to help me not have to birth another big baby. I said thanks, but no thanks. Those first few minutes and hours of realizing it's finally happening are priceless. Definitely worth waiting for. It's my favorite part of pregnancy pretty much. So exciting.

My due date, Thursday, 15 September, came and went. I remember posting on facebook on Friday night how odd it felt to be waiting to pick up my two oldest kids from a youth group event while being overdue with another sweet baby. I definitely never imagined I'd be having babies when I had kids in youth group!

On Saturday I had made plans with my aunt to have lunch and go see The Help. I had secret thoughts of going into labor during the movie but was mentally staying prepared for another very late baby. We had a great lunch at Red Lobster and then headed to the theatre. Sure enough, about halfway through I realized I was having some contractions. Yes! I discreetly checked my phone and realized that from the onset they were every ten minutes apart. So I texted Glen and was so content sitting there with my little secret. When the movie was over I promptly went to the restroom where I discovered that it was definitely the real thing. I informed my aunt who was going to be the one to keep our kids that she should probably go home and be on call. She lived with my great aunt and took care of her so we had made plans that my sister Kristen and her husband would come over if it was during the night and my aunt and great aunt would come out in the morning.

I stopped by the store to grab some stuff, went home, did laundry, straightened up, and told the kids. My contractions pretty much quit while I was moving around but I was losing my mucous plug so I knew things were moving along. I also realized that she was posterior (she had been anterior up until the last couple of weeks) so I figured it would be another long-ish labor. I actually really felt that she was more sideways and had mentioned this to my doctor.

(In hindsight I should have known. That Sunday was our church's day at a nearby YMCA camp which is super fun. The kids had been looking forward to it all year and I had said so many times that unless we were actually having a baby on. that. very. day. that we would go. Uh huh. We had a baby that day. Poor kids. They took it well. At least it was raining and they didn't miss out on too much.)

The kids went to bed, Glen and I watched a movie and then went to bed. I think I slept for about an hour. My contractions were getting stronger and closer together. I didn't want to call my sister or wake up Glen because I just wasn't quite ready to be that official yet. So I sat in the tub and was beginning to have to really breathe through contractions and was having alternating thoughts of wanting to just stay in the tub and thinking I need to get to the hospital so I can get an epidural already. I should have realized that was a pretty clear sign to go. Thankfully Glen realized it and said we should probably go. Not that the birth was imminent or anything but after Haven's literal falling out I think he's just a little nervous. :)

So we headed to the hospital. The triage nurse asked (in my opinion kind of disbelieving, like she gets women in all the time "thinking" they are in labor) if I *thought* I was in labor. I was thinking, "Lady, this is my eighth baby. Trust me, I'm in labor." But I just smiled and said that yes, I thought I probably was. She soon discovered I was about six-seven centimeters so that earned me a trip upstairs to labor and delivery.

Let me back up and say that I was super nervous about having a hospital birth. Ethan was my last hospital birth and he is about to be ten. Since then I've become (mostly) anti-vaccine and anti-intervention and I had a lot of concern over how that was going to go down. After lots of asking questions on facebook I really felt the Holy Spirit telling me to just trust the Father, to pray for favor, and to not worry. So I did that and was able to quit obsessing.

So when I got to the hospital and they gave me the hospital gown I told them I would really prefer to wear my own clothes. And they were totally fine with it. Totally. They were understanding, accepting, and even sometimes downright supportive of my preferences. I am so thankful to have had no issues whatsoever. The only thing was that they insisted on giving her a bath in the nursery and keeping her under the lights for an hour. I wasn't okay with that. I thought I could keep her just as warm and I had visions of her lying there hungry and crying and them refusing to bring her to me until the hour had passed. So we just declined the bath and no problem.

Anyway, when I got upstairs we went through the general questions and of course all the comments about Everly being number eight. They know my midwife there and I think they found it humerous that I really just wanted a hospital birth for the epidural. So they got me hooked up and I remember just lying there in the very early morning hours (I had prayed to go into labor and make the trip to the hospital at night, I just love it that way. It just feels so secret-ish.) watching the contractions growing longer and closer and peaking on the monitor and thinking, "Thank You, Jesus, for epidurals." True story. I said it numerous times. I was dead serious, too. I did have a moment of pride when the nurse told me I was a good 7 (before the epidural) and asked if I always acted like nothing was really going on when I was at 7. Ha. Made me feel good even though I was being a weenie about it this time around.

The night passed and as morning came I began to be in a lot of pain. Like I-may-as-well-have-been-at-home kind of pain. The epidural. guy had to come back like four times. I was having significant pain very low in the front *and* back which was new to me. I can only imagine what that would have felt like completely sans epidural and at home. I think I really believe that's why I needed to go to the hospital this time.

Finally they got me dosed up and then it was time. Yay! I had been concerned about possibly having to push out a posterior baby. Susie (the midwife) was always able to get them to turn but I knew with an epidural and laboring just sitting in the bed that I couldn't count on that happening. But I am glad to say that aside from the whole no-pushing thing with Haven it was by far my easiest pushing stage. Five minutes. Tops. I think three pushes. SO easy. I did need a couple of stitches but it wasn't a big deal. And she came out sideways. That's what the doctor said. Sideways. That explains the pain in the front AND back, I think.

She was and is perfect. Aside from my particularness (is that a word?) the rest of the visit was normal and we were allowed to leave the next morning. I spent a good amount of time worrying that first night about how I was going to decline having my blood drawn the next morning (I didn't feel it was necessary and WHY do they always come in at like 4:30am???) but when the tech came in I groggily said, "I"m declining having my blood drawn," and she gave me a quizzical look, turned around and left. No one ever said anything about it. I think they knew I just wanted to have my baby and be left alone. :)

So that's it. The birth of little Evs. Life since then had been anything *but* my typical new baby adjustments but that story is for another time.

Welcome to the world, sweet Everly. We are so glad you are here. You are perfect, and you were born at just the right time.

my grace girl~

2011-11-12T00:04:00.001-06:00

My sweet Grace girl. A little more girly-girl than the other girls were; maybe that's why it seems different. A 12:15am post isn't really adequate to encompass Grace in all her Grace-ness, but these few photos are a pretty good summary. She can go from sweet baby girl to mischevious to karate chopping to hilariously fun in about two seconds and I absolutely love that about her. She is fully confident in doing her own thing but she and Haven are also two peas in a pod for sure. And yes, everyone here still thinks she is sooo cute despite having a little competition lately. Two and half years later and I could still eat her up. She's my "babes." I just...there are no words.

sweet two year old birthday

"Us? We haven't been doing anything. Really!"

"Ichi, ni, san shi.
Check out the awesome karate moves, people."

"I'm ready for church, are you?
It's July? Your point?"
(yes I took her like this and yes it was awesome)

She likes to watch "woovies."

She calls Everly "Little Evs" and says, "Aw, she's sooo coote."

She wants "chocate milk" first thing in the morning
(but please don't tell her I just put a tiny bit of powder)

She wants to "swuggle" every night before Dad puts her in bed.

She always wants to "pway games" on the phone.

She can dance like nobody's business.
~ thank you, Kristen and Trevor :)

She's quite entertaining to do laundry with
as she likes to tell you exactly who every item belongs to.

She says, "Caweb, Etan, Riah."

She knows exactly what she wants to wear
(as evidenced above.)

She could cut paper all day long and apparently
has amazing fine motor skills
since she can turn one piece into about a thousand as she sits and cuts each piece with the utmost precision.

And last for this evening, but not least,
she and Haven are so sweet together.
As soon as they are reunited after class at church
they hug and give each other pictures.
And Haven almost always saves part of his snack for her.
Super sweet.

Two year olds are awesome.

little evs~

2011-11-09T19:17:00.007-06:00

Introducing...

Evelyn Rose

"Everly"

18 September 2011

10:53 AM

9# 8oz

What a little sweetie she is. Sometimes when I snuggle her up under my chin I am so overcome.

My heart is full. She is so precious.

a bit of news~

2011-01-12T10:36:00.005-06:00

Anyone on facebook has experienced the obsession with coming up with clever status updates. (Unless you haven't. Then I will feel stupid. Please tell me I'm not the only one.)

I will confess I spent a bit of time wondering what I would say on facebook when (if) we found out we were pregnant again.

I don't know...*is* eight enough? (Remember the old tv show?)

Announcing that developmental plans are in the works for Hutchison model #8, set to debut in September 2011.

So, wondering if the pattern will hold...

That was definitely two pink lines.

Honestly I was in a state of shock so the only one I could come up with at the time was the pattern. I didn't even announce it the same day but that was still all I could come up with. People caught on right away though. So funny. I don't know any other family that has a pattern going on like we do, so we'll see. Actually, we kind of "need" to fulfill two patterns. With conflicting genders. While our immediate family pattern is girl, boy, boy, girl, boy, boy, girl... Glen's extended family has girls born in groups of three. We have Grace, my sweet sister in law Elizabeth is having her first girl after five boys, so we really need another girl to keep that pattern going. ;) I actually have a solution for that that doesn't involve twins.

In related news....

I mentioned I was in a bit of shock when I found out I was pregnant again. Silly? Probably so. I had thought if I were going to be pregnant that I would be able to find out at Christmas. The kids have been saying they really want to have another baby so I thought I'd do a test on Christmas so we could tell them then if I was. In theory, I should have been able to have a positive test then, but I didn't. It was negative. So I just put the thought out of my mind. Even though I felt the Lord had told me I would be pregnant in December. But more on that later. It didn't occur to me until last week that I was pretty late. So I got a test out of my Dollar Tree stash (doesn't everyone have a pregnancy test stash?) and when it turned positive I proceeded to use the other three tests as well as having Glen pick up another two pack of tests on the way home. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who requires at least four tests in order to believe it's real...)

I'm kind of making light about this, but the reason I was in a bit of shock is actually quite important. To just lay it out there, Glen and I had just begun the process of adopting a little girl in Eastern Europe that has down syndrome. I hope to do a whole post on it soon (famous last words) but there is so much there that I don't really want to bog this post down with it. Suffice it to say that it was a somewhat sudden decision (we had adoption in the back of our minds and had almost moved on it a few years ago right before we found out we were pregnant with Haven) but it wasn't currently on the horizon. Or so we thought. Until we learned of an organization called Reece's Rainbow. I'll write more on them separately as well, but we had sponsored a little girl in their Christmas Angel Tree program and right at Christmas Glen and I both very strongly felt like the Lord was leading us to move forward in adopting her. The way it came about is really amazing to us and I cannot describe to you how my heart immediately opened to her like one of my own children. I know there are a lot of problems with the "rescue mentality" in adoption and while I understand that, when it comes to the Reece's Rainbow kids and others like them, there is most definitely an element of "rescue" to it. I'm not educated enough to talk about it much, but I will provide some details in a follow up post.

So needless to say, finding out I was pregnant was a bit of a shock. We had taken a pretty big first financial step but now we are finding out that the pregnancy is going to quite possibly put those plans on hold. I'm going to be really honest when I say this has been extraordinarily difficult for me. I never really understood what it was to wrestle with God. And while I know many people are in much more difficult "wrestlings" that doesn't negate my feeling like I've been ripped apart emotionally. I have worked through quite a bit of it, but every time I get some new information that takes us closer to having to wait and further away from this precious little one I feel like a wound is being ripped open. I have walked in sweet relationship with the Father long enough to know I can absolutely, one hundred percent trust Him and His plan and that His ways are higher than mine and He sees the big picture while I do not. But that doesn't make it feel much better.

So while I very much rejoice at the new little life He is giving us, a part of my heart is grieving for a little girl worlds away that is going to possibly have to wait a while longer for her family. And part of that grief is the knowledge that it may not actually be in the Lord's big picture for us to be her family. And while I most definitely want His will for her life to be accomplished, a part of me is sad to think that might look different than what I desire. I know He doesn't make mistakes, and I know He has a plan for both of these little ones' lives, I just wish I could see the whole thing. Right now would be good.

Sorry this sounds like such a downer update. My emotions are still really just kind of raw feeling and all over the place. But we are very much excited at the idea of a new baby. And a 2 1/2 year gap between kids? Whatever are we going to do? ;)

preparing for babypart 6nesting~

2011-01-12T09:11:00.003-06:00

(for the first five posts in the series click the banner)

We'll just overlook the fact that it's taken me almost seven months to write all these posts. I could have practically had another baby by now. Ahem.

Cleaning. It sounds better when you call it nesting. Well, maybe not better, but not quite so boring. I've learned something about myself over the last thirteen years. While I love organizing, I hate cleaning. Okay, strongly dislike. I definitely enjoy the end result, but give me the choice of a sparkling clean house and a good book and the book wins hands down every. single. time. I'm not sure how much I should fight that and just suck it up and be responsible or just give in.

Anyway.

I most definitely like to have things in order before the arrival of a new baby, so once the pantry and the freezer are stocked I like to (pretty) methodically clean my house. Honestly, it's been so long (almost two years!) since I've done a pre-baby clean that I've kind of forgotten my methods. Either that or I can officially claim pregnant brain. (Did I just say that out loud?) Regardless, I don't really have much mental energy to put into laying it all out. Plus, everyone has different methods and levels of cleanliness that they like so there probably isn't a one-size-fits-all method.

So, here is what I do. I think.

Clean all the baseboards.

(For some reason this is the one thing my brain desperately needs to be done for me to feel I'm ready. I seriously used to crawl around on my hands and knees wiping them down and scraping up all the dust between the baseboard and the carpet but since I got a fabulous vaccum that has a super easy to use attachment this job has been upgraded from whenever I have a baby to whenever I vaccum. But I'm not confessing to how much more frequent that may actually be. :)

On a side note, I have read an interesting theory that God built the nesting instinct into expectant mothers to motivate them to stretch and maneuver their bodies into positions that help the baby settle into an optimal position for birth. I'm not sure how my last two posterior babies fit into that theory (except that we hired a friend to do quite a bit of the cleaning for me when I was pregnant with Grace and Haven was SO LATE that I had done all that cleaning a good six weeks earlier.) However, I do find it an intriguing theory that I tend to believe.

(Focus, Shyla, focus.)

Okay.

Clean the baseboards.

Clean all the windows and sills.

Clean the porch. Which now includes scrubbing chicken poop. I am still undecided if having chickens is worth the whole poop-on-the-porch problem or not.

After that I tend to break it down by room.

Kitchen:

~Wipe down the cabinets and appliances.

~Clean out the microwave

~Clean the oven (if you feel like it, which I usually don't)

~Re-organize the cabinets.

~Make labels for where things go if you (like me) seem to be the only person around who knows where things belong.

~Scrub around the edges of the cabinets and the refrigerator

~Clean the floor

Family Rooms:

~Re-organize anything that needs to be organized.

~Clean floor.

~Show people where re-organized things go and hope they remember. Possibly make aforementioned labels if appropriate.

~Dust.

~Clean out closets.

Office/Desk Area:

~Organize desk.

~Go through files, etc. and toss what you don't need.

~Stack up anything you don't necessarily need to deal with so it at least looks nice. Yes, this is a genuine method. Hush.

Bedrooms:

~Go through closets and organize, trash, give away.

~Weed through kids' ~~junk~~ toys and stuff when they aren't home. If you're worried they might miss it, toss it in a box temporarily and if they've not noticed after a while make a little trip to the Goodwill.

~Go through bed side tables and put away books and anything else that needs to be taken care of.

~Dust. ::sigh::

~Make sure you have baby stuff ready. Obviously.

Basement/Garage:

~Close your eyes. Tell yourself it's your husband's territory. Don't worry about it. Other than maybe cleaning out the extra refrigerator so you don't get grossed out. Consider paying one of your older kids to do this. Actually, consider paying your older kids to do anything in any of these categories. Bribery works too. Not that I have experience in that or anything. I've just heard.

That's it. That's all I've got. Feel free to let me know if I missed anything glaringly obvious. If I think of anything significant that I forgot I'll come back and add it in. Especially since at the rate my brain seems to be moving these days I may just need the posts to remind myself of what to do later on this year.

I'd also love to hear what *you* do!

Post with details coming soon...pinky promise.

merry christmas~

2010-12-23T11:45:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

I know the photo is blurry; but as is the story of my entire year

I don't really have time to try and figure out how to fix it

so it's just going to have to be the thought that counts :)

Feel free to click through to see a better version!

(and thank you to the amazing lillian b photography for our first ever family photos...we love them!)

in which i disappear~

2010-10-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

What can I say? I'm busy. But as I hopped over here today I realized how woefully out of date things are. So....I have (loosely held) hopes to clean things up a bit and post a little in the near future. Geez, I still haven't even finished the Preparing for Baby posts but I think all I really have left is cleaning part.

Anyway...see you soon? (ish)

in which i disappear~

2010-10-13T16:29:00.001-05:00

preparing for babypart 5stocking the freezer and easy meals~

2010-06-25T16:46:00.002-05:00

~for previous posts in the series, click on the banner :)

There is no way that I had an evening to myself on Wednesday and enjoyed sitting outside at Panera working on this post for over an hour only to have the computer freeze up on me and lose the entire thing. Stuff like that never happens to me; just in case you were wondering.

eh~

It is without question that having meals on hand after the birth of a baby are tremendously helpful. It is equally helpful to have things on hand to make creating those meals easy. Multiple births have taught me that the time and energy invested are most definitely worth it.

I like to stock my freezer with a lot of meals. Around 34-36 weeks, or whenever I am mostly done with the other preparations (except cleaning) I plan what I want to make for my freezer. I sit down and make a list of meals my family enjoys that are freezer friendly. I plan a cooking day (usually a Saturday for me) and figure out how much I can reasonably accomplish in one day. I make a list of what I will need from the store, (don't forget disposable ziploc bags and foil pans!) and do my shopping a couple of days in advance.

Ideally you will be able to get a lot of prep work done before your cooking day (chicken cooked/shredded, meat browned, veggies chopped, etc.) but if you can't then just plan it into your day. No worries.

I wish I could give you some really great tips on freezer cooking. Sadly, that is not really my area of expertise. I just get it done. I try and be as efficient as possible, but it's really just been trial and error. Every time I do it it gets easier. And this is something I actually try and do at least a couple of times of year, even when I'm not pregnant. It's just really helpful. Some really resourceful and impressive people do it on an ongoing basis, always doubling or tripling recipes and sticking the extras in the freezer. Hopefully I'll be that impressive one day, but for now this works for me. I can't really get my brain around adding anything else to my life right now. :)

While I mainly just use my own recipes that I've gathered from all over the place, one book in particular that helped me a lot the first few times I did it was Don't Panic - Dinner's In the Freezer. I really only used a handful of the recipes (though there were a lot that sounded promising) and tweaked them to my liking. But reading about the process was really helpful.

And if the idea of big cooking day ~~makes you panic~~ is a bit overwhelming, just having some things in your freezer to simplify meal making is really handy. If I were only going to do some very basic freezer preparations I would have pre-cooked, shredded chicken in ziploc bags (Dear Costco, I love you.), browned hamburger and onion pre-measured into ziploc bags of approximately 1lb each, and various chopped, frozen veggies. I would also have some frozen fruit since we like to make a lot of smoothies. Just having these basic things will enable you to throw together quite a few meals quickly. Even more so if you have dry ingredient mixes already prepared for things like chicken pot pie, casseroles, etc. and broth on hand to put together soups, stews, or chili.

(To get a glimpse of what the end of my pregnancy and some of the freezer prep I did with Grace, read here. You have to scroll down a bit to get past the pregnancy update but down a ways is a good picture of what life looks like around here toward the end of my pregnancies.)

Here is a list of what I made before I had Grace just to give you some ideas. If you click on recipes, it will take you to some of these.

6 meatloaves (yep, with hidden zucchini again...shhh)
4 chicken casseroles
3 sesame chicken
3 chicken enchiladas
2 bags chicken in raspberry walnut vinagarette (edit: won't use this again, it was not good as a marinade!)
2 bags chicken in some other marinade I can't remember :o)
4 bags beef brisket
15lbs browned hamburger with onions
10c. cooked, shredded chicken
some hot dogs and beef smoked sausage for easy, fast meals (i know, i know...yuck. but i have kids, people. kids)
turkey bacon & turkey sausage

several bags frozen chicken tenderloins
we still have a huge amount of beef from the cow we split with my dad
a ridiculous amount of frozen veggies
a stack of pizzas and gluten free pizza crusts
frozen waffles & french toast sticks
whole rotesserie chickens in freezer ready to be thawed and reheated; which they do beautifully

Next time I will probably make some of the same stuff and also some different things. Some other ideas and meals I made in my first trimester (which we ate during the fall and winter months) were:

cheesy chicken vermicelli
chicken & rice soup
white chicken chili
chicken casserole
chicken tenderloins frozen in egg to make homemade chicken tenders quickly
chicken pot pie
lentil soup
tortilla soup

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is also nice to make a list of fairly easy to make meals to be able to reference when you just can't seem to think of anything to make. Meal planning is really great, and I would love to do it more often, but truthfully, I don't do it nearly as often as I could. Okay, okay. I rarely do it. I generally have an idea in my head of what I might possibly make, but I am not a meal planner on a regular basis. So it is helpful for me to keep a list on hand (I tape it inside one of my cabinets) of meals I can usually put together from things in my pantry and freezer.

These are a few of the meals that are pretty easy around here. Usually.

spaghetti

tacos

sloppy joes

chili

(these are considered easy since I keep browned beef in the freezer)

anything grilled - fish, burgers, grilled chicken

baked potatos with various toppings

breakfast food

rice with creamed chicken and veggies

roast

and obviously anything I can pull out of the freezer, already made :)

What foods and meals do you like to have on hand?

preparing for babypart 4pantry items~

2010-06-19T09:27:00.015-05:00

Find Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of the Preparing for Baby Series here

So we've covered first trimester preparation, baby stuff, and non food items. Next comes the tricky part. Pantry items. Again, you'll want to take into consideration your budget, storage space, and your family's needs and habits. This is where your list could vary greatly from mine. The point is that you will want to figure out what non-perishable/staple food items your family uses on a regular basis and how much of a stockpile you want to have on hand.

Now, we like to have some food stockpiled anyway, so it just made sense to add some to it. Like before, I was aiming for an approximate six month stockpile. And like before, on some things I overestimated :) That worked out okay since we like to keep food on hand (our power goes out frequently; three times in the last two weeks, in fact!)

Since I tend to have my babies pretty early (no haters, I did have a 15 day late baby!) I like to have everything done by 38 weeks at the latest. This includes everything previously mentioned, and also my house completely clean and in order. I save the cleaning for last (since with seven kids it's not like it's actually going to stay that way for long.) I also like to take the cleaning kind of slow (seeing as how 9 1/2 babies inside a 5'2" body don't lend themselves to cleaningly quickly, easily, or comfortably) so some of it overlaps with the other stuff, but I'll get to that eventually. Hopefully. (This is taking more work than I anticipated.)

Back to the point. Between 30 and 32 weeks I like to get the non-food items stocked up. Then around 32-34 weeks I like to get the pantry items stocked up. It's not like the timetable is set in stone, it just kind of gets me organized and gives me a general goal to aim for.

First, you will want to go through your cupboards and make a list of all the non-perishable food items you use regularly. Figure out how much you want to have on hand (taking into account that if you prefer tutorrosso crushed tomatos with basil that are typically on the bottom shelf and shoved behind the regular tomatos your husband will probably not have the patience to find them and will come home with regular diced tomatos instead. Not that my husband would ever do anything like that. But still, you should consider it. Ha ha) And make your list accordingly. Do make sure you pay attention to expiration dates if you are aiming long term so that you don't end up with expired pretzels and have an internal dilemma over whether or not it's acceptable to give them to the church pantry since you did eat some and they taste fine. But still. (Don't worry, I didn't give them to the church pantry.)

To give you some ideas, this is what my list with Grace looked like:

*premixed cornbread bags (my husband has celiac and therefore I have to make things with alternative flours. The cornbread we make is a combination of several different things, so I mix all the dry ingredients up and store them in quart ziplocs so when we want cornbread we just grab a bag, add the wet ingredients, and bake. Otherwise, I would never get around to making cornbread. Which he loves. Sorry, that was a long paragraph.)

*premixed chicken pot pie topping bags (re-read above description)

*premixed biscuit mix (same thing. Are you observing a pattern? If you frequently bake things that require multiple dry ingredients, it is super helpful to mix large batches and store them in grab and go bags. I do this regularly, otherwise I would never bake anything. I already said that, sorry.)

*24 jars spaghetti sauce

*48 boxes of gluten free spaghetti (We use two at a time, we eat spaghetti approximately once a week, therefore to have around six months' supply I needed 48.)

*taco shells

*tortilla chips

*taco seasoning mix

*sugar

*salt/pepper

*flour/baking powder/etc.

*baking soda

*6 bottles of ketchup

*24 bags of pretzels

*6 boxes of tea bags

*bacon bits (baked potatos are an easy, quick, and filling meal)

*12 large cans fruit cocktail (its a lot cheaper to buy in #10 cans and I just rinse it really well)

*96 cans of corn (we've since switched to mostly frozen vegetables, so next time I will be stocking up on those instead. We do have an extra freezer which I would highly suggest getting if you are able. We got ours on craigslist. But it's still a good idea to keep canned foods on hand as well in case of power outages.)

*48 cans of peas

*24 cans of carrots

*12 cans petite cut diced tomatos

*12 cans each black, pinto, and kidney beans

*tomato basil soup ingredients

*96 cans baked beans

*chocolate chips

*granola bars

*baking m&ms

*24 containers of peanuts

*icing

*bbq sauce

*various other salad dressings, marinades, etc. that I might use

*popcorn and paper bags (we pop regular popcorn in brown paper bags)

*a ridiculous amount of cereal

*an equally ridiculous amount of oatmeal

*2, 25lb bags of rice

*12 jars peanut butter

*2-3 jars of honey

*we get canned jelly from my grandparents, but you'll want this too if you eat a lot of jelly)

*tamari sauce (gf soy sauce)

*vinegars/cooking wine/etc.

*spices
*garlic

*you get the point

This was my basic list. I'm sure I thought of other things while I was at the store. Costco was great for quite a few of these things. I also use Amazon quite a bit for some of this stuff.

Up next, stocking the freezer...

preparing for babypart 3non food items~

2010-06-18T18:19:00.017-05:00

Click on the banner to read all of the Preparing For Baby Series

When I was expecting my first baby I was working full time. I continued to do that until the day before she was born. My preparations looked like any first time mother's. I registered, had a couple of baby showers, got the room ready, and that was about it. It never occured to me to do much else...

Until the night before she was born. I (ignorantly) decided to be induced for no good reason other than impatience, so I knew the next day was the day. I rushed around like a crazy lady trying to get everything clean. There wasn't really a whole lot I needed to do since it was just Glen and myself at home, but I did want to have everything nice, clean, and in order. (Which ended up coming in handy since I couldn't walk for two weeks. But that's a different story...) It didn't occur to me to have meals prepared or extra supplies on hand. Now, with a first baby (and possibly even a second) it wasn't a huge deal to not have much prepared or stocked up, but once you hit that third baby, it is quite advantageous to put a little forethought into baby preparation.

So I approach baby preparation with these things in mind:

*not having to get my husband to have to pick up anything other than perishables in the days following the birth

*having enough paper products and non perishables food items on hand to last for awhile to make shopping trips with an infant as infrequent and quick as possible

*having some meals in the freezer for those days

*having supplies and ingredients for quick meals on hand

*having the clothes organized, bedding ready, and house cleaned

I am an intense nester. After that intial first trimester cooking spree, it kicks in again around week 18 when we find out the gender (earlier in the case of Grace.) Once I know boy or girl the clothes are out, washed and folded by 20 weeks. Seriously. With Grace, since I found out way early, I think I had clothes out by like 16 weeks. But that's my OCD shining through. I don't think that's normal. I have friends that can be overdue and say things like, "I guess I should get some clothes out of the attic," or (cannot imagine in a million years) don't even find out what they're having! I feel faint even thinking about it :)

Anyway, the first things I begin to stock up on are paper goods and other non-food items. I do this starting around 30 weeks or so. I usually spread it out over a few weeks of shopping and often will get coupons from the coupon clippers. Over the years, and as my family has grown, my goals for quantity have changed. You will need to think about your budget, your habits, how much you like shopping (considering that you will have an infant in tow and possibly other children), distance from the store, and storage space. With Grace I wanted to have a stockpile of non food items to last six months. That is probably quite a bit more than most people will want to have, but for me it was great.

This is my preparing for baby checklist #1~

Baby~

*newborn diapers

*size 1 diapers

*diapers for other children

*diaper cream/baby powder

*baby wipes

*baby lotion

*infant gas drops

*infant tylenol & motrin

*pacifiers

*bottles if needed
*lansinoh - if you are nursing, you will want this. Trust me.
*nursing pads possibly

Personal Care/Household~

*shampoo/conditioner

*soap/body wash

*hand soap and lotion

*toothpaste and toothbrushes

*razor blades/shaving cream

*any medicines you use on a regular basis
(non prescription, if you can get prescription meds in advance that's great, too)

*laundry detergent/fabric softener

*stain remover

*deodarant

*feminine products

*toilet paper

*bathroom trash bags

Kitchen~

*paper towels

*napkins

*paper plates

*kitchen trash bags

*sandwich bags

*freezer bags (quart and gallon)

*dishwashing detergent

*dishwasher detergent

That's it. I kind of miscalculated with Grace. She was the first one that I aimed for a six month stockpile. I ended up with almost a year's worth of supplies in some things! Next time, I don't think I'll be quite as ambitious in my quantities, but nevertheless it came in handy!

preparing for baby...misc

2010-06-18T10:05:00.001-05:00

tea tree, baking soda, etc.

preparing for babypart 2baby stuff~

2010-06-18T07:04:00.003-05:00

Click on the banner for the complete Preparing For Baby Series :)

I wanted to take a minute to say that these posts are by no means meant to come across as Super Mom posts. For someone that loves to be prepared and feel like things are under control then I hope they will be helpful. But some people thrive on spontanaity and have those fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants personalities; very free-spirited, and I never want to make someone feel like they are failures or don't have it all together like I do. (cough, choke, spit...ahem...) :)

I am a planner. A huge planner. I think it has something to do with my needing to feel in control of everything, but regardless of the reason, I love to plan things. I'm not always so great on the follow through, but if all else fails, at least I have a plan :)

So while there are plenty of lists to be found online about what you need to have on hand for a baby, this is my list of essentials. It's what I've figured out works for us after seven children. And it falls into the whole Preparing for Baby series by being what I like to have accomplished around twenty weeks or so. Well, the clothes and bedding part. The equipment can wait, especially if it's a first baby and you're going to be having a shower.

These are the things I have found to be actually used and needed. But, for example, I don't do baby bows or shoes. If you do, then you will want to add those to your list. On the otherhand, I do gas drops like they are liquid gold and use the bouncy seat extensively. If you're a sling kind of gal, then you may not need the bouncy seat. If you cloth diaper, you will definitely want to add those to the list. (And by the way, cloth diapering falls into the Super Mom category. Yet another reason why I am not in that category.)

Baby Clothes You Actually Need~
*Lots of pajamas. I personally like Gymboree and Gap sleepers and two piece pajama sets, but I buy them off ebay. Babies spit up and their diapers leak a lot, so you will want extra. My babies live in pajamas the first two months of their life. I like to get cute ones that are perfectly acceptable to take them out in. I like to make sure my babies stay warm, so I don't typically do onesies until they are older. Again, that's me, but other than a couple of going out outfits we just do cute pajamas. But make sure you have a lot, unless you want to be doing a lot of laundry. I have had several late spring/summer babies and I still find that 90% of the time I use long sleeved pajamas. Some lists will point out convenience issues of zippers vs gowns vs pants, etc. Honestly, I buy what I think is cute and deal with it. It's not that hard to slide baby legs in and out of pajamas. Six month olds, well, that can be a little trickier :)

*Two or three "dress up" outfits. For church, going out, whatever. But they don't need a lot. I mean, feel free to have as many as you want, but they don't actually need that many. I just like to buy the cute pajamas since that's what I see them in most of the time.

*Socks. If you use them.

That's really about it in the clothing department. Though with the state of my brain I'm probably missing something glaringly obvious, like underwear. Except that babies don't need underwear. Though for baby girls a few cute diaper covers could definitely be in order.

Bedding, Etc.~
*Five or six blankets. Not huge blankets, but just regular blankets. I tend (again) to like Gymboree and Gap blankets (again, off ebay mostly.) They are thicker and more substantial than receiving blankets, but not huge. Great for swaddling, covering up while nursing, laying flat to change a diaper, burping etc. Due to the whole spit up/diaper issue previously mentioned you'll probably want a handful.

*A few burp cloths. I don't use these a whole lot, I tend to just use the blanket, but my fabulous sister in law makes super cute ones and uses them a lot, so again, your mileage may vary. (I know, I know. I'm supposed to be telling you what you actually need but some of these things just aren't scientific.)

*Whatever you plan to use in the crib or bassinet. We use a (generously sized) bassinet for the first six months. This could be a bumper, quilt, etc. I don't necessarily think this has to be done by twenty weeks either, but for lack of a better place to put it, here it is.

*I like to have one super soft snuggly blanket for those first few weeks :)

*You may want a nursing cover. I personally don't use them as I feel like I might as well wear a sign that says, "Hey, I'm nursing over here!" But a lot of people really like them. I prefer to just use a blanket.

*The Miracle Blanket. The best swaddling blanket, hands down. If you can get past feeling like you're mummifying your baby or putting them in a straight jacket. Haven absolutely loved his. We had three or four once we realized he practically lived in them. Grace didn't really care for being swaddled, so you may want just one to start out until you figure out if your baby likes to be swaddled.

Equipment~
*A bouncy seat. If I could only have one thing it would be a bouncy seat. They are easily portable, the baby can sleep in them, and well, they're bouncy. Our babies like them. A lot.

*A swing. Some babies like them, some not so much. But we typically use one quite a bit.

*A baby carrier. I'm not so much a sling or carrier person so much at first, though they can come in quite handy at the beginning when you're going out and don't want everyone breathing on your baby. Once older, for me, the ergo is indispensable. But in the beginning I mostly ~~drag~~ carry them around in the infant seat.

*Infant seat and stroller. Not that I needed to mention it, but for the sake of being thorough, here it is on the list.

* Bassinet. We co-sleep a little in the interest of training the baby to recognize night as night (the best to do this is by sleeping and nursing while lying down at night in my opinion) but I put baby in the bassinet right next to the bed at every possible opportunity. The bassinet stays by our bed for a few weeks, then moves into the baby's room. Which at our house happens to be our large, vented, walk in closet :)

*Pack n Play. Not absolutely necessary, but great for having another place for them to learn to play when they're older.

*Exersaucer. Around 4ish months our babies have all loved their exersaucer.

*Play mat. Really comes chronologically before the exersaucer, but it's too much work to change it at this point. Our babies love and use their play mats.

*Bumbo seat. How I wish they had these when my older kids were babies. They are so much fun. And if you have super squishy babies like me, they look super cute all squished into them. We also use them for bathtime once they outgrow the baby bathtub. (Which isn't on my list of necessary items since we just kind of dunk and go.) But if you use the bumbo seat in the bath, obviously stay with your baby just in case it floats up. Which has only happened to us once. But I don't really need to tell you to stay with your baby in the bath anyway. Obviously.

*High chair. We prefer those booster kind of seats that attach to an actual chair so we can just slide it under the table. And they're portable and can be used on the ground as well so they're great for going to the park, church meals, relatives, etc.

*There are plenty of other things you may need; such as a baby gate for stairs, outlet plugs, etc. but that's not really the point of this list so you'll have to find that info somewhere else. Sorry. I've got ~~smashed grapes all over the floor since I've been ignoring Grace so that I can write~~ some cleaning up to do before Glen gets home.

That's all I've got for now. I guess if I figure out something I've left out I can always add it later. Feel free to leave a comment on what your most used and indispensable baby items are! And if you read on facebook, leave your comment on the blog so my non-facebook friends can see what you love!

preparing for babypart 1first trimester preparation~

2010-06-17T18:21:00.005-05:00

Click on the banner to read the complete Preparing For Baby series :)

I will confess I feel a bit silly. Back when I was busy preparing for Grace and was talking about it I had quite a few people ask me questions or comment on what I do to get ready, but it hasn't exactly been a topic of conversation recently. So to help me not feel quite so silly, I just want to say I decided to put all these in post form for a few different reasons. Namely, I needed to get it off the sidebar. I mean, talk about a neglected looking blog! Secondly, I want to be able to reference should there be a next time. And hopefully it will come in handy for anyone else that happens to be looking for the info; including maybe my own children one day ;)

With that said...

Preparing for a new baby is one of my favorite things to do. It helps the time pass by more quickly and helps you focus on something other than waiting and feeling blah. While I do lots of nesting and preparing toward the end of my pregnancies, another super helpful thing I've found to do is to make some freezer meals as soon as you get two pink lines. Seriously. While meals after the birth of a baby are wonderful, having meals in that first trimester when you don't feel so hot can ~~keep your family from eating pizza five nights a week~~ be such a blessing to those around you that do feel like eating.

With the advent of early pregnancy tests, it is not uncommon for women to find out they are expecting as early as four weeks. That gives most women, give or take, two to four weeks to do a little advance cooking to make that first trimester a bit easier. Longer if you're lucky.

So what I do as soon as I can is plan a cooking day. Or a couple. This really depends on the needs of your family. Not to mention how badly you are affected by morning sickness. I usually spend about two full days making some freezer meals. I plan out in advance the meals I want to prepare and make my grocery list. I then spend all day Saturday in the kitchen. And then I usually do it again. But that's because I have a big family and I really enjoy having meals on hand.

So part one is pretty straightforward. When you find out you are pregnant, make some meals for your freezer. Brown some ground beef and put it in bags in your freezer. Roast a few chickens, or take the easy way out like me and buy some from Costco, pick them, and store them in your freezer. If you're really ambitious, make broth for your freezer to have some super nutritious baby-growing food on hand for easy soups. Stock up on some items for easy meals like noodles, frozen or canned veggies, spaghetti sauce, etc.

The other thing I attempt to do after I stock my freezer and pantry, but before I start feeling yucky, is do a really good house clean and make sure we've got the whole kids and jobs things figured out pretty well. No one wants to clean when they feel yucky, and no one wants to be in a messy house when they feel yucky, so if you are able to get your house in a really good order, by all means do it.

Trust me on this one. You'll thank me for it. I just wish I had figured it out before baby number six!

To read about my cooking day adventures when I found out I was expecting Grace, read here.

how to be lazy and save money(aka) how to make homemade chicken broth~

2010-06-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I know, I'm supposed to be writing about preparing for a baby, but in trying to put that together I kept running across the fact that I keep chicken broth on hand and seeing as how I had this homemade broth brain block for so long I thought I'd just type up what I do in case some other poor soul ever comes along and things, "Wow, Shyla, thanks so much for posting that. I never knew." :)

Anyway, I was always intimidated of making homemade chicken broth. It just seemed a little too much. Right up there with grinding my own wheat and canning my own vegetables that I had grown in my very own garden. I'm busy ~~on facebook~~ raising children and homeschooling, people, what do you think I am, Super Mom? (If you do these things, and I know many women do, then you qualify for Super Mom AND Super Wife AND Super Homemaker but you should probably keep quiet so the rest of us don't throw things at you.)

I digress...

But I hated buying broth, the good kind was expensive for the amount of soup that I make, not to mention that I have to use it in making sauces for Glen with the whole celiac thing. So I finally just got over myself and asked someone. And I found out it was super easy. And then I found out I could justify doing it the lazy way.

So, this is what I do. I buy rotesserie chickens from Costco. They cost $5. They are amazingly yummy. I buy one every week and we either eat it plain (as in roast chicken) or I'll use it in a recipe. If I have time I pick off the dark meat and save it for tacos, soup, or casseroles. I throw the leftovers in a bag in the freezer. That was a lot of words to basically say that first we eat most of the meat or save it for later.

Then I throw the entire carcass into the crockpot. I cut an onion in half or fourths, toss in some carrots, garlic, and whatever else I have on hand, and let it cook on low all night. Pretty much until whenever I can get to it the next day. Then when I have time, I put my colander into another large bowl and pour everything into it. Then I take the broth, set my strainer (it's different than a colander in that it's mesh) over another large bowl, and pour it through again. My colander catches the big stuff, the strainer catches the grainy stuff. I let it cool, I skim the fat, then I pour it into containers and put it in the freezer.

Wa la. Homemade, nutritious chicken broth.

But you said be lazy AND save money.

Oh yes. The lazy part is buying the Costco chicken instead of roasting my own. For me, the savings of buying an unroasted chicken, plus spices, plus time is insignificant compared to the taste and convenience of the Costco chicken. They are delicious. And we don't usually eat them the same day. I usually reheat them a few days after I buy them and they are still yummy. The saving money part is because I estimate I can make $10 worth of the good broth from one $5 chicken.

So there you have it. You know, since you asked and all.

preparing for baby~

2010-06-17T10:16:00.002-05:00

No, this isn't an announcement :) Grace is refusing to let Aunt Flo visit (which is completely fine since we don't like her much anyway) so this is actually the first time EVER that I've had a 14month old and not been expecting again. It's kind of weird.

But, seeing as how Grace is fourteen months old and I've never updated the sidebar to remove all my baby preparations, I thought about making them into a few posts. Preparing for the arrival of a baby is something I actually feel like I've gotten down pretty well, so I thought I'd share.

And there's no way I'm choosing this topic to write about since the work is already done for me and I don't have the brain energy to deal with photos and come up with anything original. I'm never lazy like that. Geez.

Stay tuned...

in which i confess to weenie camping~

2010-04-14T06:26:00.008-05:00

I used to be a camping snob. In kind of a backwards way. I thought unless you tent camped, you weren't really camping. You know, you were just weenie camping. That was back when I only had six children ;)

Then, I got pregnant with Grace, and had a pretty serious hemhorrage while I was pregnant. I was released back to "light to normal" activity right as fall was beginning, but somehow tent camping with six kids and being pregnant didn't sound quite like something I should be doing.

Enter the pop up. It was great. Not super weenie like those mini-condo RVs. It still fell under the category of "roughing it." Sort of. I still suffered minor twinges of guilt when I would tell people we liked to camp. But gee, traveling in general with a pile of kids is not exceptionally easy, add to that preparing meals, dealing with laundry, etc. in an outdoor setting and I still felt that we qualified. At least a bit.

So for the past year and a half we camped in the pop up. And the best part was that while we used to only camp twice a year, we suddenly started camping almost once a month except for during the winter. Camping is super great for family time, and probably the best part for me is that I don't feel like I should be doing something. I can ~~be lazy~~ relax.

So when this Spring began we started looking ahead. We really enjoyed going somewhere every month, but we really wanted to go further. As in the mountains. I've never been West. (Unless you count that layover in Texas when I went on a mission trip to Mexico. I guess technically I've been West, but an airport in Dallas doesn't really count. In my opinion, anyway.) But the pop up takes awhile to set up and even longer to pack back down, so it wasn't really a viable option for a multiple stop trip. So we sold it. For a lot more money than we bought it for, actually, which was definitely a bonus. And then we started watching craigslist for (gasp) a camper. After some waiting we found one that just happened to be listed by a guy Glen has done some work for. So he gave us a great deal.

So now we have a travel trailer. As in one with a kitchen, and two sets of bunk beds, and a pull out sofa, and a separate "room" for Glen and me. And the table makes into a bed too! But guess what! It's big enough that we don't even have to take down the table at bedtime, we can leave it up the entire time! Trust me, when you've been trying to get 9 people to bed in a space where you can hardly squeeze past each other this is a Very Big Deal. We even have enough room to just hang out and play games if it's rainy. I can wash dishes, cook an actual meal, and we can even leave the pack and play set up. And it has a bathroom with a shower. This is also a Very Big Deal when you have lots of little people needing to potty. Trust me.

Since it's so big, we wanted to take it somewhere close by the first time to make sure ~~we didn't get stuck~~ ~~didn't crash into anyone~~ ~~weren't going to end up in a ditch~~ Glen could handle it easily. So this past weekend we went to a campground about an hour away that's right on a lake. My sister even stopped by one night. It was lovely. Beautiful weather, and we were right by the playground and swimming area. I lost track of how many Scrabble Slap, Chess, and Uno games I played. Grace and I even took a nap on the beach by the lake. And we didn't even crash into anything.

So there. I confess. We are now full fledged weenie campers. And I don't care one little bit. You can make fun of me. I can take it. :)

What are you doing this summer?

and she turns 1~

2010-04-13T11:35:00.000-05:00

My Dearest Grace,

Has it really been a year? How can that be? Wasn't it just yesterday you were a newborn baby snuggled up in softness with sleepy eyes and tiny clentched fists? Delighting me with sweet baby yawns and sighs. Don't you know your Mama's heart relishes your baby-ness? Don't you know you're supposed to grow up slower than other babies? Oh, how thankful I am that you are a snuggler. And even though I enjoy a good nights' sleep, there is something precious about snuggling and nursing in those sleepy dark hours. There really is.

You are such a delight to us. Do you know how many requests I have to turn down from your brothers and sisters to please wake you up early in the morning? Every day you're like a new gift. You bring us countless smiles and indescribable joy. You are such a sweet, happy baby. We love seeing your face and eyes light up when someone walks in the room. We love watching you bounce up and down with excitement when someone comes to play with you. And even though you are just now beginning to show signs of trying to crawl, we're not worried. That's how your brothers and sisters have been too. It's a great adventure to set you down and see how far you can scoot yourself :)

Children are a blessing. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full. We know it. Without a doubt. We live it every day. We are so thankful for you. We are so thankful you are here with us when you might not have been. Every day we thank the Father for the wonderful gift of Grace. You are sweet, and beautiful, and such a delight.

We love you, Precious Girl. Sweet Baby Grace.

one day you’ll look back on this and laugh~

2010-03-24T23:32:00.001-05:00

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Um, yeah. I’m sure I will. As soon as I hear that Noah and Haven have woken up to an entire gallon of milk spilled and a box of cereal thrown all over the floor by their children on a Saturday morning. And that my grandchildren danced in it. Then you’ll see me rolling on the floor :)

the big snow of 2010~

2010-03-24T22:39:00.001-05:00

I thought I may as well do a little catching up on what's been going on; other than my internal wrestlings, that is :) After all, I did intend for this to be a record of our life to look back on.

In January we had a big snow. Or maybe February. I can't actually remember. All my days tend to run together. Anyway, it was rare for where we live. We only get a snow like this every five years or so. It was perfect. The first day it was nice and fluffy. Great for throwing and making snow angels. That night it iced over and so the next day it was super hard and crunchy. Awesome for sledding (and for letting Glen be stuck at home!) As it melted over the following days it was perfect for building snowmen. It was absolutely wonderful. Where we live is kind of up on a hill, so when it snows we are often stuck for several days, even after the rest of the world goes back to normal. I will freely admit the highlight for me of snow days is Glen being home. It's so nice feeling like all you can do is be lazy and spend time together. Ahh....forget work, forget school....

We have an incredible place for sledding. From this view you go down a fairly steep hill and the snow was packed just right so that you picked up plenty of speed to continue back up the other side. It was great.

Glen and I even took a few turns.

Yes, I know I look stupid, but I hate being cold. :)

Grace thought she'd participate too :)

Glen got the next to last sled from the hardware store, and then he came home and the kids started trying to sled before the snow even started! A couple of days later he built a seven person sled, but he was the only one strong enough to drag it back up the hill.

I'm sure all you folks that live further north find this somewhat amusing, but for us it was a big deal. I could use a couple of big snows every winter :)

on submission and perspective~

2010-03-24T16:53:00.003-05:00

This post has been on my heart to write for a very long time. I've not completely felt it is the proper time to write it, but mostly I have put it off because I've not been sure how to approach it without sounding prideful. The best I can offer is just to say that in no way is it coming from a prideful place. I have not arrived; and in no way, shape, form, or fashion do I believe myself to have "gotten it." I am only sharing because I have felt like I should, but also because I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to view life this way as I feel like it is truly what helps me to survive the craziness that is my life :)

I often get asked by people "how" I do "it." Whatever "it" is. The more I've thought about that question over the years, the more I've realized it really comes down to submission and perspective.

The way I see it, we are created to glorify God. In whatever station of life we find ourselves in. My place in life is that of a wife and of a mother. These are the primary vehicles that God uses to bring about sanctification in my life. I think a lot of people's frustration in life comes from an internal struggle they've got going on in regards to what their life currently looks like. Whether it's a man that feels like he deserves more and is under-valued and under-appreciated, or whether it's a woman that is frustrated because she wants to do more with her life than just wipe bottoms and noses all day long.

The truth is that you are where you are in life for a reason. Now, you may be smack in the middle of where God wants you to be and what His plan is for you, or you may be suffering the consequences of poor decisions; but in both situations, if you are a believer, you can trust that the Lord has promised to be with you and work all things out for your good. You either believe that or you don't. And you can then choose to see God's hand in your situation and trust that He is working.

So for me, this comes down to my viewing my life and the daily processes of it (chores, homeschooling, mothering little ones, etc.) as my service to God. That sounds quite dry and stuffy, but I believe there is genuine joy and peace that can be found when one is living his or her life according to God's will. Even when His will may not currently look like what you'd prefer. In nutshell, when I am frustrated, or angry, or overwhelmed I choose to see it as what God is using at that very moment to fashion me more fully into the image of Jesus. It really does make things easier. Making peace with your life comes down to being willing to submit to what God is calling you to and choosing to be content with where He has you. I've just always been able to see the difficulties and frustrations in my life not as injustices done "to" me, but as God, in His mercy, using the difficult things to peel away selfishness.

Easier said than done. I know.

This year has been hard. I thrive on structure and routine. Grace, so far, apparently does not. So for the past 11 months every. single. day. has been a fly by the seat of your pants kind of day, and that is very, very hard for me. I have often joked that naptime is priority #1 around here, but when you have a baby that absolutely resists settling into a predictable naptime, that causes an internal crisis. So I've had a choice. Every day. I can get frustrated and angry (and many days I do!) or I can choose to see it as the Lord teaching me things. One, that I am not in control, and that* that* really is okay. That I need to be nice, even when my day doesn't go as I'd like it to. (And I think I may have had five of those "good days" in the past year!) That I can trust Him with my kids education (since I firmly believe we are supposed to be homeschooling) even when we're having a not quite ideal year. And maybe, that I shouldn't joke that naps are priority #1 when He should be :)

I've always had babies that napped well. Even though I've never had particularly good night sleepers, I've been okay with that as they've been excellent nappers. Over the years I've come to depend on naps. So maybe that's been the problem. Maybe that's why this year I'm getting to learn that it is God that strengthens and equips me and not my "quiet time." Grace has been a "you better nurse me to sleep and make sure I'm totally out of it before you lay me down" kind of baby. Which I'm not used to. We've trained our babies to lay down at a certain time, even fully awake, and be able to go to sleep easily without crying. It is highly irritating to lay a baby down time after time after time and have her repeatedly wake back up and cry. So for the past year, I've had literally hundreds of opportunities to practice patience, joy in the midst of thwarted plans, kindness when tired, gentleness when I'm ready for "me" time, and self control when I'm ready to lose it.

What all this has looked like for me recently is that every single time over the past months when I've gone to lay Grace down and she's woke up AGAIN I've had a choice; get frustrated and question God as to why He can't just make her sleep already (after all, I have all these other children that He's given me that I need to take care of) or I can view it through the lens of Him allowing her to be that way and trust that He is using that to get rid of more junk in me. Did he make her that way? I don't know. I don't think so. But I believe that He's using the difficult parts of my life to carve away (and it does feel like carving) more selfishness from me. And that perspective makes all the difference. It's all about submission to what He wants to do in me. I can fight it and be miserable and question His goodness, or I can trust Him. A long time ago I told God I would follow Him. He could have me and that I wanted Him to help me live my life worthy of Him. And that means I have to be willing to let Him work in me.

Grace is finally settling down. She has learned for the most part to fall asleep on her own, and she is beginning to settle into a routine-ish naptime. There's still a window there, between 10:30 and 1, and I never know when she'll suddenly start rubbing her eyes and I'll have to announce, "Okay, everybody eat your lunch NOW!! Grace is ready for her nap!" But it's becoming a little more predictable. Finally.

But God must have started phase 2. What I'm beginning to see is the intense phase. I have a title for it. It's called Learning to Live With A Hormonal Adolescent That Is Smart Enough To Point Out To You That You Are Guilty of the Same Things You Tell Her Not To Do. Alternately titled Getting Rid of Hypocrisy In Your Life. You think I'm joking. I'm not. Pray for me. Really hard. My Mom and I approached every day as a battle and it is a struggle for me to not replicate this between Anna and myself. This is the part where I choose to believe what God told me early on that my mothering is covered in His grace. (Which was a big enough deal for me to title my blog after.) But still. Pray for me.

I'm not perfect in walking out this perspective. I spent a good bit of time questioning Him early on. After all, this is the first year I've not had a day "off" every week. Couldn't He have at least given me an easy baby when I'm already getting used to being with my kids all day, every day? Doesn't He see that I've allowed Him to give us the children He desires and that I've sacrificed my life to homeschool them? Doesn't He remember that I didn't grow up with a good model of how to really love my children and every day is a battle for me? Doesn't He remember that He gave me this introvert personality, desperately in need of alone time and a quiet enviornment? Doesn't He see?

Of course He sees. I know that. He reminds me that He made my love language quality time and He has shown up every single second of every single day when I've looked for Him. Every. Single. Time. He has let me know that He is always, always with me. He's taught me how to feel His presence and hear His voice. I can trust Him because I know He's there. And that He loves me, and that He only has good plans and desires for me. That He is the giver of GOOD gifts.

This is not all cupcakes and roses. It's hard and it's not usually fun. For sure there is a peace in it, but it's not always pleasant. Again, it comes back to submission and perspective. All those days when I was questioning why He couldn't just make her sleep already, when I would start grumbling and complaining (at Him!) you know what He told me? Philippians 2:12-15.

"...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."

It felt just like when I cut off my children when they're arguing. He wouldn't even let me talk :) Here I am, lying in bed, having been woken out of deep sleep by a growing wail coming from the closet. "God, no. Please. Just make her go back to sleep. I'm so tired. Why can't you just make her sleep well. I need you to....." And just like that, those verses would pop into my head. Repeatedly. Ugh :)

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." ~Galatians 2:20

Crucifixion. Not pleasant. But necessary if we are to follow Christ. I want Him. He died for me. The least I can do for Him is to allow Him to work in me by using a fussy baby or a hormonal daughter. The least. I owe Him my life. And I love Him. Because He loved me.

That about sums it up.

life x7~

2010-01-12T10:46:00.007-06:00

Well, I'm still here. Minus a few brain cells, plus a few gray hairs. I'm not sure exactly what happened, other than life, but blogging kind of fell by the wayside. Buried under a pile of train tracks, diapers, and jr high girl emotions. Gee whiz.
I don't really know what to say. I miss blogging, but I kind of needed to step back and just reflect on life. I definitely needed to be silent for awhile. I'm not even sure I'm really going to begin blogging again with any regularity right now, I still feel like I'm in a silent season, but I wanted to at least catch up a little. Especially since seeing as how I really started blogging just to have a journal of sorts. I've got a lot on my mind today, and some free time, so I'm feeling the desire to just get some of my thoughts in order.
I think having my posts show up on facebook kind of shocked me into silence. There's something about realizing that suddenly a lot of people you actually know are reading what you think about things. That, and having a baby that has been teaching me that I really can't control everyone and everything and the best methods aren't always foolproof. Apparently I hadn't learned that yet.
I survived my sister being gone on a YWAM DTS for five months. I guess for some people they frequently go that long without seeing or talking to their sisters, but my sisters are really my closest friends. I missed her a lot. Thank you, God, for facebook chat. It made it much easier. But I am so glad she's home.
A little update on the kids and life and what they're like right now~

I think sixth grade is the new seventh (or the old seventh?) Or maybe I just don't remember (I am almost thirty, you know :) But school is different, again, this year. I guess every year will always be different. But now I have a jr-higher, whatever that means. I am so thankful we homeschool. I just don't think I could handle having Anna in school and all the outside influence that would bring. There is enough of it already. She is an incredible, awesome, (as-of one month ago real) woman ;) but it's hard on a girl being different. She wants to be normal, to fit in, to be like her friends; and some of that is fine. It's been a season of praying hard, listening to and seeking God's perspective on things, and learning how to shepherd her while granting increasing freedom, choices, and privilege; but also protecting her. What a fine line. I don't know how people navigate this without the Holy Spirit. She is highly sensitive and emotional, but I'm also enjoying her more and more. She is so good with the little kids, at seeing what needs to be done and helping out just because she wants to bless me. She is so responsible and so good at managing her time. She pretty much schools herself now (except History and Bible which we do together) with the occasional question or concept she needs help with. I couldn't have asked for a more incredible daughter. It's hard and intense, but also very cool watching Anna grow into who God is making her to be.

Caleb is 9. Such a quiet, sensitive, thoughtful guy. A real pleasure and blessing to Glen and me. He's grown and matured so much this year. He and Glen are taking a gun safety course this week as we allowed him to buy a shotgun earlier this year. He's a hard worker, and still is showing a strong bent toward building and engineering things. He also has a great love of the outdoors and all things hunting related.

Ethan just turned 8. My New Year's Eve baby :) He's so different than Caleb that everything with him still feels like a first. His brain is pretty much all Star Wars, all the time. He always has some battle playing in his head. He's super sweet, and so smart. Still very affectionate. He calls me "Mom Mom" and Glen "Dad Dad." I'm not sure when or why he started doing this, he was quite young, but he still does it. I kind of thought he would outgrow it, but not yet. And now Moriah has started doing it too. Mostly when they're asking a question or trying to get our attention. If I could just get him to stop pretending the broom is a lightsaber we'd be good ;)

Moriah. Talk about 6 going on 30. She's such a little mother. She loves to play outside, loves to play all kinds of creative, imaginative games with Noah and Haven. She can invent games and ideas that entertain them for hours. They play house, store, restaurant, pet shop, puppies, and all kind of other stuff. She loves dogs, which is kind of ironic because when she was a toddler she would scream hysterically at the sight of any dog, but now she loves them. She has a very late birthday, so she's really kind of a Kdg/1st grade mix, but her school is coming along really well. She's reading better and better, and seems to have a math mind. When you tease her she kind of points her chin down and looks up at you with her eyes and says, "Mo-om!" or "Da-ad." And Glen teases me endlessly because it is the exact same look that I give him when he teases me. It really is funny to see her do it because I can tell it's the exact same face that I make.

Noah. Oh........Noah. My Mr. Charming. AKA Mr. Know It All. I guess that's to be expected with you're number 5 and feel the need to make your place in a large family. His personality doesn't lend itself well to being treated like a baby or being talked down to, so he's very dynamic; and yes, seems to currently think he knows everything. He was so proud to receive his "official job list" soon after he turned four. Notice I say was. The novelty has kind of worn off. But he is a pro at cleaning up the living room, bringing down the laundry, making his bed, straightening the shoe closet, and feeding the dog. When he's in the mood. Ahem.

(Have I mentioned we got a dog. It was back in like, May, or something. Moriah had been begging for a dog. We are not dog people. We have an outdoor cat that we joke is the perfect cat and that God just sent her to us. She appeared a few years ago, catches all kind of unwelcome creatures around the house, and lets the kids play with her and pull her tail and all kinds of things like that. Her name is Gracie. So we always said we'd get a dog if God sent us the perfect dog like He'd sent us the perfect cat. So I was in the nursery at church one night and was telling my friend this exact story. Right after church, a friend of ours came up and said she had a little dog that needed a home and was wondering if we would like him. Hmmm....interesting. I got the details. Sounded good. Been an outside dog for awhile, sweet, good with kids, not aggressive, didn't chase my friend's chickens. Used to being in the country. Okay. Picked up the dog. Perfect dog. His name is Biscuit. He tolerates Moriah dressing him and putting a leash on him and

dragging him around
playing with him. So anyway.)

Haven. He's two. That's about sums it up. I think I need to go re-read my Taming of the Two Post. He is all sweetness and smiles and snuggles and stutters wrapped up into a whirlwind tornado two year old boy. So sweet. And so busy. I'm often left wondering how in the world I ever managed with just toddlers. It seems that it takes all of our eyes to keep an eye on Noah and Haven. They have these blue and brown striped footed pajamas that have a monkey on them.that they like to wear together. I was joking the other night before Glen and the two older boys left for cub scouts that.Thing One and Thing Two were putting on their uniforms to terrorize me while he was gone. I was only partly joking. :)

(the picture of innocence)

And Grace. Sweet Grace. Oh how she has stretched and humbled me :) That will be probably an entire post in itself. In two days she will be nine months old. Nine months. Where has the time gone? She is, for the most part, a smiley, happy sweetie. She loves her bouncer and can play there for awhile as long as she has company nearby. (Which, of course really means she is number seven and used to being with people all the time and doesn't like so much not being entertained. Ha ha.) She has started really eating baby food and some normal food within the last month, and just this week has learned to sit up on her own a little. I know, it seems late to a lot of people, but our babies have always been like that. So far they're all good and all smart, so I'm not worried. All our kids have been around 8 months to sit up, 10ish to crawl, and close to 16 to walk. Lucky me :) Seriously. All you moms with lots of kids know exactly what I'm talking about. Now if we could just come to an agreement on the whole sleeping thing...

(those are really her eyes, aren't they gorgeous?)

Life in general is different. This season has been one of intense change and transition. Internally and externally. I don't really like change, so it's taken me awhile to adjust and settle in to new things. And it's good, for the most part. Some of it I still don't prefer, but some of it is good. It just takes me awhile. That also probably has a good bit to do with me just being quiet lately. It almost feels like a new life. I've always said things are really easier in many ways with a lot of kids, and that is partly true, but learning to juggle older kids and younger kids is definitely a new challenge. Glen and I are definite homebodies. We prefer to just be home and hanging around. We intentionally chose to not overcomplicate our life with outside activities, too many commitments, etc. Suddenly we have these kids who are older and want to do things like play with their friends! *sigh* So we went from our life of school one day a week, and church on Saturday nights to early Sunday service, Wedenesday night church, gymnastics, and cub scouts. And we're in the process of praying about if Anna should do a two day per week homeschool tutorial next year. Not to mention that the time of possibly having another baby is rapidly approaching. We're still very good to guard our family time, I really do believe that is super important, so the other five nights a week we stay home together, but it still feels so much busier than it used to.

Life. x7. Whew.

don't blink...~

2009-09-27T22:06:00.002-05:00

...or you will open your eyes to find your sweet, sleepy newborn baby girl is a wide-eyed, smiley, wiggly bundle of smiles.

...you will realize you missed an entire season while you were snuggling.

...you'll find that your two year old found all the preschool puzzles and has learned that it's so much fun to throw the pieces down the stairs. Repeatedly.

...that that same two year now speaks in complete sentences and has an utterly delightful stutter. And says things every day that melt your heart like, "Me loving you, Mommy. Me loving you." And you secretly smile that he is your blondie and his head is still charmingly on the um...larger side.

...your second baby princess is now six and is no longer a little girl. And that she would most definitely take issue with being called a baby princess seeing as how she is quite often found leading a pack of boys to the secret hide out in the woods and can out run just about all of them.

...your first baby princess is now a young lady, truly on the verge of womanhood. And you will be delighted to realize you really are becoming very good friends, and not enemies.

...your oldest son grew in not only stature but has attained a level of maturity that you and your husband are astounded by.

...that your almost eight year old son still likes to hold your hand in public and realizing that brings untold joy.

...your four year old son has grown amazingly tall and is, in fact, your first left-handed child and the people at the art center really are amazed at his artistic ability, and not just being nice. And you will smile because he is still your Mr. Charming.

...you are now 29 and a half and you have almost arrived at the "magical" age you always felt was truly a grown up. And that there are now quite a few mothers out there that are younger than you are. And that is an odd feeling.

...you will open your eyes and be delighted to find that boy you married (when you were just six years older than your oldest daughter) is truly your favorite person on earth to be with. Still. By far. And you still think he's pretty cute.

...but when you do blink, you will open your eyes to look around and you will know that God is good. And you are blessed. And the boundary lines have fallen for you in oh, such pleasant places.

...and if you are smart, you will close your eyes, and take it in, and write it down. And you will remember and be reminded, yet again, that He, the Giver of Good Gifts is faithful. And you will be thankful.

~O Giver of Abundant Life...may I never forget...

...

pretending to be farmers~

2009-08-18T08:06:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, when I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, I used to say I wanted to marry a farmer. I think this came from loving to be at my grandparents' house who even still to this day live and work their farm. They were so happy, life was so peaceful and it seemed like that was just the way people were supposed to live. There's still a part of me that believes if we could just return to simpler times a lot of the world's problems could be solved. But I digress...

Anyway, as I grew older I realized that I did not, in fact, want to be a farmer's wife. I wanted to be a contractor's wife :o) (well, I wanted to be Glen's wife, and he's a contractor, so, you know.) Running an entire farm entails work I can't even really imagine. It makes me tired just thinking about it.

So when Glen and I moved to the country, we had no aspirations of farming or growing anything (other than babies, heh heh.) As time has passed, we've wanted to learn some gardening, we have some fruit trees, and this year we got some chickens right before Grace was born. And remember when I said Glen was oddly attached to them? Well, the feeling is mutual, because they follow him around everwhere. It is hilarious. He's like a mother hen. They are completely free range (which means we are now tick free - hooray!) except we do put them up at night. But as soon as they're out, if Glen's out, they're following him around.

So even though our first year gardening attempt was a dismal failure, unless you count the chickens eating the tomatos successful, which I guess you could, sort of, at least the chickens are doing well. Thankfully, we haven't even lost one. And to prove it, last night Moriah discovered the first eggs.

They're tiny, but I'm told they'll get bigger in about a week or so. Depending on how many we get, we're hoping to be able to sell some. Now we're thinking about round two and possibly adding a rooster to the mix so we can actually get our own chicks instead of having to buy them.

So gardening, not so much, though we called this a practice year anyway, but chickens...they've been so much easier than I ever expected.

And chickens are about all that's going on in my world this week, unless you want to talk about the throwing up four year old, but I'd rather talk about the chickens.

the three month funk(dealing with postpartum depression and thoughts on living a surrendered life)~

2009-08-11T07:48:00.008-05:00

It hits me every time. Like a train. Even though I know it's coming. I hesitate to even write about it this time as this past year one of my closest friends walked through the worst postpartum depression I've ever witnessed. I've only read about cases that were that severe. And in no way am I passing judgment, I mention it because I never realized how utterly horrific it can be for some women.

But I do want to mention it for several reasons. So I can look back next time and maybe remember and get some perspective when I'm in the middle of it again, so I can remember and encourage my girls if they go through it one day, so other women can know they are not alone and hopefully be encouraged.

I couldn't decide if I wanted to approach it from a laid-back, "that's just life, no big deal now that I am (hopefully) coming out of it" perspective or from a little more serious perspective, but as I'm writing, I'm feeling the need to be a little more sober about it. Because it's really hard if you are someone that goes through it. And again, I cringe to even really make comparisons after my friend struggled horribly for months. Compared to what she went through, my experience is a walk in the park, but after asking numerous friends over the years, I've found that while it's nothing compared to severe ppd, it is quite a bit worse than any of my friends seem to experience, so I want to provide another place women can maybe find some help and encouragement.

I would like to say it's gotten some better with each baby, knowing now to watch for it. Having the perspective that it will pass does help some, but when you're in the middle of feeling depressed, even that knowledge is truthfully, not that comforting. So even though since the second baby I've known to watch for it, and been able to know it's coming and been able to identify it and even forewarn Glen, once it hits, it's really hard for me until it passes.

Women are always warned to watch for signs of ppd (postpartum depression) after a birth. Being overly emotional and weepy at first is normal. I've never actually had much of that. Maybe a little, but generally the first two months after giving birth are a really sweet, and usually easy time for me. But when my babies hit between three and four months my hormones shift, and with it often comes our babies' difficult stage. I don't know why it is, but generally the three month age is the hardest I have with my babies. I don't know if they sense something going on with me, if my milk changes due to such drastic hormone changes, or really what it is, but most of our babies have napping and tummy troubles during that month which only compounds my sense of being overwhelmed and stressed. (And just to have a record of it somewhere, this time around I have learned that my being overly stressed, preoccupied, and busy due to external circumstances (van shopping and several out of town trips) makes my babies highly agitated and unable to be easily comforted and settled. Meaning screaming most evenings and any time she was tired, virtually unable to be comforted. As soon as this was past and we were able to be home and just living "normal" life she immediately calmed down. And I also discovered, after much trial and error, that orange juice was giving her horrible, horrible tummy pains. Once I cut out the orange juice she has had virtually no tummy problems at all.)

So I did some research this time. Even though no one close to me has ever said they have a similar experience, I have heard from a few different places online that this happens to other women around the same time. What I learned has been so valuable this time around. I learned that when a woman is pregnant her progesterone production goes into maximum overdrive, producing up to 400mg of progesterone a day toward the end of pregnancy. Then, she gives birth, and since her ovaries are still dormant there is minimal to zero progesterone being produced. For awhile there are enough stores in her body to swing along for awhile, three to four months usually, and then, especially if she is nursing and her ovaries are still dormant, there is suddenly a huge progesterone deficiency and for some women this triggers depression. It's also what triggers postpartum hair loss. From my reading it sounds like quite a bit of even regular depression in women can be at least somewhat attributed to estrogen dominance and too little progesterone.

So what does that mean? I identified a very possible sounding cause and wanted to try and help myself this time. So I did some more research and found that a proper estrogen/progesterone balance can help women with a whole host of reproductive/women related issues; it can help women that have trouble sustaining a pregnancy due to an insufficient amount of progesterone, it can help with pms, it can help with postpartum depression, it can help with regular depression, and it can help peri- and post-menopausal women. Obviously I am not a doctor, but I would encourage any women that feels they may benefit from this knowledge to first research it for herself and then talk with your doctor.

So I went to Whole Foods and got some natural progesterone cream. (Make sure you get some that is not soy based as that can just compound any estrogen dominance. Do some research as well on what is good to get.) I got a pre-measured pump kind just so that I'd make sure to use the correct amount. It has been the difference in night and day. I had felt myself getting bad, and let it get really bad for a couple of weeks, so I know it's not just that my experience was different this time. It made a literal difference overnight. I at first hesitated to attribute it to the cream as I started it on a Thursday and Fridays just tend to be better since I know the weekend is coming. But almost three weeks have now passed and I can say it has been and continues to be a life saver. Although it does help within a day, it does seem that building up my levels was gradual. Every day was better, but this week I finally feel really normal. Possibly even extra better :o) I use it twice a day. Normally you would use it three weeks on, one week off, but since I am nursing and not needing to ovulate, I need to find out if I should also take a break for a week or not.

I anticipated it being rough this time. Ever since Caleb was born I've had someone, either my mother in law or my sister, that has kept my kids for me one day a week. For the past two years it's often been both. My mother in law would keep the little kids one day giving me a day with the big kids for cleaning, school, etc. and my sister has kept some or all and taken them out to do something fun. (Now you all know my secret :o) I freely admit it makes a huge difference knowing I have that break coming every week. For almost a year now, it's been sporadic with my mother in law as she's had her parents and then her mother in law living with them and having to provide pretty much round-the-clock care, but my sister was very consistent. Until she went to Romania to do a DTS. For six months. Right when Grace turned three months old. So right when I anticipated the depression hitting, I went from having a weekly break for eight years to having one of my closest friends leave for six months and having no regular all-day break from the kids whatsoever. (Well, other than Glen, who is a huge help. But you know what I mean.) Even their one day a week home school group was out for the summer. I had briefly entertained the idea of (gasp!) a mother's day out program in the fall, but I know for me, for our family, that is not what God wants me to do, so I'm not. I know it's all part of the process of Him continuing to work in me more of Himself and work out of me more of my self-centeredness. You know, that whole refining part of following Jesus that we like to conveniently try and get out of. So for me this is not an option.

But you know, God has been gracious, and even making this transition in the middle of dealing with ppd has been relatively easy. The depression has not been easy, but just being home daily with all the kids without a weekly "break" has been good. In all honesty, it's something I've known I need to do for a very long time. I know I've talked some on here about my process of learning to like to be at home. For me, especially in my early years of having children, always being on the go, always being busy, always having somewhere I could send my kids instead of having to deal with them, allowed me to not have to face a good bit of selfishness, laziness, and just plain junk in me that needed to be dealt with. And even though facing my stuff and my self-centeredness is not fun, nor is it easy, it is what we are called as Christ-followers to do. And I want to live a surrendered life, I want to become more like Him, so I'm pressing in. And I'm finding even in the difficulty, it is such a sweet place to be.

noah and the beautiful princess~

2009-07-28T19:57:00.004-05:00

I wish I were a better blogger, I really do. But such is life.

Here are a few recent photos of our sweet Grace, who, in true Noah fashion (we don't call him Mr. Charming for nothing), he has named, "Beautiful Princess."

Seriously. He really does call her that. He can be overheard daily running up to her, tickling her feet, saying, "Hello, Beautiful Princess." Every girl needs a brother like Noah.

And he's obsessed with her feet. Still. From the day she was born when he repeatedly asked me in a small whisper, "Mommy, can you uncover her feet and let me see them just one more time? Pleeeeease???" Until now when he runs up to her numerous times a day and tickles them and can't keep his hands off of them if I'm holding her and he's standing nearby. But then again, who can blame him? Baby feet are so yummy. :o)

my life in cars(otherwise known as "i deal with pride")~

2009-07-24T16:32:00.007-05:00

You know where this is going, right? Ten points to anyone who can make an accurate prediction before reading the post. Leave me a comment if you do, I'll trust you :o) No fair to anyone who is a facebook friend. And if you're reading this on facebook, you may have to go over to the blog to see the photos. Not sure.

As long as I can remember I've had this weird obsession with cars. They've always been a big deal for whatever reason. As early as preschool I remember my Dad driving us around in his huge brown jeep with roll bars. Sometimes he'd let us ride in the back and I distinctly remember him taking me to preschool and driving up on the sidewalk saying "Look! No hands!" Because my Dad was always fun like that :o)

I remember being horribly embarassed when my parents would pick us up in this ridiculously long white car from The Private School we went to. It might have been a perfectly normal car for all I know, I just remember being embarassed.

I remember my friend Heather's family had a super cool minivan, complete with the wood paneling down the side. You know, back when minivans were fairly new. It was the old boxy style and I actually got to Ride. In. It. when I went to Gulf Shores with their family.

Around this same time, my Dad bought what I thought was a pretty cool blue Station Wagon. Even if he did get it from his work and it had previously been used to haul raw fish around. Don't ask me how we could tell that's what it had been used for. But pretty much anyone who had the privilege to ride around with us could figure it out. I remember traveling all the way to the Florida keys in it with my middle sister and cousin. We had a whole cabbage patch land set up, and I read the entire book of Esther all the way through in the back corner. I was five, and I was surely impressed with myself.

When I was in Junior High, at the same Private School, I was ecstatic when my parents bought a white Chevy Lumina, you know, the ones that looked like a spaceship. It didn't matter at all that the girl I absolutely couldn't stand also had one. That only meant that I was on par with the Private School Kids.

It was a great van. Until I totalled it in the Very Big Accident. After that my parents bought a gigantic customized Astro that I literally had to sit on phonebooks to drive.

My very first car that I purchased was a 78(?) Ford Fairmont I bought from a friend for $300. I was ecstatic. The school I went to my junior year was very alternative, very grunge. I was coming out of my rebellious phase having picked up quite a few telltale signs of having gone through it such as kool-aid dyed red hair and confiscating all my formerly hippy parents' old clothing. I was pretty cool, or so I thought, and this car was the icing on the cake. Nevermind that I let the engine burn up after only driving it a handful of times. But I thought I was cool.

After my Fairmont mishap, my loving Dad had it towed to a nearby dealership and somehow managed to convince them it was worth something (or maybe he actually paid them to take it, who knows) and bought me a slightly used Corsica. It was lovely and dependable. It was also now my job to cart my sisters around town and myself to work, school, and everywhere else. And believe me, I went everywhere else. The Corsica is what I drove the entire time Glen and I were dating. Good times. Upon my engagement at the ripe old age of 16 and a half, he offered to give it to us as a wedding gift if we would consider getting involved with Amway.

Hence my next car, a 94ish gold Honda Accord. Be not deceived by the photo. I was so eager to find a car that Glen and I could call our very own, that I overlooked one minor flaw when buying it from the barely-speaking- English guy who "had at least six other interested buyers." We test drove it at night during the cooler days of Spring and upon Glen inquiring of me if the air worked, I assured him it most definitely did. *sigh*
Isn't it fun remembering those early days of marriage when all you really needed was love? Oh, and I should have mentioned that it was a stick which was truly an experience learning to drive. And great fun to drive on our honeymoon, during a really hot weekend in June, and all through the sweltering summer. In traffic. To work. Forty-five minutes away.

Fast forward eight months. In a move to pacify his newly pregnant (read: hormonal) seventeen year old wife, Glen graciously agrees to buy me a fabulous Infiniti G20 that a friend of my Dad's was selling. This was after I ~~nagged~~ begged him relentlessly, finally in tears because the girl I worked with drove a Lexus. I mean seriously, I couldn't really be expected to drive around a baby in the sweltering summer in the "sure the air works" Honda. Feel free to roll your eyes now.

I'm not sure what possessed me to think I didn't want the Infiniti anymore. It was a fabulous car. All I can claim is SUV fever. Anna was a baby, maybe I thought it was safer, but probably I just thought it was cool. The only thing in our price range was a 94 Ford Explorer that was teal with pretty significant hail damage. But hey, it had the Eddie Bauer package.. I did love that car, though. Hail damage and all. Even after I was rear ended and instead of having it repaired used the money to pay for Ethan's birth. I had always wanted an SUV. But trading the Infiniti? What was I thinking???? And thankfully, my Dad didn't disown us for buying a Ford.

For some reason, after Caleb was born. We decided we needed to have a minivan. So we bought a green Chevy Venture that we kept for all of three months before we decided our paid for Explorer was a perfectly good vehicle. We paid a stupid tax of $1000, a 'la Dave Ramsey, to sell it, though.

We kept the Explorer for a long time. Selling it during The Great Sickness that found our entire family on the living room floor puking our guts out and watching The Iron Giant and The Fox and the Hound over and over and over and over. But we'd been trying to sell it for awhile, and seeing as how there wasn't a huge market for teal cars with hail damge, even though it was an SUV, we dragged ourselves out of the house and sold it to someone in an Exxon parking lot. We had grown into a Three Children In Car Seats family, so the switch to a minivan was justified this time around. We found a good deal on a Town & Country. Soon after getting it, I was rear ended yet again, and seeing as how this time we used the repair money to pay for Moriah's birth, I drove around with a dented in rear bumper for awhile. Funny how in my quest to drive something that I deemed "cool" at the time, I was willing to put up with less than perfection. So at least I'm not a total snob.

Soon after we moved to The Country, the Town & Country began having some serious problems. I don't even remember what we did with it, but we bought a Ford Expedition. Because I had always wanted an Expedition. It was super cool, but we soon discovered that getting Four Kids In Car Seats and having storage room for All Their Stuff, didn't go so well with the very backseat being needed for carseats, but leaving zero storage space. So we traded it. For a Honda Odyssey.

(read this next section with your voice dripping with sarcasm) A Honda Odyssey was next on the list of cars I thought were cool (not yet being able to justify a Suburban which had always been my ultimate dream car.) But once again, budget constraints prevented me from getting one that was as nice as I really wanted, so I had to settle for cloth seats and (gasp!) black handles that told the world I, in fact, did not have The Really Nice Odyssey.

We kept the Odyssey, which I grew to love, black handles and all, until close to Noah's birth. Five Kids In Car Seats made a minivan a pretty tight squeeze, so we found a good deal on finally, a Suburban. With leather. And heated seats. And a TV. *sigh* This was the stage of life in which I remember having several conversations with friends about if we would, in fact, have enough children to outgrow it. A seventh child was The Line. What would we do? Obviously, the car I drove shouldn't (and wasn't) the deciding factor for if we had more children. But oh, how I loved my Suburban.

I tried to keep it. I really did. I could fit All The Kids in it as long as Glen wasn't with us, and when we needed to go somewhere together we could use his 15 passenger work van. But like I said. It's his work van, he really needs the space for work. And is has over two hundred thousand miles which is fine for around town, but not so much for long trips. Like camping when pregnant as soon as I'm off bedrest, camping while pregnant and due in a month, camping with a five week old, camping with a two month old, camping with a three month old. You get the picture.

So yes. I crossed The Line. Why not a simple 12 passenger you ask? Well, because when you take out the very back seat to allow for storage space, the seating is the same as the Suburban. Hence, I am now a 15 Passenger Van Mom. Doesn't quite have the same ring as minivan mom or Suburban mom or soccer mom, does it? Ahem.

Happy Saturday :o)

i'm no super mom~

2009-07-22T08:03:00.005-05:00

I think the most heard comment I get from people when they find out I am a mom of seven, is the classic, "How do you it?" Or some variation thereof. My answer is always, always "By the grace of God." Which sounds like a really pat answer, and I usually try and elaborate a little, but I know myself too well to take any shred of glory for myself. I cling to Him. There is nothing in me, it is all Him.

Here is the best concise answer I've ever heard. And let me just say, the beginning was like a time warp :o)

(Thanks to Amy's Humble Musings for the link.)

Happy Wednesday :o)

email me link~

2009-06-26T23:12:00.003-05:00

I know a lot of people read these posts in a feed reader, so I just wanted to let you know I added an ~email me~ link to the blog.

So fire away :o)

for your saturday reading pleasure~

2009-06-26T16:53:00.003-05:00

Here are some more links that I think are definitely worth reading...

Holy Habits

A weighty post that once again reminds us that what we do is important. Immensely. And there's a lot more to it than math facts, cooking, and tying shoes; yet life and relationship are tied up in those every day things.
An excerpt... "They say a mother wears an apron and a myriad of hats. I say she wears a collar too. A collar which can never be removed. A collar which cannot be observed by the material world: a clerical collar. For she is a priest in her home, before a congregation of children. ...While a mother continually changes her hats throughout the hours of the day, her collar remains: she is a priest proclaiming Christ’s glories. She cares for souls."

Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling: Exposing the 7 Major Blind Spots of Homeschoolers

Unfortunately, I have been guilty of some of these far too often. An excellent read, I'm printing this one out. Vital for parents who want to keep their children's hearts.

Shelter Is Not A Place. It's a Relationship.

On sheltering our kids in the real world.
Another excerpt... "Shelter is not a place. It's a relationship. Although we need to be wise about keeping our kids safe (let's not be simplistic here), sheltering our kids from every potential evil is impossible. The world is corrupt. Hey, the youth group is corrupt!

I would love to withdraw my family from society and keep them from having to face the messiness of navigating relationships in a fallen world. But that’s just not feasible. Maybe not even desirable. Besides, we have enough sin nature between all seven of us, they’d still get to see plenty of corruption!

Instead, we want to make sure our home is the safe place, the most comforting sanctuary on earth, where our kids are guaranteed acceptance, affection and genuine love. Our relationship with our kids should be a reflection of God's relationship with us - overflowing with grace and forgiveness.

And while we’re doing that, we're introducing them to Jesus, and we’re walking along side them, showing them how to “do life” with Christ at the helm.

We don’t have to know all the answers, and heaven forbid we should try to appear perfect. I fail daily, and have to ask my kids’ forgiveness all the time. But we feel strongly that the more spiritually arrogant we are, and the more we try to hide our flaws, the more likely our kids will become disillusioned with God later on.

I thought all of these were excellent reads and will be keeping them close by. Let me know what you think.

Happy Saturday!

(and Stacey, let me know when you have your baby!!)

pica, anyone?~

2009-06-18T23:03:00.002-05:00

Sonic ice. My new obsession. After every baby I have some sort of food related craving. Craving is really too nice of a word. It's more like a give it to me now and no one gets hurt sort of problem. We won't talk about how with Caleb it was orange sherbet by the gallon, with Noah is was Texas Toast Cheeseburgers with an M&M Blast, or with Grace this time it was margherita pizza and sonic ice. An entire pizza every single morning.

I prefer to remember the other babies, with whom I preferred things like sandwiches and salads.

Not so this time. Now, mind you, a margherita pizza is largely tomatos and basil, an entire one contains only 700 calories which is an okay allotment for a newly nursing mama for one meal. But still. It kinda hints at gluttony. So I had to stop. And I did. But the Sonic ice is another story. I go through a bag of it every two days. Sometimes an entire bag a day. Usually with water.

When I am nursing, especially the first few months, I am ravenous, feeling the need to eat literally constantly. Eating ice is my way of tricking my mind into thinking I'm eating. And it's calorie free! But I do crave it, and that can be a sign of pica. And while I've never actually eaten powdered laundry detergent, sand, cornstarch, or baking soda, I think about chewing it. Always have. And until a couple of years ago I was a horrible nail biter. All signs of pica. I was anemic my entire pregnancy with Grace, and no amount of supplements or eating of iron rich foods changed it.

So. Should I be concerned?

worth your time(otherwise known as i really need to clear out my tabs)~

2009-06-18T21:41:00.004-05:00

I do this all the time. Click, "Whoa, that looks like it might take some time, I'll come back," or "I really should share that." Over and over until I have more tabs open than can fit across the top.

So, without further ado, here are some various things I've enjoyed, thought about, and think just might be worth your time.

The Temptation of Laziness

Something I struggle with daily. I've got a post on this in the works.

How I Found God's Will In A Sink Full of Dirty Dishes

On finding purpose and sanctification in mothering.

Sticks In Jars

A job/chore method that I am seriously considering trying out. For small or large families.

Tips for Surviving (and thriving!) in the Toddler Phase

From a mom of four in five years. Excellent, excellent post. So well said. I wish I'd written it myself. And not just practical tips, more toward emotional and spiritual thriving!

From Joyful Chaos

A mom of ten talks about life with her first baby and learning to mother in the way that works for her family. The more children I have, the more I value doing what works for us and ignoring what everyone else "says" we should be doing. Life is so much easier now than it was in the years with just one or two. This is not a "you should practice attachment parenting" post or recommendation from me, we are actually a good mix of attachment and scheduling. It just really struck a chord with me as Grace is such a peaceful and content baby, and I really feel that aside from the grace of God (which it is!), it is also because I've learned some things about giving her what she needs. This is the first in a series of posts. I've not actually read the rest of them yet.

Why Would You Want All Those Kids?

From a mother of fourteen on the eve of giving birth yet again. I loved this. Whether you have one child or fifteen, this will bless and encourage you. While short, and she's talking at first just about real life, toward the end she reflects on her relationships with her children and she puts it, getting ready to begin another love affair with a new baby. It gets sweeter each time. That I have learned.

I had some more, but as usual, lost them to little hands :o)

Happy Saturday!

buddies~

2009-06-17T23:44:00.000-05:00

snuggle buddies

camping buddies

no, that's not a tv in our pop-up buddies

how many kids can you fit around a camper table buddies

cool buddies

rock climbing buddies

reading buddies

sleeping in the car buddies

3-D buddies

even though we're cousins don't we look alike buddies

happy buddies

pretending to be puppy dog buddies

smiling buddies

my sister thinks it's fun to dress me up buddies

singing and sleeping buddies

vegging buddies

the super-buddy

diaper changing buddies

sweet sleeping buddies

overheard in the garden~

2009-06-16T22:27:00.005-05:00

Three year olds make great garden helpers. Especially if they're slight ocd boys :o) Not only does he do a great job counting and picking potato bugs and pulling weeds, but he's also happy to help out Grace when she loses her paci.

So, one evening when we were out working in our ~~so pathetic it shouldn't be called a garden~~ garden, Grace started to fuss in her bouncy seat. I asked Noah if he could go give her the paci, which he promptly did while making cute faces at her. A few moments after he went back to picking bugs, she began to fuss again.

So, overheard in the garden this week as Noah called out to baby Grace over and over...

"Don't fuss now, baby. I got to wook in da gahden. I got to wook in da gahden, baby."

I love three year olds, especially this one. :o)

wedded bliss, little people style~

2009-06-14T20:47:00.004-05:00

You know you're parents to little people, and you've been married for awhile when for your 12th anniversary you take your kids out for ice cream to celebrate.

You know, I'm just saying... :o)

late night reflections on grace(on being thankful)~

2009-06-10T22:02:00.006-05:00

I sit here typing with aching shoulder and two hands recently freed from holding a tired baby. My foot is bouncing up and down in an effort to lull my tiny one into dreamland. As I was holding her, wishing she would settle down so I could get back to what I was wanting to do, I looked down at her soft head snuggled in the crook of my arm, knowing all too well how soon it will pass (I've walked this road before), and once again, my heart melted. How blessed am I.

My days are filled with busy children, tired babies, dishes to wash, meals to prepare, laundry to fold, toys to pick up, schoolwork to grade, messes to wipe up, bodies to scrub, arguments to settle, and life lessons to teach. Yet through the busyness and never ending list of things to do and do again, the Father has shown me how profoundly blessed am I.

It's not easy, and it's not always fun. But what I'm doing here matters. It matters very much to seven little people whose lives would be very different if I followed the path the world often deems the more valuable one. That knowledge that He, the One who created each of those little people, would show me His way and turn my heart toward theirs, allowing me the privilege to point them to the Lover of Their Souls...how blessed am I.

I could have missed it. One different decision, be it made in selfishness or ignorance, and the course of our lives would have been different. But when we, Glen and I, started on this journey together, we vocally, together, committed our way to Him, asking and trusting Him to direct our path. We had no idea that we would be entrusted with seven souls to guide and point to the Father. To shepherd and disciple. The gravity of that is more than I can wrap my mind around, much less work out in my own strength; so I daily go to Him, trusting that He who began this good work will carry it on to completion. That His grace is sufficient and in my weakness, He can shine. His power can be made perfect. I can rest in knowing it's all Him. How blessed am I.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you,
so that in all things at all times,
having all that you need,
you will abound in every good work. As it is written:
"He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever."

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food
will also supply and increase your store of seed
and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness."

2 Corinthians 9:8-10
(my current life verse)

I've been learning about strength. The Father's verses mine. I am finding peace and joy in the realization that when I let it be all about Him that He can be glorified in my mothering.. For when it's done in His strength, according to His plan for my days, I do a much better job than when it's all about me. And I've been living it these past weeks. I've had a taste. When my help went home and real life returned after Grace was born, I had a choice: get overwhelmed, discouraged, and even angry at all I needed to start doing again, or be thankful. Choosing to see not the diapers and dirty floors, but the great honor and privilege I have in being a mother. A mother that is there. And embracing all that it encompasses. Not every mother has that privilege, and not every mother realizes what a gift it truly is. And I have both; circumstances that allow me to stay home, and the truth in my heart that it's the most important thing I can do with my life. And I am finding joy. Unfortunately, I have not always loved to stay home, and I have not always loved being around my children so much. But He has brought me far, taught me much, spoken to my spirit, and worked in my heart. How blessed am I.

May you be blessed,

as I have been.

the birth of grace~

2009-06-03T10:54:00.008-05:00

Well, it's high time I finally got around to writing Grace's birth story. I do feel I really needed to process it first, as my first attempts were all over the place and the way I kept "losing" them to blogger-land finally led me to believe I just needed to wait a bit. And I did. I needed to think it through. Not to mention I've been a little busy :o)

So here it is. Finally.

The actual birth is pretty normal. Labor began, lasted about four hours total with about twenty minutes or so of pushing. She was posterior, she turned right before I began to push. Non-eventful, easy birth. Rather large for two weeks early (nine and a half pounds exactly,) but perfectly healthy. No tearing, easy recovery. All done.

But it didn't feel that way in my head. During the labor, it felt like my hardest one ever. But it was all mental. The actual "birth story" is as above, but in my head it was an entirely different story. So if you want the details, here they are...

Easter Morning. We're all excited to go to my grandparents' farm in Kentucky. Secretly I've been feeling like she would come this weekend, but you know how that is. It's so hard to discern between what one is "feeling" and what one is just really hoping for. So although I was feeling it would be Easter weekend, Haven's two week late birth kept me from setting myself up for disappointment. I knew I was mentally preparing for her to come early though as I finished off my to do list on Saturday.

So everyone is looking forward to Kentucky. I'm hoping the car ride will put me into labor and that things will happen that night after a nice visit to the farm.

Not so. I woke suddenly around 7am thinking I either peed in the bed (which has never happened to me, even during pregnancy) or my water broke a little. I say a little because it was one small spot, not a huge gush. I got up, confirmed that yes! my water had indeed broken. And went back to bed quietly excited with my secret, and waited for something to happen. I was mildly disappointed that it seemed I would be laboring during the day (I really, really like waking up during the night realizing labor has begun, taking a bath, and enjoying the dark, quiet house and watching the sunrise. Strange, I know. But it's actually worked out that way several times.) But the disappointment was largely overshadowed by excitement that she was coming, and almost two weeks early!

So I laid there, and nothing. About an hour later, everyone was up and I was keeping my secret. (Have I mentioned I don't like to tell anyone I'm in labor until I absolutely have to? Not even Glen. For some reason, I just really prefer keeping it to myself as long as possible.) But after awhile I realized I was going to have to tell them as they were beginning to talk about getting ready to go. I told Glen quietly first, his eyes got really big and it actually took me a minute to convince him I wasn't joking. The kids were all very excited to find out the baby was coming and didn't mind missing the trip. Except for Ethan, he was highly irritated the baby couldn't just wait. He kept saying, "Can't we just go? The baby isn't actually coming now. Can't we just go and come back when she's actually being born?" Poor guy. If we had only known.

So I turn into the cleaning dictator. Anything anyone gets out has to be immediately put back, and any mess or crumb must immediately be cleaned up. But still nothing is happening. Not one contraction. Nothing. We take a family picture, run to the video store, come home, eat lunch, and finally lay down for a nap. All this time, my water is leaking enough for me to know that it truly is that, but not enough to keep me from normal activity. So finally I realize this labor is looking to be like Caleb's. With his birth, my water began leaking early on a Sunday morning as well, but I didn't go into labor until the following night. I really am kind of happy that I may indeed get to labor during the night. And it was really kind of fun anticipating it.

When we woke up from our nap Sunday afternoon, my water really broke. As in I was creating puddles every time I stood up, so I spent the rest of the evening sitting in my chair and assuring Glen it was totally normal for labor to have not really started yet. I reminded him of Caleb's birth, but he was still growing nervous that it had been so long and nothing was happening. He kept wanting me to call Susie, but I knew what that would mean and I wanted to just let it happen on its own. I assured him things would probably happen during the night and not to be concerned. We watched a movie and eventually went to bed.

I woke up the next morning after having zero contractions during the night. I don't even think I got up to pee. I'm lying in my bed trying to not be disappointed. At this point, I know we're going to have to have a baby today, one way or another as my water has been broken for so long now. No night laboring, and more than likely we're going to have to induce labor, be it naturally at home or artificially at the hospital. So I'm trying to not be terribly disappointed. You see, I really like to plan things. Whether it be how I'm going to organize my laundry or how my labor is going to go. I have always had a very distinct plan in my mind of how I want it to go, and amazing it has been that way more often than not. And not only do I have a very specific way of how I want things to go, but I also have very specific things that I absolutely hate in labor. And it was beginning to look like not only was it not going to go the way I wanted, but I was going to have to endure the things I absolutely wanted to avoid at any cost.

So I was mad. And then Glen comes in and tells me he's called Susie and she's on her way. So now I'm really frustrated. I can't even sit there and ~~feel sorry for myself~~ think through things and talk myself out of my pity party. I was slightly irritated with Glen, but he was concerned, and knows how I always put off calling the midwife, so he just took charge. It had to be done, I know it, but I was not happy about it.

So she comes. She tells me about the whole "water broken for 24 hours" thing which I already know, so we decide that "officially" my water didn't really break until I woke up from that nap around 3, so we'll give it until noon to see if labor is progressing. If not, I'll need to go to the hospital. Oh, and by the way, hospitals around here won't even do pitocin once it's been 24 hours. Automatic c-section. No pressure or anything. Ugh.

So she gives me some homeopathic stuff, has me use the br**st pump, and threatens me with castor oil or an enema if nothing happens. She really is quite nice about it, but I'm mad. Outwardly I'm agreeing, but inwardly I'm thinking yeah right. I'd rather just go to the hospital, refuse a c-section, get an epidural and have a nice pain free birth. I mean, by now all my desires are out the window, so why not just go all the way? I seriously spent the next hour thinking about how I was going to tell my midwife I wanted to go the hospital if she told me I needed to try castor oil or an enema. And I was serious.

Well, let me tell you. All that talk about n**ple stimulation (sorry, dad) bringing on contractions? It's true. It works, and it works fast. Within five minutes of using the pump I was having intense "I changed my mind about this whole no drug thing" contractions four to five minutes apart. They gave me some iv antibiotics to be on the safe side since my water had been broken for so long. (Which was so much easier than at the hospital. She slid the little needle in, just held it there for about fifteen minutes, then slid it out. No tape and I didn't have to leave it in during labor. So nice.)

So things are progressing. And then Susie realizes that once again, my baby is posterior. Now I'm really mad. Not only did I not get to gradually go into labor during the night, but I'm not going to get to labor comfortabally. No, I get to lay in all kinds of uncomfortable baby-turning positions while having intense contractions close together. I'm okay with it as I do not want to try and push out a baby turned backwards, but I'm still mad about the whole situation. She does finally let me get into the bath for awhile, but when I get out, I have to try and get the baby to turn still. I couldn't even lay back in the bath, I had to sit up straight. And I had too much tea tree oil in the water so every time I would have a contraction I would lay my head down on the side of the tub, but I couldn't breathe because it was too strong.

And all this time I'm retreating further and further into myself. You moms know how it is. You kind of get locked in your brain. I was obsessing over how miserable I was, how mad I was, trying to figure out if and how I could tell Susie I really just wanted to go to the hospital, and telling myself over and over that next time, I really, really, really AM going to the hospital. And that I'm not going to forget how much I want to just get an epidural next time. Really, I do. Finally, I remembered that I had asked the Lord for a verse or two to remember during labor, but by this time I couldn't really get them straight in my head, so they kept meshing with another. Really, I think this was the Holy Spirit giving me encouragement though as the way they went together was really sweet, and very encouraging when I could manage to remember it.

You know, it only takes a paragraph to write in black and white what was going through my head, but it was really intense and mentally very difficult. I guess it lasted about two and half hours or so of this feeling of contraction after contraction, with these thoughts chasing one another through my brain and my going back and forth between being mad and trying to gather my thoughts and remind myself of Scripture. I was very quiet, I don't make much noise during labor and don't like to talk unless I have to, but inwardly my mind was overwhelmed.

I got out of the tub, Susie checked me and I was almost complete, with a lip. (Does that happen to every mother giving birth naturally? It seems there is always a lip. "Just wait a little longer, you're almost there, just a little lip.") Susie figured this was because she was still backwards so that her head couldn't put proper pressure to finish dilating. So I resume lying on my side in Susie's highly effective baby-turning positions. (They work, they really do.) Finally, I feel this tremendous pulling and turning sensation during about three contractions. Grace is turning into the proper position, and I can certainly feel it. You could literally watch her turning around as my stomach contorted strangely.

As soon as she finished turning, I had the urge to push. I had to push for about twenty minutes, which is longer than with any of my other children, but oddly, it didn't hurt. It felt good to be able to finally push and know the end was near. I was finally going to have my Grace. I didn't even realize her head was out until Susie told me her shoulder was stuck and to push really hard. That took a few more pushes, and then finally, that feeling of immense relief when you feel them slide completely out. She was perfect, and beautiful.

Immediately following the birth, I had the whole violent leg shaking thing which is so odd, but is calmed by warm blankets fresh from the dryer (yay for being at home!) and I was exhausted. Usually I'm actually quite perky after birth for awhile, but this time I was mentally worn out and just wanted everyone to leave. I have had people at my births before, but have learned that I really prefer to just be alone. It doesn't even really matter to me so much if Glen is there which I'm sure most people will think is really strange, especially since we have such a sweet and wonderful relationship, but I just completely withdraw into myself during labor so I don't even really notice anyone except for Susie telling me what to do. This time, Anna and Glen were there, but that was all. I always tell my Aunt (who is like my Mom) and sisters that I'm planning on having them, "but will have to see," but this time I didn't have anyone since it began under weird circumstances, was immediately intense, and I was just plain mad the whole time. Anna, having missed Haven's falling out since she ran to get everyone else, refused to budge from the room the entire time, and she was actually a huge help to not only me while I was pushing, but also to Susie. Even if she did talk her ear off :o) (Me: "Anna, if you can't stop talking, you are going to have to leave!") :o)

I was telling some friends yesterday the whole thing was so surreal. I can see myself lying there pushing, but in my mind, my bed was almost all the way against the wall, it felt like the wall was right in front of my face. In reality, I was a good seven or eight feet away from the wall probably, but in my memory my bed is moved completely over. Very weird. The whole thing is like one long, slow motion memory where I'm going back and forth between the real world and my own thoughts. Very much like something you would see in a movie. It was very strange to experience it in real life.

So that's why it has taken me so long to process it. It actually took me a long time to figure out why I was so frustrated and mad the whole time and why it felt so much harder when it really wasn't. I just couldn't make the mental - emotional connection. I guess it is just another lesson in me not being able to control everything in life and learning to be okay with that. I very much want to have another baby, I very much want to have another home birth (funny how quickly we forget,) and next time, I hope I can remember how huge a part my mental outlook plays in how easy or difficult labor feels and that I can just go with it.

So that's my story. Sorry it took so long ;o)

And for those of you (like me) that love birth stories, my other ones are here.

the funk of selfishness~

2009-05-29T09:49:00.002-05:00

I've been in a funk. It really started the day Grace was born. Now don't misunderstand, I've been blissfully happy, enjoying my sweet-smelling bundle of joy, most definitely. But a little part of me got grumpy the minute I realized she was on her way, and that nagging feeling of quiet frustration has been growing little by little until I realized I was moping around, quite sullen and withdrawn, and couldn't pinpoint why.

At first I though, postpartum hormones? Many of you know that I get hit with postpartum depression when my babies are 3-4 months old (Although not horribly severe, it is still depression and not fun. It helps that I've learned what my body does, can watch for it, and recently came across some information that I hope to try this time around should it sneak up on me again.) But it was too early for that. She's only six week old.

coming soon~

2009-05-13T06:30:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I keep promising to post Grace's birth story. I have started it twice, both times spending over half an hour on it, only to have blogger lock up on me and cause the entire thing to be lost. I'm thinking that means I'm supposed to wait for some reason.

So just know that I'm trying, and I do hope to get it written very soon.

And hi to my Dad, who I just found out read my blog! So Dad, now you need to leave me a comment. You can either get a google account (pretty easy) to comment anonymously and just sign it "Dad." So now we can actually talk. And send me your email if you have one :o)

mr. charming(everyone needs a three year old)

2009-05-12T10:31:00.015-05:00

Because yes, we do have other children besides our newest sweetie :o)

Remember this guy? Mr. Charming? Seriously. Do you see why we call him that? This is 100% Noah, all. the. time.

Okay, okay. Most of the time.

This past week he has just been full of himself. I wish had written down more of what he's been up to, but you know how that goes. These are just a couple that I remember...

**Noah: "Mom, I think you're super-delicious!"

**Noah to Glen and I while we were watching 24 and had told him it was a grown up show that he couldn't watch: "Well, can I just come lay down on the bed and look at Mommy's pretty face?"

**I had asked Noah to go check on Grace and make sure she was okay. A few minutes later, Anna came in holding Grace and told me she had found her with a pillow laid on top of her head and a blanket covering her and the pillow. Upon investigation, I was informed Noah was "just hiding her." Thus, another Parenting Tip... (feel free to check out all my previous Parenting Tips :o)

Parenting Tip # 13

Reserve the job of checking on the baby for a child over the age of three. If you feel the need to send your three year old to check on the baby, send an older child to check on the three year old who is "checking on the baby."

Parenting Tip #14 / Baby Proofing 101:

Make sure your three year old understands the importance of clear, unobstructed airways.

And last, but not least, remember her; Miss Precocious? The one who has recently been de-throned as the baby girl of the family?

Me: "So, Moriah, you think I'm skinny now?"

Moriah: "Uh, (much longer pause than needed), ask me again when your stomach is not so fat."

And this conversation was not at all reminiscent of one we had two summers ago. (Mind you, she was three when this took place.)

Me: (Trying on a maternity bathing suit and looking in the mirror.)

Moriah: "Mom, you look soooo not cool."

Thanks, Moriah, that was really helpful. :o)

of sweetie pies and snuggles~

2009-04-27T13:00:00.006-05:00

Well, I would apologize for being scarce, but truthfully...I'm not sorry, not one little bit :o)

I've been busy, you know.

Doing what, you ask?

Well....

I've been watching as a sweet little girl discovers her world. Marveling at perfection wrapped up in the form of sweet smelling baby smells, tiny newborn diapers, and lots of snuggly pink pajamas.

Watching older brothers learn the art of comforting a baby in awkward boyish arms and older sisters swoop in at the first cry of distress.

Almost wishing for tiny baby cries to give me an excuse to snuggle down in the covers for a nap.

Delighting in a tiny body scrunching up into a yawn and a stretch that seems much too big for such a little girl.

Encouraging the use of a thumb in a hopeful attempt to avoid the paci addiction that plagues our house to this day.

And changing diapers, lots of diapers. And being reminded of that curious newborn quirk of filling a clean diaper as soon as you snap that last snap.

Rubbing my nose in super soft, jet black baby hair, anxiously awaiting the day there's enough to justify the use of a cute barette.

Delighting in the miracle of satiny baby palms wrapped around my finger, holding on for dear life.

Listening to baby breaths and tiny baby sighs.

Kissing perfectly round baby cheeks and imprinting the feel of their fulness in my heart.

Storing up memories of the size and feel of a newborn sleeping flopped over my shoulder or snuggled against me with milk running down the sides of her cheek.

Laughing at all those silly faces babies make in their sleep and wondering how I could have ever forgotten about them.

The look of a milk-drunk baby, completely satisfied and oblivious to the laughs and kisses surrounding her.

Rescuing her from well meaning three year olds and almost two year olds.

Reminding myself that "this too shall pass" and not knowing if I should be comforted or grieved...a little of both, I suppose.

Wishing I could just stop time and wondering how I'll ever deal with the days when there are no more of my own babies to hold and thinking I need to be strongly encouraging my children to have lots of children and live close by.

Being overwhelmed with gratitude that she is here, and perfect, when she came so close to being lost.

Trying really, really hard to sear this time into my memory so as to recall with perfect clarity what these days are like. Telling myself I will not forget...I will not forget...

********************

The days and weeks following the birth of our babies are probably my favorite times in life. I can't find words to describe it, but it's as if there is a bubble surrounding that time, it almost feels sacred. Of course after the birth of my first, and probably my second, it was much more difficult and felt overwhelming, but since then it's always just a time of being still, in body and spirit, and I treasure each of those times and memories.

One of the greatest benefits to me of having so many babies is how normal it begins to feel :o) With each baby I am able to relax more, take all the hormone fluctuations in stride (for the most part!), and just spend time enjoying each new little person. The laundry can wait, the blogging can wait, everything can wait. I have learned that that sweet, snuggly newborn stage is so fleeting that I just want to take it all in, store it up in my heart, and revel in it. Even now, each new day, I wish I could just re-live it. I so wish I could just stop time, right here, today, right now. It's going to pass by so fast and I can hardly stand it. I could just stay here, snuggling this tiny baby body, forever. She's already almost eleven pounds! I just need time to slow down, please...just for awhile.

********************

I am always amazed at how all of our babies look so much alike, even the boys and girls. Check out this first photo of Grace, and then the following one of Haven. It's a good thing I've labeled all our baby photos, because there are so many photos that if I hadn't labeled them, I would have no idea who it was. Especially among the boys who have passed down a lot of outfits.

Her first trip out...five days old, going to church on Saturday night.

Baby Grace and her polka dot pajamas :o)

So now you all know where I've been and what I've been doing. You also probably know why I keep having babies :o)

Birth story to follow soon...promise.

baby grace~

2009-04-14T17:16:00.011-05:00

Grace Rose
Monday, 13 April 2009
1:40 pm
21 inches
9lbs 8oz

She's here! And 12 days early! And 9lbs 8oz at 12 days early!

And labor? Well....I don't want to talk about it.

Birth story and better photos to (hopefully) to follow in the next few days.

I don't have any really good photos yet. Hopefully I'll feel like finding the camera wherever the kids stuck it this morning and putting forth some energy to get some good photos. Right now, all I want to do is sleep :o)

Sunday morning after my water broke.

Mommy, Haven, and baby Grace

A very proud and excited big brother

while we've been waiting~

2009-04-10T16:49:00.007-05:00

Well, because we have been doing something other than just waiting...

Big Sister

Big Brother

Big Brothers...

Little Brothers...

Always Someone to Play With...

I will always be the baby...I will always be the baby...